(no subject)

Okay, so here's what I think is going on lately. I've always wanted to be 25. It seems like this age where you're finally old enough for people to start considering you as an adult, but young enough to still be young. It sounds cool; I apparently like numbers with 5 in them, because 15 is cool, as is 35, 45, 55, etc. It's just ... you're in the middle. You're halfway away from something, halfway towards something, and it's settled somehow. Everyone makes a big deal out of 18 and 21, but they didn't mean anything. Oh, 18, big deal. I can vote. Can't do anything else except move out legally (which I didn't) and have sex (ha), but its supposed to be important. It wasn't. Same with 21. I could drink. I didn't have any friends who could take me out to drink, nothing in my life changed, it was a big fat nothing.

25 was supposed to be different. I mean, empirically, it is. I've graduated, got my credential, will be moving out soon, will be getting a full time position. Things are going to change.

But ... for the first time ever, I really wanted to celebrate something. And I'm not big on celebrations. I was practically forced to ever single graduation, saw no point in going to the prom, get pissed when I have to go to awards ceremonies, probably won't have a wedding even if I do get married, so ... I don't get it. But I wanted one for this. I wanted to do something. But, the fact is, I had more friends at 18 then I do now, and that's not the way it's supposed to be. And even then .... The only real reason I got to have a party is what I wanted to do happened to be what my friends wanted to do (go to Disneyland, watch 4 shows of the Festival of Fools, and eat cake). I know from experience if I had wanted to do something else, like Mieval Times (one of my favorite places to go), I wouldn't have gotten it.

Which leads me to the next part: I am a truly bad, horrible, and disgusting person. I don't want a lot of friends, but I can't even keep a few friends. I've had 1 steady friend since high school and, unfortunatly, she's not the kind of person you go out and party with. We do movies, Disneyland, lunch, coffee, and it's great. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But try to step out of that comfort zone, it gets uncomfortable and I end up not having fun. But I do't know how to make friends, I don't know how to keep friends, and I know it's due to some huge flaw in myself. But I don't know what to do about it. When I went to therapy, the fucktards main advice was, "Go out and meet people." When I tried to explain I can't, he burshed it aside.

It's not like I don't try. I join clubs. I take classes. I seek avenuse where I'll meet people. But, when I do, something inevitably goes wrong. Only 2 people show up to the club meetings, and they've been friends forever and don't like anything I do. Everyone is ten years older than I am, married, and not really looking for new friends, just people to see once a week/month when they go to this certain event. I don't know how to approach people, I have no idea how to talk to people. I never have anyone to take with me to help make connections. I feel stupid and worthless and unimportant and right now it just seems like this is going to be my life. Nothing will ever change, I'll never find anyone, either as friends or lovers, and my life will be a waste.

At least I know I wont' commit suicide because there's this part of me that can't believe any of it and who knows maybe tomorrow something will change. I don't belive it will, but soemthing does.

A few things

Item One

I'm in need of beta readers for Reporter Lex. I know pepperjackcandy offered (I need you e-mail), but is there anyone else who wants to take on the task? It's now 171 pages at 12-point New Times Roman. Will my usual suspects volunteer?


Item Two

Even though I need to work on the next COTW, the opening of Reporter Lex the sequel has popped into my mind. However, a new character wants to play over in COTW, and I want to play with him, too. He brings in a small plot-like thing to bide the time until I can sink my teeth into Visage.

Item Three

I'm sorry I havne't been answering any comments. I really do appreciate all the support you all have given me. But, somehow, I'm not ... ready? Or something to answer comments. It's stupid and weird and I don't understand, but I'll try to get to them soon.

Things I'm going to do to pull myself out of this:

There's a Women's Focus groups at the GLB center in my county (I didn't know we had one). I'm going to go to it on Monday night and see how it feels.

I'm going to try Habitat for Humanity. Their new members meeting is on Tuesday, so I'm going to try and make that.

I've joined a new gym (women-only) to try to get my endorphins back.

I'm going to check out a Untarian Universalist Church and see how that works. My family isn't religious, but I went to one of these a few times when I was in high school. Theres one in my county that, in addition to Sunday seriveces and stuff, has an improve group and their choir has Sunday pracices for those who can't make it during the week (which I can't right now). I like to act and sing, and I like the message of the religion (considering they tend to leave God out of it) so I'll see how it goes.

So, I've got a plan. I feel better with a plan. I'm still a little depressed, but I do feel a little better. I finally told my mom why I've been crying all weekend, and I might get my Superman cake (I want a Clex cake, or at least a SV cake, but we'll see what Baskin Robbins offers). She's the one who suggested the church, but she doesn't quite no what else to do. She does, however, understand about the whole 25 thing.

Okay, off to bed now. Thanks again.