More Firefly fic
Oct. 9th, 2005 10:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafina20My friend is all concerned because she wants to see Serenity and knows i've already seen it once. I don't know how to break it to her I saw it twice. And really do want to see it a third time.
Green day tonight.
"It's shiny here, ain't it?" Kaylee said brightly. She fell back onto the thick, cushy bed, throwing her arms out. "It's all comfy soft and pretty colors."
River smiled fondly at her girlfriend. "Yes," she agreed. "Shiny." There was a computer screen next to the door; on the outside of each room was a corresponding screen. No locks here, not anywhere. Just doors with computer screens and messages that showed up on the outside. Come in or Busy or Not Here.
River keyed the code for "Do Not Disturb." She hesitated for a moment, wondering if there was a way to display a message so people who were allowed in the room would know. But Camille should know she could come in. Anyway, her room was connected to River and Kaylee's. She'd come in through that door.
"Everyone here is real friendly. They all seem to like you."
River turned away from the door and joined Kaylee on the bed. "Very friendly. Curious. A little jealous."
"Jealous?"
She shrugged and rested her head on Kaylee's shoulder. "I have a brother who risked everything for me. They're either orphans or their families abandoned them. Like my parents."
Kaylee kissed River on the forehead and tightened her arms. "There musta been a good reason. Like they was being threatened or somethin'. No one would ever give up a grown up daughter, specially not one as brilliant as you."
"No, of course not," Camille said sardonically from the door that connected their rooms. "Just, you know, pretty much every single parent of every kid here."
River lifted her head. "I like Kaylee's story."
"I think Kaylee's story is full of go shi."
River threw a pillow at her. "Don't be mean." She kissed Kaylee. "Don't listen to her. She's stupid."
"I know better than to take what she says too seriously," Kaylee said, but there was a note of sadness in her voice.
River shot Camille a look.
"I'm sorry, Kaylee," Camille said with a sigh. She hugged her body, leaning against the door jamb. "I'm just... all out of it. I don't even have a reason to be such a si san ba. My parents didn't abandon me. They're both dead. And I can't imagine that everyone's folks gave their kids up easy. The Alliance had to have been leaning on them."
"Like my parents."
"Probably." Camille went back into her room; when she returned, she was carrying a change of clothes. "Garrison tried to get in contact with a few parents, to let them know that their kids were safe and they could see them. But that would mean they'd have to leave their homes and jobs. Their security. Most people aren't willing to do that." She stripped out of the hospital-like gown she was wearing and pulled on a pair of pants and a shirt.
"Simon were willing to give it all up," Kaylee said. She stroked River's hair. "You're so lucky to have him for a brother."
River knew that Kaylee was trying to make her feel good, but a heavy sadness filled her at the words. "Yeah," she said softly. "Lucky. He gave up everything for me. His career. His money. Friends. Life. All for me." Tears gathered in her eyes. "All he ever wanted was me. A sister."
Camille came to the bed and sat next to her. "Really?"
She nodded, pulling Kaylee's arms around her. "He was smarter than the other kids. Didn't know how to make them like him. Lonely. Wanted something his to love. Wanted me. Told me once that the happiest day in his life was when I was born. He loved taking care of me and dressing me up. Reading to me. Playing with me. Teaching me. And I loved him more than anything. Then they took me. Broke me." Tears were falling now and she was trembling uncontrollably. "And he keeps trying. Keeps giving things up because I need. Coulda had Mal. Wanted Mal, but I was too broke, even with Kaylee and now he has no one and he's alone and beings stalked and... And I hate being broken. Hate that I'm still here when he's so sad and I know that..." She stopped talking and turned into Kaylee, burying her face in Kaylee's neck.
Kaylee stroked her hair gently. "It's okay, bao bei. It's okay. You ain't broke, honey. And we're here to get you fixed."
"Can't be fixed. Won't ever be the same. He won't like me when I'm not the same."
"Sure he will," Camille said. She put her arms around River, snuggling with her and Kaylee. "Simon wanted you so bad that he gave up everything. And he found his sister."
"Broken. Not the same."
"Doesn't matter to him. He found you. You would have been different no matter what, even if you were just older. It's what happened." Camille kissed River on the cheek. "And you're not that broken. You shoulda seen me when Garrison got me out. I never made sense. I couldn't stop throwing things. And I'd never had a girlfriend or boyfriend before. I was only thirteen when I was taken, and there weren't many kids around where I lived. Mom home schooled me because I was so advanced. When she died, the ranch hands took care of me, and they were all older and gentlemen and stuff. Then I went to the Alliance, got tortured for a few years. When Garrison got me out and took the androgen blocker out..."
River shuddered, tears falling faster.
Camille wiped the tears away. "It's going to be okay, River. You're not going to turn into a sex-crazed fiend, I swear. You'll just want to have sex. A lot."
"What's the difference?"
"Sex is good, River," Kaylee said. "Really. You've seen how much I like it. Now you'll like it, too."
River wiped her eyes. "What if... what if I want to have sex with someone else? What if you're too tired and I can't... stop?"
Kaylee's smile faltered. "Well. I'll deal. I know it won't be nothing personal. Maybe I won't be happy or nothing, but, I mean, I can't hold it against you. It ain't your fault. I'll just have one more thing to hate the Alliance for."
"Will you still want me?"
"Of course. You're my girlfriend, River. I love you."
River felt herself crumble, and she leaned into Kaylee. "I love you. I want to be whole for you. I want to want to be touched. But I'm afraid if I want to be touched by someone else, you won't want to touch me any more."
Kaylee kissed her head. "River, I ain't the captain. And I'm sorry he's being such a zhu tou jerk, Camille. I know he wants you. I seen the way he looks at you. It's the same way he used to look at Inara. Sometimes, he still does. Only, with you, he ain't always so angry, like he's made at himself for wantin' you. At least, I mean. He weren't, till he decided that you only wanted him because of this androgen blocker thing. But, River, I know you. I know you're mine and I know you're in for a rough time. I ain't gonna judge. I mean, I weren't exactly all pure and untouched before you."
"But you're not still with people."
"River, please, don't worry about this," Camille said. "Everyone has a different experience. You're unlike any other kid ever brought here. None of us had been living on the outside and rebuilding our lives. We came here directly from the Academy. We didn't get to interact with normal people. We didn't get wonderful girlfriends. I was so freaked out by other people touching me that it took forever for me to get comfortable with it."
River blinked, lifting her head from Kaylee's shoulder. "What do you mean?" Camille seemed so confident and sexual, it was hard to imagine her being scared of it.
Her fair skin colored. Camille pulled slightly away from River, looking down at her hands so her hair hung around her face. "Like I said, I'd never had a boyfriend before. And all the sudden, my body was working in overdrive to start producing this hormone it shoulda been producing for years. I was hot and horny and my heart was pounding. I was confused. But, worse, without the blocker, my psychic powers went out of control. Sometimes, it seemed as if everyone within the surrounding system was in my brain and, other times, I was so empty it hurt. That's really why we need sex, you see. It's not about the body. It's about the mind. The Alliance wanted us powerful, but in their control. Their choices. So they blocked the androgen so we didn't have a choice in anything, not how we focus our minds, not how open or closed our minds on, not our own bodies. Nothing. Without it, we can control it. After the first rush, as your body learns to regulate the hormones, you don't always need sex. It's just nice."
"So you were scared?" River prompted.
Camille's lips curved into a slight smile. "Yeah. I tried to hold out as long as I could, but finally I had such a bad headache, I just... I had to do something about the voices. So I went to Ian, one of the Companions. He's a Companion, you know? Nice, gentle, elegant. And every time he got close to kiss me, I tensed up so bad. My stomach hurt, I almost threw up. I just couldn't. He decided that maybe I'd be better with a woman, so he got Deanna. But it wasn't really any better. The only difference was she could hold me and calm me down. But I was so hot and aching and jus miserable. They got a couple kids, but I freaked out there, too. I thought I was going to die. I thought they'd have to put me to sleep or something. I just... everything was so wrong. Finally Garrison came." She licked her lips. "I trusted him. He was the first face I'd seen that wasn't one of the Alliance. He'd told me everything was going to be okay, and I believed him."
"So you two had sex," Kaylee said, sounding a little swoony, like she was listening to a fairy tale.
"Not right away. He took me to his room and we ate. Played some games, like checkers and stuff." Camille blushed deeply, a crooked smile on her face. "He played with my hair. It was long back then, longer, at any rate. He brushed it and braided it and just... he made me feel so safe. So cherished and loved and adored." Tears glistened in her eyes. "Even though we weren't having sex at first, my mind found his and focused. And by the time I was relaxed enough, I wanted him so bad. He just laid me down and kissed me all over. Slowly took my clothes off and it weren't sex. He made love to me." The tears fell and her chin trembled. "Why doesn't he love me anymore?"
"Oh, sweetie." Kaylee pulled Camille back to her and River.
River put her arms around Camille and kissed her cheek. "He does. You're his chameleon. But he isn't right for you."
"No one is, then." Camille pressed her face against River's hair. "Mal doesn't want me. He hates me. Garrison wants me to grow up and find someone else. And I'm stuck." She sniffed. "You're lucky, River. You came here with family. You came with a girlfriend. It won't be as scary for you and Kaylee isn't going anywhere." She lifted her head and tried for a smile. "If someone as sexual as Kaylee stayed with you so long without sex, you gotta know it's you she loves. And that she's not going anywhere." She kissed River's cheek. "You're very lovable, River. And I know things are going to be fine."
River stroked Camille's hair, tucking a few strands behind her ear. "I love you, too. Camille Kathleen, you're very loveable. And Daddy's going to figure that out. He's not going to let you go like he had to let Inara."
"Captain can be stubborn, no question," Kaylee put in. "But he's not a stupid man. Just, I dunno. Stubborn."
"No locks here." River smiled at Camille. "Everything can be opened."
Camille snorted and wiped at her eyes. "No locks," she repeated. "Yet, somehow, in a base with no locks, that man barred his door real good so I can't get in."
"You're already in," River assured her. "If he barred his door, that means he can't let you out."
si san ba: bitch
Green day tonight.
"It's shiny here, ain't it?" Kaylee said brightly. She fell back onto the thick, cushy bed, throwing her arms out. "It's all comfy soft and pretty colors."
River smiled fondly at her girlfriend. "Yes," she agreed. "Shiny." There was a computer screen next to the door; on the outside of each room was a corresponding screen. No locks here, not anywhere. Just doors with computer screens and messages that showed up on the outside. Come in or Busy or Not Here.
River keyed the code for "Do Not Disturb." She hesitated for a moment, wondering if there was a way to display a message so people who were allowed in the room would know. But Camille should know she could come in. Anyway, her room was connected to River and Kaylee's. She'd come in through that door.
"Everyone here is real friendly. They all seem to like you."
River turned away from the door and joined Kaylee on the bed. "Very friendly. Curious. A little jealous."
"Jealous?"
She shrugged and rested her head on Kaylee's shoulder. "I have a brother who risked everything for me. They're either orphans or their families abandoned them. Like my parents."
Kaylee kissed River on the forehead and tightened her arms. "There musta been a good reason. Like they was being threatened or somethin'. No one would ever give up a grown up daughter, specially not one as brilliant as you."
"No, of course not," Camille said sardonically from the door that connected their rooms. "Just, you know, pretty much every single parent of every kid here."
River lifted her head. "I like Kaylee's story."
"I think Kaylee's story is full of go shi."
River threw a pillow at her. "Don't be mean." She kissed Kaylee. "Don't listen to her. She's stupid."
"I know better than to take what she says too seriously," Kaylee said, but there was a note of sadness in her voice.
River shot Camille a look.
"I'm sorry, Kaylee," Camille said with a sigh. She hugged her body, leaning against the door jamb. "I'm just... all out of it. I don't even have a reason to be such a si san ba. My parents didn't abandon me. They're both dead. And I can't imagine that everyone's folks gave their kids up easy. The Alliance had to have been leaning on them."
"Like my parents."
"Probably." Camille went back into her room; when she returned, she was carrying a change of clothes. "Garrison tried to get in contact with a few parents, to let them know that their kids were safe and they could see them. But that would mean they'd have to leave their homes and jobs. Their security. Most people aren't willing to do that." She stripped out of the hospital-like gown she was wearing and pulled on a pair of pants and a shirt.
"Simon were willing to give it all up," Kaylee said. She stroked River's hair. "You're so lucky to have him for a brother."
River knew that Kaylee was trying to make her feel good, but a heavy sadness filled her at the words. "Yeah," she said softly. "Lucky. He gave up everything for me. His career. His money. Friends. Life. All for me." Tears gathered in her eyes. "All he ever wanted was me. A sister."
Camille came to the bed and sat next to her. "Really?"
She nodded, pulling Kaylee's arms around her. "He was smarter than the other kids. Didn't know how to make them like him. Lonely. Wanted something his to love. Wanted me. Told me once that the happiest day in his life was when I was born. He loved taking care of me and dressing me up. Reading to me. Playing with me. Teaching me. And I loved him more than anything. Then they took me. Broke me." Tears were falling now and she was trembling uncontrollably. "And he keeps trying. Keeps giving things up because I need. Coulda had Mal. Wanted Mal, but I was too broke, even with Kaylee and now he has no one and he's alone and beings stalked and... And I hate being broken. Hate that I'm still here when he's so sad and I know that..." She stopped talking and turned into Kaylee, burying her face in Kaylee's neck.
Kaylee stroked her hair gently. "It's okay, bao bei. It's okay. You ain't broke, honey. And we're here to get you fixed."
"Can't be fixed. Won't ever be the same. He won't like me when I'm not the same."
"Sure he will," Camille said. She put her arms around River, snuggling with her and Kaylee. "Simon wanted you so bad that he gave up everything. And he found his sister."
"Broken. Not the same."
"Doesn't matter to him. He found you. You would have been different no matter what, even if you were just older. It's what happened." Camille kissed River on the cheek. "And you're not that broken. You shoulda seen me when Garrison got me out. I never made sense. I couldn't stop throwing things. And I'd never had a girlfriend or boyfriend before. I was only thirteen when I was taken, and there weren't many kids around where I lived. Mom home schooled me because I was so advanced. When she died, the ranch hands took care of me, and they were all older and gentlemen and stuff. Then I went to the Alliance, got tortured for a few years. When Garrison got me out and took the androgen blocker out..."
River shuddered, tears falling faster.
Camille wiped the tears away. "It's going to be okay, River. You're not going to turn into a sex-crazed fiend, I swear. You'll just want to have sex. A lot."
"What's the difference?"
"Sex is good, River," Kaylee said. "Really. You've seen how much I like it. Now you'll like it, too."
River wiped her eyes. "What if... what if I want to have sex with someone else? What if you're too tired and I can't... stop?"
Kaylee's smile faltered. "Well. I'll deal. I know it won't be nothing personal. Maybe I won't be happy or nothing, but, I mean, I can't hold it against you. It ain't your fault. I'll just have one more thing to hate the Alliance for."
"Will you still want me?"
"Of course. You're my girlfriend, River. I love you."
River felt herself crumble, and she leaned into Kaylee. "I love you. I want to be whole for you. I want to want to be touched. But I'm afraid if I want to be touched by someone else, you won't want to touch me any more."
Kaylee kissed her head. "River, I ain't the captain. And I'm sorry he's being such a zhu tou jerk, Camille. I know he wants you. I seen the way he looks at you. It's the same way he used to look at Inara. Sometimes, he still does. Only, with you, he ain't always so angry, like he's made at himself for wantin' you. At least, I mean. He weren't, till he decided that you only wanted him because of this androgen blocker thing. But, River, I know you. I know you're mine and I know you're in for a rough time. I ain't gonna judge. I mean, I weren't exactly all pure and untouched before you."
"But you're not still with people."
"River, please, don't worry about this," Camille said. "Everyone has a different experience. You're unlike any other kid ever brought here. None of us had been living on the outside and rebuilding our lives. We came here directly from the Academy. We didn't get to interact with normal people. We didn't get wonderful girlfriends. I was so freaked out by other people touching me that it took forever for me to get comfortable with it."
River blinked, lifting her head from Kaylee's shoulder. "What do you mean?" Camille seemed so confident and sexual, it was hard to imagine her being scared of it.
Her fair skin colored. Camille pulled slightly away from River, looking down at her hands so her hair hung around her face. "Like I said, I'd never had a boyfriend before. And all the sudden, my body was working in overdrive to start producing this hormone it shoulda been producing for years. I was hot and horny and my heart was pounding. I was confused. But, worse, without the blocker, my psychic powers went out of control. Sometimes, it seemed as if everyone within the surrounding system was in my brain and, other times, I was so empty it hurt. That's really why we need sex, you see. It's not about the body. It's about the mind. The Alliance wanted us powerful, but in their control. Their choices. So they blocked the androgen so we didn't have a choice in anything, not how we focus our minds, not how open or closed our minds on, not our own bodies. Nothing. Without it, we can control it. After the first rush, as your body learns to regulate the hormones, you don't always need sex. It's just nice."
"So you were scared?" River prompted.
Camille's lips curved into a slight smile. "Yeah. I tried to hold out as long as I could, but finally I had such a bad headache, I just... I had to do something about the voices. So I went to Ian, one of the Companions. He's a Companion, you know? Nice, gentle, elegant. And every time he got close to kiss me, I tensed up so bad. My stomach hurt, I almost threw up. I just couldn't. He decided that maybe I'd be better with a woman, so he got Deanna. But it wasn't really any better. The only difference was she could hold me and calm me down. But I was so hot and aching and jus miserable. They got a couple kids, but I freaked out there, too. I thought I was going to die. I thought they'd have to put me to sleep or something. I just... everything was so wrong. Finally Garrison came." She licked her lips. "I trusted him. He was the first face I'd seen that wasn't one of the Alliance. He'd told me everything was going to be okay, and I believed him."
"So you two had sex," Kaylee said, sounding a little swoony, like she was listening to a fairy tale.
"Not right away. He took me to his room and we ate. Played some games, like checkers and stuff." Camille blushed deeply, a crooked smile on her face. "He played with my hair. It was long back then, longer, at any rate. He brushed it and braided it and just... he made me feel so safe. So cherished and loved and adored." Tears glistened in her eyes. "Even though we weren't having sex at first, my mind found his and focused. And by the time I was relaxed enough, I wanted him so bad. He just laid me down and kissed me all over. Slowly took my clothes off and it weren't sex. He made love to me." The tears fell and her chin trembled. "Why doesn't he love me anymore?"
"Oh, sweetie." Kaylee pulled Camille back to her and River.
River put her arms around Camille and kissed her cheek. "He does. You're his chameleon. But he isn't right for you."
"No one is, then." Camille pressed her face against River's hair. "Mal doesn't want me. He hates me. Garrison wants me to grow up and find someone else. And I'm stuck." She sniffed. "You're lucky, River. You came here with family. You came with a girlfriend. It won't be as scary for you and Kaylee isn't going anywhere." She lifted her head and tried for a smile. "If someone as sexual as Kaylee stayed with you so long without sex, you gotta know it's you she loves. And that she's not going anywhere." She kissed River's cheek. "You're very lovable, River. And I know things are going to be fine."
River stroked Camille's hair, tucking a few strands behind her ear. "I love you, too. Camille Kathleen, you're very loveable. And Daddy's going to figure that out. He's not going to let you go like he had to let Inara."
"Captain can be stubborn, no question," Kaylee put in. "But he's not a stupid man. Just, I dunno. Stubborn."
"No locks here." River smiled at Camille. "Everything can be opened."
Camille snorted and wiped at her eyes. "No locks," she repeated. "Yet, somehow, in a base with no locks, that man barred his door real good so I can't get in."
"You're already in," River assured her. "If he barred his door, that means he can't let you out."
si san ba: bitch
