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Jan. 31st, 2004 12:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafina20Okay, so here's what I think is going on lately. I've always wanted to be 25. It seems like this age where you're finally old enough for people to start considering you as an adult, but young enough to still be young. It sounds cool; I apparently like numbers with 5 in them, because 15 is cool, as is 35, 45, 55, etc. It's just ... you're in the middle. You're halfway away from something, halfway towards something, and it's settled somehow. Everyone makes a big deal out of 18 and 21, but they didn't mean anything. Oh, 18, big deal. I can vote. Can't do anything else except move out legally (which I didn't) and have sex (ha), but its supposed to be important. It wasn't. Same with 21. I could drink. I didn't have any friends who could take me out to drink, nothing in my life changed, it was a big fat nothing.
25 was supposed to be different. I mean, empirically, it is. I've graduated, got my credential, will be moving out soon, will be getting a full time position. Things are going to change.
But ... for the first time ever, I really wanted to celebrate something. And I'm not big on celebrations. I was practically forced to ever single graduation, saw no point in going to the prom, get pissed when I have to go to awards ceremonies, probably won't have a wedding even if I do get married, so ... I don't get it. But I wanted one for this. I wanted to do something. But, the fact is, I had more friends at 18 then I do now, and that's not the way it's supposed to be. And even then .... The only real reason I got to have a party is what I wanted to do happened to be what my friends wanted to do (go to Disneyland, watch 4 shows of the Festival of Fools, and eat cake). I know from experience if I had wanted to do something else, like Mieval Times (one of my favorite places to go), I wouldn't have gotten it.
Which leads me to the next part: I am a truly bad, horrible, and disgusting person. I don't want a lot of friends, but I can't even keep a few friends. I've had 1 steady friend since high school and, unfortunatly, she's not the kind of person you go out and party with. We do movies, Disneyland, lunch, coffee, and it's great. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But try to step out of that comfort zone, it gets uncomfortable and I end up not having fun. But I do't know how to make friends, I don't know how to keep friends, and I know it's due to some huge flaw in myself. But I don't know what to do about it. When I went to therapy, the fucktards main advice was, "Go out and meet people." When I tried to explain I can't, he burshed it aside.
It's not like I don't try. I join clubs. I take classes. I seek avenuse where I'll meet people. But, when I do, something inevitably goes wrong. Only 2 people show up to the club meetings, and they've been friends forever and don't like anything I do. Everyone is ten years older than I am, married, and not really looking for new friends, just people to see once a week/month when they go to this certain event. I don't know how to approach people, I have no idea how to talk to people. I never have anyone to take with me to help make connections. I feel stupid and worthless and unimportant and right now it just seems like this is going to be my life. Nothing will ever change, I'll never find anyone, either as friends or lovers, and my life will be a waste.
At least I know I wont' commit suicide because there's this part of me that can't believe any of it and who knows maybe tomorrow something will change. I don't belive it will, but soemthing does.
25 was supposed to be different. I mean, empirically, it is. I've graduated, got my credential, will be moving out soon, will be getting a full time position. Things are going to change.
But ... for the first time ever, I really wanted to celebrate something. And I'm not big on celebrations. I was practically forced to ever single graduation, saw no point in going to the prom, get pissed when I have to go to awards ceremonies, probably won't have a wedding even if I do get married, so ... I don't get it. But I wanted one for this. I wanted to do something. But, the fact is, I had more friends at 18 then I do now, and that's not the way it's supposed to be. And even then .... The only real reason I got to have a party is what I wanted to do happened to be what my friends wanted to do (go to Disneyland, watch 4 shows of the Festival of Fools, and eat cake). I know from experience if I had wanted to do something else, like Mieval Times (one of my favorite places to go), I wouldn't have gotten it.
Which leads me to the next part: I am a truly bad, horrible, and disgusting person. I don't want a lot of friends, but I can't even keep a few friends. I've had 1 steady friend since high school and, unfortunatly, she's not the kind of person you go out and party with. We do movies, Disneyland, lunch, coffee, and it's great. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But try to step out of that comfort zone, it gets uncomfortable and I end up not having fun. But I do't know how to make friends, I don't know how to keep friends, and I know it's due to some huge flaw in myself. But I don't know what to do about it. When I went to therapy, the fucktards main advice was, "Go out and meet people." When I tried to explain I can't, he burshed it aside.
It's not like I don't try. I join clubs. I take classes. I seek avenuse where I'll meet people. But, when I do, something inevitably goes wrong. Only 2 people show up to the club meetings, and they've been friends forever and don't like anything I do. Everyone is ten years older than I am, married, and not really looking for new friends, just people to see once a week/month when they go to this certain event. I don't know how to approach people, I have no idea how to talk to people. I never have anyone to take with me to help make connections. I feel stupid and worthless and unimportant and right now it just seems like this is going to be my life. Nothing will ever change, I'll never find anyone, either as friends or lovers, and my life will be a waste.
At least I know I wont' commit suicide because there's this part of me that can't believe any of it and who knows maybe tomorrow something will change. I don't belive it will, but soemthing does.
