(no subject)

[serafina20]

Okay, so here's what I think is going on lately. I've always wanted to be 25. It seems like this age where you're finally old enough for people to start considering you as an adult, but young enough to still be young. It sounds cool; I apparently like numbers with 5 in them, because 15 is cool, as is 35, 45, 55, etc. It's just ... you're in the middle. You're halfway away from something, halfway towards something, and it's settled somehow. Everyone makes a big deal out of 18 and 21, but they didn't mean anything. Oh, 18, big deal. I can vote. Can't do anything else except move out legally (which I didn't) and have sex (ha), but its supposed to be important. It wasn't. Same with 21. I could drink. I didn't have any friends who could take me out to drink, nothing in my life changed, it was a big fat nothing.

25 was supposed to be different. I mean, empirically, it is. I've graduated, got my credential, will be moving out soon, will be getting a full time position. Things are going to change.

But ... for the first time ever, I really wanted to celebrate something. And I'm not big on celebrations. I was practically forced to ever single graduation, saw no point in going to the prom, get pissed when I have to go to awards ceremonies, probably won't have a wedding even if I do get married, so ... I don't get it. But I wanted one for this. I wanted to do something. But, the fact is, I had more friends at 18 then I do now, and that's not the way it's supposed to be. And even then .... The only real reason I got to have a party is what I wanted to do happened to be what my friends wanted to do (go to Disneyland, watch 4 shows of the Festival of Fools, and eat cake). I know from experience if I had wanted to do something else, like Mieval Times (one of my favorite places to go), I wouldn't have gotten it.

Which leads me to the next part: I am a truly bad, horrible, and disgusting person. I don't want a lot of friends, but I can't even keep a few friends. I've had 1 steady friend since high school and, unfortunatly, she's not the kind of person you go out and party with. We do movies, Disneyland, lunch, coffee, and it's great. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But try to step out of that comfort zone, it gets uncomfortable and I end up not having fun. But I do't know how to make friends, I don't know how to keep friends, and I know it's due to some huge flaw in myself. But I don't know what to do about it. When I went to therapy, the fucktards main advice was, "Go out and meet people." When I tried to explain I can't, he burshed it aside.

It's not like I don't try. I join clubs. I take classes. I seek avenuse where I'll meet people. But, when I do, something inevitably goes wrong. Only 2 people show up to the club meetings, and they've been friends forever and don't like anything I do. Everyone is ten years older than I am, married, and not really looking for new friends, just people to see once a week/month when they go to this certain event. I don't know how to approach people, I have no idea how to talk to people. I never have anyone to take with me to help make connections. I feel stupid and worthless and unimportant and right now it just seems like this is going to be my life. Nothing will ever change, I'll never find anyone, either as friends or lovers, and my life will be a waste.

At least I know I wont' commit suicide because there's this part of me that can't believe any of it and who knows maybe tomorrow something will change. I don't belive it will, but soemthing does.

Comments

[kriscat.livejournal.com]

::Hug::

I know exactly how you feel. I have a hard time finding friends too. In a group, I'm always the one, if not completely on the outside, at least, a little bit to the left.

[littlebad.livejournal.com]

more ::Hugs::
I can't really think of anything that can make you feel better except that your not alone, I had no friends during my teens as I moved around to much and all through my 20s and 30s managed to give the impression that I was just very self contained, I can now say that I actually have a best friend with whom I socialize and actually can have fun, but I'm still single and often wonder how people actually make those connections that seems to last. Perhaps my expectations are different and I over analyse and talk myself out of things! Your writing shows you're none of those negative things you think you are, its just that you havn't found the right fit yet, perhaps moving out(presumably you mean family home) will help you connect with new people.

take care

LittleBad

On friends and frustration

[beet]

It's an interesting issue, this business of having friends. I was told once that people fall into three kinds of groups in the way they make friends. Some people have no more than one or two friends, with whom they are very, very close. Other people have a ton of friends, but aren't particularly close to any of them. The third group falls somewhere in between these two extremes.

It makes sense, if you think about it. We only have a limited time to spend with friends, and we can either spend large chunks with a few people or small chunks of time with a lot of people. I guess my point is that people do things differently, and if you have only one or two close friends you shouldn't be thinking of yourself as unlikable or unsocial. You might find that what you crave in friendship is intimacy, not variety.

If you do want to meet new people I think you are on the right track with clubs, etc. Volunteer activities are good, too, especially the ones that deal with large scale efforts and are likely to have lots of people your age (like working for a campaign or the National Park Service). You are right about making friends being uncomfortable and hard. I empathize with your frustration. It sucks that it take such a long time.

It sounds like you have a lot of exciting things on your plate for this year, what with getting your own place, becoming a real adult with full-time job, etc. (Very cool, though perhaps scary.) But it also sounds like you are stressing about your social situation so much you are having a hard time feeling the change in the air. I hope you are feeling better about things soon.
*hugs* betrue

[jeannie81.livejournal.com]

{{hugs}} I can't think of anything to say, other than you should hang in there. I hope you don't really believe you are a bad person, because you have less friends than you want to have (if you believe that, you must believe I'm a complete monster, because I have never had a boyfriend and I'm 22 =\). I hope luck will come your way soon and give you what you need.

I'm glad you complained

[sabershadowkat.livejournal.com]

Which sounds really weird, but it's true. Obviously this is bugging you and getting it off your chest is one step in making yourself feel better.

Other things to give you hope
- you have cyberfriends. Granted, it's not the same as person-to-person friends, but they still count none the less.
- you have not begun full-time "permanent" employment yet. That's where most people make companion-type friends or 'office buddies.'
- you will find someone who you love who loves you back. And it will happen when you don't expect it too, which makes it all the more special.
- you are not alone. Real life friends are hard to make and most of us just stick with the pixilated ones with bouts of visitation, and spouses.

*hugs*

[sypher798.livejournal.com]

It's OK. I know society tries to tell you that at 25 there's a certain way your life should look. But as a newly 25 yr old I didn't have sex until I was 23 (which coincidentally was Sept 10th--I always remember because the very next day was the famed Sept 11th-- it's hard to be celebratory on a day like that).

And I've never had a boy or a girlfriend. I've never even dated. And I used to think that something was so wrong with me. Being Bi you'd think that I could find someone since your odds are supposed to double--but NO. *g*

I have a lot of friends-have I spoken to any of them in the last six months- a year? nope. Because they're people I grew up with or went to high school or college with and I still love them but I spend the majority of my time with 1 person--my best friend.

We're not close anymore and throughtout your life you grow up and apart.

What helps in meeting people is doing it in a environment you are comfortable. You are an excellent writer--try meeting someone in class and talk about your favorite writers. Your cyberfriends count. Even the ones you don't know very well because they never frickin' POST *waves*

If you lived in Chicago I'd invite you out for coffee because I don't have any real-life slash friends.

I don't know what you did but give yourself a break and try to fix it if it's fixable. If it's not , one of the good things about having a journal is that someone's always listening....

[noelql.livejournal.com]

I know what you're going through is hard; I've been there. **hugs**

That being said, I have a recommendation. Go to a fan con like ConneXions, Escapade or MediaWest. Going to my first con was terrifying and yet, I wouldn't trade any of my con friends for anything. They are my best friends in the world. I met my two best friends at my first con 9 years ago. I met my life partner, deannie, at a con 6 1/2 years ago. Give it a try sometime.

Until then, you have all of us!

**hugs**

[nasrani.livejournal.com]

*sits by you* Could it be that you try to hard and do too much? *hugses*

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

no.