serafina20 | Firefly fic

I swear I'm gonna work on COTW. No, really. I'm just, you know. Busy. But grades are in and out and all, so....

I've neither tagged nor memoried this fic. I'm not good.

Previous Chapters

Quiet wakefulness. Serenity, alive, in touch with her passengers, moved with them as if she had a circadian rhythm of its own. When she was calm, River could feel the ship as it moved through her daily rhythms, just like any person: wake, live, go about her day, tire, sleep. And when she was calm, River latched herself to that rhythm, living it, breathing it, sinking inside her.

More logically, she latched onto the rhythm of a person. Each member of Serenity's crew was a part of her--Serenity, River, sometimes there wasn't a difference. At different times, a different person represented her best. A different person to latch on to.

In the beginning, it had been the captain. Right after she'd emerged from her box, his mind had shown like a beacon. Shining, silver and keen and right, waves not as rough as the typhoon of her mind.

She had found his mind and latched onto it. He'd brushed away the cobwebs, kept the worst of the monsters away. The worst nightmare. He was River's rock.

But it changed. He grew erratic, upset, never the same day in and out. Inara was better, steady, smooth, not as sensitive. Not as receptive, but easy enough to crawl inside.

Then, Simon made the medicine work better. River found Kaylee. Kaylee, who was bright and cheerful and smart and more steady than anyone River had ever met. And she was Serenity in so many ways. The ship, River already loved. The girl, she'd been fascinated with. It was only a short step to fall for her as well.

River swung her legs slowly, gazing sightlessly at the empty cargo hold.

Serenity was waking. Too slowly, too quickly for the day to come. And River was caught, drifting with the tide.

The door to Mal's cabin opened. River didn't need to turn around to know who had emerged. She simply held up the mug of coffee she'd brought with her in offering.

"Thank God," Camille sighed, sounding as if she'd been wandering the desert and finally stumbled onto an oasis. She took the coffee and sat next to River.

"Prophet said you need it to survive. Like you sweat coffee during sex."

Camille pulled her mouth away from the mug, swallowing. "Lovely image."

"Poet."

"Don't tell him that. He'll get a big head." She took another swallow of her coffee. / Like his head isn't already big enough./ she added mentally.

River smiled. "Too big for the ship. Gonna cause problems." Then she sighed. "Better he comes with us, though. Good for Simon." She glanced at Camille. "Sex is different for you and Simon."

She frowned and shot a look at River.

"Than Inara." River shrugged. "She has a client, goes off, has sex, comes back the same. Not radiant. Not happy. Complacent. Fulfilled. Like Book after he prays. Not a joy, just a duty. Sacred and important. Not something done for…" She trailed off, unable to find the word.

"The need to connect to another person out of desire to have them just to yourself," Camille said.

"'Love is never selfish'," River quoted.

Camille snorted. "Like most things in that gorram book, that's go se. I mean, Simon loves you, would do everything for you. He gave up his whole life for you. Part of that's because he wants what's best for you. Most of it. But a part of it's also for him. Because he needs you. He isn't whole without you." She took another sip of her coffee. "Heard a preacher once go on about how wanting someone, lusting after them, it's selfish. It thinks only of your own pleasure and none of them. I never saw that true. I lust after Mal. I want him, want the pleasure he can give me. Don't mean I don't want to do the same for him. But if there isn't something in it for me, I don't think it's really love."

"Your first time… That's what was missing. The Companions weren't in love with you. It wasn't love. Garrison fell in love at first sight, and you wanted that connected. To give him something even while you were taking."

Her eyes suddenly burned brightly. Camille tried to blink the tears away, but they fell.

River took her hand and squeezed. "More than enough room for both. And moving on doesn't take away."

"I know." She licked her lips. "I never thought of that before. You're right." She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "When I'm not with… when it's just about sex, I'm not like this."

"Happy?"

She shrugged.

"Radiant." River shivered. "I'm scared."

"Of sex?"

She shook her head, mute.

"Oh." Camille moved her hand in River's until their fingers were interlaced. "It's not that bad." Hollow words.

"I envy you for not knowing. I long to be ignorant of what's to come." She breathed deep. "How can I walk into that room knowing the doctor cut into my brain just like they did?"

"It's not the same. They don't cut your brain. Just put the device right here." Camille touched the base of River's skull. "It slides right in and attaches. You'll barely know it's there."

"Unless Inara kicks me in the head."

"She does do that."

"And when I need a shot."

She smiled wryly. "Well, yeah. But otherwise, it's fine." She scrubbed her hand through her hair. "It would be easier if you didn't know. And now you've had all this time to worry about it. And I didn't help with what I did yesterday."

"Wasn't on purpose."

"No. It still didn't help." She squeezed River's hand. "But you'll be fine, I promise. And I'll be with you, won't leave your side. We'll get you fixed up."

"It's just a matter of popping open the lid, playing around with the wetworks, and sewing you back up."

"Prophet!" Camille shouted.

Although the words sent a shiver through her, River bumped Camille with her shoulder. "Rule one: don't listen to anything he says."

Camille smiled. "True."

"Oh, well then, since it's just you and me, Camille, I just have to tell you about the guy I bagged last night. His co.... ouch!" Prophet rubbed the back of his head. "What'd you do that for?"

"You are such a twat."

"Two brightly glowing souls, one broken lightbulb." River sighed. "Be the light or reflect it."

"Hell no," Prophet said. "We are the light. That's why we got picked, little brook. We're the brightest lights in the verse. It's the duty of the rest of them to reflect our light."

"And the duty of loves to keep us in check," River suggested.

Prophet put his hand over his heart. "As if I need to be kept in check. You wound me with your implication."

River glanced at Camille. They both burst into giggles.

"Women. This isn't fair." Prophet pouted, but River could feel that he was happy. Really, truly happy since the first time they'd met. Like he was whole again.

It was good. But, not. She wasn't Trinity and didn't want to be. She couldn't fill the other women's shoes. She was too damaged, too raw and new.

"Hey." Prophet slung his arm over her shoulder. "Don't worry. I would never cast you in Trinity's role." He kissed her forehead. "You're too skinny, for one. And I'm more interested in bedding your brother than you. It's just nice to be a threesome again. You may both be against me right now, but one day, little brook, one day, it'll be you and me against the chameleon. "

River kissed his cheek. "Just keep that in mind."

Prophet kissed her again, then glanced over River to Camille. "Nice shirt." He smirked. "Forgot your pants."

Camille extended her legs and looked at them admiringly. "If I wore pants, I couldn't show these off. I rather like them."

"I'm a mite fond of them myself." Mal crouched behind Camille and kissed her neck. "Mornin'."

She tilted her head back, rested it on his shoulder. "Hey you." They kissed.

Prophet cleared his throat loudly.

"I see you." Mal shot him a look. "Morning Prophet. River." He kissed Camille again.

"No fair. River and I need kisses too."

"Y'all got your own lovers to kiss you. Don't need me. Now." He sat behind Camille, pulling her into his lap and dangled his legs over the edge of the railing. "What's on the agenda today?"

Camille handed him her coffee. "Breakfast with the troops."

Mal grimaced.

"Then Camille gets her brain poked at with big, shiny sticks, River does the same. Then River has a date with a bone saw, they'll tinker a bit with the noggin, and, poof! All done."

"And then the real fun begins." River swallowed and leaned into Prophet, although, currently, he was the least comforting person there. Still, his open cynicism and mockery was kind of refreshing. It had a sharper edge than Mal's, but his pain was so much newer. And intention was different. Mal was a cynical idealist; he desperately longed for something greater to believe in, had built something to believe in out of a broken old ship full of broken people, loved with all his heart but didn't trust it to not be taken away. Prophet was more vulnerable. He wanted to believe but hadn't found a purpose yet. And he still wanted punishment for the abuse he'd suffered.

Mal's pain glowed dully, like old brass. Prophet's shone bright as gold in the sunlight.

"We can still back out, little one. Pack up our own and say good-bye to this gorram moon."

"No, Captain. I want to get better." Then, with a sideways glance, she added, "Everyone else is getting laid. It's my turn."

She laughed as Mal turned red.

"Come on, Brooke." Prophet stood and tugged River with him. "Lets go claim a table for breakfast."

"How much time do we have?" asked Mal.

"About ten minutes." Prophet smiled cheekily. "Dress fast." He looped his arm around River's waist and led her away.

River waited until they were off Serenity and in the school. "What's wrong."

"Garrison pulled me aside this morning. I know, and he knows, that Camille wants to be there with you, but he doesn't think that's a good idea."

"What do you think?"

"For once, Garrison might have something. Camille's kind of high strung right now."

"While you are always very calm."

"Even Steven, that's my name." Prophet smiled charmingly. "Kaylee can be there, too, but it's important to have a psychic around. And the psychic who's there should continue to be there to help you along until you settle in."

River narrowed her eyes. "And he chose you."

Prophet smirked. "Yeah, well. He's stacking his deck. In more ways than one. We bond and your captain will have to take me along when we scatter. I get to stay with Simon, which Garrison could give fuck-all about, and, more importantly, I get to stay with Camille. Plus, you'll be there to boss me around and I'll be just as happy as pie."

"I'm younger than you are."

"Yeah, but you can still be my mother figure."

She frowned.

"Okay, big sister. Sister. Twin?"

"Okay."

"Okay."

Breakfast passed without incident. Garrison sat at a different table, although he and Mal did exchange terse but pleasant greetings. Jayne made crude innuendos--nothing new--Simon blushed so hard he looked like he'd been dipped and paint and Camille, relaxed and self-assured, met and matched everything Jayne threw at her.

"Is Jayne quieter?" River asked Camille after he'd left.

Camille nodded. "A few days here, even the most obtuse learn how to blanket themselves. It's defensive. Whether he consciously or not, he's realized that he keeps losing whatever game he's playing because his mind is broadcasting. So, the brain counters by throwing up defenses. Shallow ones, but they're there. Anyone can do it."

Trouble didn't start until after breakfast. Garrison came to the table. "River. It's time."

Her pulse pounded at her temples. She stood and nodded.

"Garrison." Simon pushed away from the table. "I understand why I can't do the actual procedures, but I'd like to be there."

"Of course." He looked at Mal.

Mal nodded. "You ain't taken no one from my crew anywhere without me there."

"I expected nothing less. And, Kaylee. I assume you want to be at least nearby."

"'Course." Kaylee's hand gripped River's too tightly. "Only, honey, I don't know iffen I actually want to see them. You know. Cut you."

"Just be near." River kissed her.

Garrison turned to Camille. He looked at her.

The air changed.

"You bastard."

"Camille..."

"You .... no!"

Mal was at Camille's side. "What's going on?"

Any excuse to fight, River thought, tired.

Prophet stepped besides Garrison. "Garrison doesn't want Camille with River. I'm going to be there, instead."

"You had a hard day yesterday, Camille."

"Go se. You're jealous that I've moved on."

"Unlike some, I am not led solely by my libido."

The words echoed like a slap. Camille stood, stricken.

Inara moved first. Dark eyes like poison, she took Camille by the shoulders and turned her away. "Come, bao bei. You don't need to be here."

Camille moved mechanically. Pale face, eyes dark, she looked like a doll. Coppelia, dancing done, being returned to her shelf.

The eyes of both men who loved her on her back.

Mal watched until Camille was gone. Then he turned to Garrison and punched.

The other man stumbled back, lip split. He straightened. "Happy?"

"If I leave this moon right now, it will not have been soon enough."

Garrison's smile was tired. "And you've never said the wrong thing to the woman you love? You've never had a love you denied yourself and lashed out at her for the choices you made?"

River watched as Mal opened his mouth to deny it, only to realize he couldn't.

"And yet another reason to dislike me, Captain. We are too much alike." He turned back to River. "Let's go. The doctors are waiting."

Kaylee took her hand and her brother put his hand on her shoulder. Thus fortified, River walked to the procedure room.