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serafina20So, I eneded up watching Lost tonight instead of SV. I would never, ever do that without good reasons. One: Lost looked like it was going to be 10 times better than SV. Two: My little sister and SV watching buddy is not here. Three: I wanted to see how badly I was goign to be jossed for my Lost fic.
The answer? Pretty badly. Oh, well, this'll be more interesteing.
I really liked Lost. And now, I have tomorrow off, so I can watch SV without rush.
Is there anyone who's free to beta this Lost fic? It's the expanded version of the one from the other day, and I think it's done. it just needs a beta.
of course, since I seem to have one reader, maybe I'll just post them here and not worry about anywhere else.
Title: Bug
Pairing: Jack/Boone
Spoilers: The Moth
Rating: PG
Summary: I feel pinned, like a bug under a microscope. I know where I want to be, where I think I should go, but I'm too busy being examined from every angle and found, as always, wanting.
"Should you be swimming?" Shannon asks as she wades up besides me. "You know what happened last time."
I sigh and shoot her a look, too tired and too unfocused to muster up any kind of come-back. "I think I'll be fine, Shannon," I say instead. "My feet are still touching the sand. I think I'll be fine."
"Well, you never know with this place," she says, and, God, can she make anything sound really, *really* bitchy, even something against the island.
And, currently, I'm pissed at the island, so bring it on and all that, but her comment still rankles and I want to snap at her. But, underneath her comment, I can also hear the... fear or whatever that prompted her to say it. Because, yeah, I may have just been a lifeguard at a water park, but I spend a lot of time at the ocean back home and I know how the ocean moves. Almost drowning the other day had been a complete surprise; I'm still not exactly sure what happened. One minute, I'd been swimming fine and the next, I was sucked straight *down*.
Rip tides don't do that. Neither do undertows. And animal might, maybe, yank you down, and, yeah, there was something tugging on my legs, but there were no bite marks. There was just this tug and I was down. And it held me there until I was too tired to struggle back up until finally Jack came.
Of course, I haven't told anyone this. First off, it sounds crazy. Second, I'm not entirely sure it's what happened. I mean, I *think* I’m right, but I could have created this mystically weird scenario to help myself save face.
I probably just got caught in an undertow and fucked up completely.
"Are you going to get out of the water? Jesus Christ, do you have a death wish or something?"
I bend over and dunk my head. It's a hot day and I've been sticky with sweat since the sun came up. I also smell, and it occurred to me that I probably smelled last night when I was with Jack. I mean, yeah, we're all sort of starting to smell, except for Sawyer, and that's just because he's got the mother load of deodorant hidden up his ass or something. And Shannon doesn't smell because that would be illegal.
I wonder where she got her deodorant.
I wonder if Jack was turned off.
"Boone!"
"Calm down," I tell her, and I really wish she'd stop screaming. I barely slept last night, and I'm starting to get a headache from fatigue. "I’m not going to drown."
A high pitch whistle sounds from behind us. Shannon looks and then rolls her eyes, jaw tightening in frustration. "That guy is such a jerk. Ewe. You know, he actually said that if I wanted a can of bug spray, I'd have to sleep with him. As *if*!" she shouts back over her shoulder.
I look back. To my utter lack of surprise, Sawyer is standing at the shore, smirking at us. "Looking mighty fine out there," he calls, voice carrying easily on the wind. "You know, I found a nice, secluded bay just a few miles down."
I gape at him when his eyes meet mine.
His smirk widens. "It's an awfully hot day to be wearing all those clothes. Why don't you give us all a show?"
"Dream on, pig!" Shannon shouts. She tosses her hair and throws her hip in such a way that her skirt flies up and you can see her thong. That takes talent.
Sawyer's eyes are lingering on my skin uncomfortably. I turn away from him and swallow. Why the hell is he looking at me? There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Sawyer is straight. I don’t even think he's conditionally gay. Especially not since I'm standing next to a girl who'd so obviously fuck him in a heartbeat (or a few; Shannon isn't so choosy when she's horny, but when she's not, she's a very talented cocktease. Not that I know from experience or anything because, again, ewe.)
"Does he remind you of R.J.?" she asks suddenly. "Because he reminds me of him, and if you start mooning over him, I'll kill you." And then she turns around and slogs out of the water.
I turn and watch her go. As she passes Sawyer, she gives him her patented sultry, go-fuck-yourself look and rubs water from her legs.
He watches her appreciatively, gets an insult in response, and then turns back to me.
"You were gone awhile last night, pretty boy. Find somethin' interesting in the big, bad jungle?"
I sigh and pour water some more water on my head. I don't want to get out of the water, but I’m uncomfortable standing there while Sawyer watches me. Since he seems to like to plop down in front of anything that he finds entertaining without moving, it makes most sense for me to move and get out of his line of site. So, after rubbing my neck, I turn and trudge back to shore. I'm steeling myself to walk past this man, trying to anticipate what he was going to say, when, suddenly, none of it matters anymore. As I pass Sawyer, Jack appears over the rise, a bag slung over his shoulder. His eyes find mine right away, and he grins.
At me.
I can't help but return the grin. It's absolutely infectious. "Hey," I say, Sawyer disappearing in the haze of happiness. "What are you doing here? I thought you moved."
He rolls his eyes at me and then shoots a look at Sawyer. "I came for my stuff," he says. Jack doesn't touch me when we come together, but I feel him just the same. It's weird, and no, it's not some mystical island crap or anything. I just... respond to him in a way I've never responded to anyone before. "I left things in the shelter I was using," Jack tells me. His fingers lightly and casually brush against my thigh. "I figure that I should get them sooner or later. You know." Jack looks at Sawyer, a tight smile on his face. "Just in case someone gets the idea they can take my belongings."
For a second, I almost think he's talking about me. But that's stupid.
Sawyer sort of snorts. "And when you're gone, that prime piece of beachside property is gonna be free, right?"
"Have at it." He turns back to me. "Want to help?"
I want to, but I don't think I'll be able to keep my hands off of him. Besides; I still smell.
I pull on my shirt and say, "I haven't had anything to eat today. I'll catch up with you later, okay?" I expect him to yell or get mad, or even look rejected, but he just nods and gives me another one of those smiles that I'm beginning to adore.
"Sure. Just make sure we hook up before I head back in. I need to make sure someone's looking out for the group the way I want them to."
And now we have the perfect excuse to touch. We clasp hands as I tell him, "Sure thing, man," and sort of hold for a minute. In a manly way, of course. And if he trails his finger tips over my palm as we release, well, Sawyer's far enough away that he won't notice.
I go back to the shelter I share with Shannon and get some food. She's hoarding it, but it's really not like we're running out again. Locke seems to be happy playing hunter and one of these days, the island has to throw us some kind of fruit tree or something. It *is* a tropical island, after all.
And I don't eat a lot.
As I make my way into the jungle for some shade and to get away from the ever-present sound of the waves, I see Kate over with Jack and Sawyer in Jack's old shelter. She doesn't look happy, and Jack isn't exactly pleased himself.
I miss Pepsi. I don't know why I'm thinking about that right now, when the guy I was making out with is in a passionate discussing with the girl who'd gladly go down on him, but I'm exhausted and hungry and really, *really* would like a syrupy, sugary caffeine fix.
Jack doesn't stay long. I knew he wouldn't. After he clears out his shelter, he starts on the infirmary. I know he's not taking all the medication, and before I disappear into the jungle, I see him drop a bag off in my shelter. Then, I'm gone, lost in the trees, trying to anticipate where he's going so I can be waiting for him when he gets there.
I have good timing. I just step behind a tree to wait when Jack comes, breaking a path through the underbrush.
"She's falling in love with you, you know," I say as he passes my tree.
He stops and that goofy smile breaks out over his face. The bag drops onto the floor and he turns towards the sound of my voice, and a ray of light breaks through the trees and falls on his face and I realize that I'm really, really lucky. That smile is all for me, and it's not because of the news I just gave him. He's just that happy that I exist.
Even though it has occurred to me many times over the past eight days that I really don't exist anymore. That none of us exist anymore.
"What are you skulking out here for?" Jack asks. He takes a step forward, but I can't bear to watch him leave the light, so I go to him. His arms go around my waist and his lips press into my neck and I think that this is suddenly all too easy.
"Waiting for you," I tell him. I let him push me back against the tree, his hand creeping underneath my shirt.
"I went to your tent, but you weren't there." He kisses my neck in a spot that makes me shiver. "I left you some medical supplies in your tent. You're the one I trust most to use them."
"You sure you want to?" I murmur in his ear. My lips brush over the lobe and I stroke the soft skin behind it. "I don't have a good track record. Why not give them to Sayid or Kate?"
"Because Sayid is too busy trying to find a way off the island and Kate doesn't want the responsibility. And I want you to keep them."
I sigh and kiss down the side of his face. "Careful, Jack, okay? You don't want people getting ideas."
His thumb strokes down the nape of my neck. "First of all, I don't see that there's anything in my actions that will give people ideas. You were a lifeguard, you're responsible, and you want to help people. No one else seems interested in taking that role. And, besides, if you ever have any questions, I know a doctor who's willing to give you some private tutoring." And his grabs my ass. "I'm not willing to do that for anyone else."
My ass feels like it's on fire; I push back against his hand, my stomach clenching. "It's just that...''
"You're afraid Kate's going to find out that I'm gay and then take it out on you."
I sigh and rest my head against the tree. "Yeah."
"Boone, even if it does happen, she'll deal with it. I more worried about Sawyer. He's frightening, quite frankly, and I'm afraid that when he finds out that he's been living with men who actually sleep with each other, he won't be able to control his violent impulses." He caressed my cheeks with his knuckles. "Don't worry about Kate."
"It's just that... She'd be upset in any case, but, I mean. It's me."
He frowns at that, but doesn't say anything. I'm glad he doesn't. I mean, since we crashed, I've been nothing but a fuck up. And when I fuck up, I do it in big ways. I mean, Charlie isn't exactly the most productive member of the strange sort of mini-community that's been created in the past few days, but at least he comes off as mostly harmless. He's cute and he's eager and he has those huge puppy-dog eyes. He helps when needed, is friendly to everyone, and kind of endears himself to you.
But he doesn't do anything big. Not like me. Me? I try to save Rose's life and mess up, I try to save the swimmer and get sucked into a vortex, and I try to protect the water and end up stealing it.
And the worst thing is, there's a part of me that knows that it's not me. I mean, I'm not screwing up on my own. It's the island. It doesn't want me to save anyone, doesn't want me to be the hero. It already chose Jack, so when I go out on too far a limb, it cuts the tree from under me.
I'm not the hero, not the leader, and not in charge. Everything I've ever known about myself is gone. Which is, actually, nothing new.
Sometimes, I feel I've been going for years without an identity. Before I came here, I finally, *finally* had felt as if I was getting somewhere. Finding something out about myself and, well, finding out who I was again, and now...
If it hadn't been the phone call before I left Australia that took it away, it would have been the island.
"You're right," he says, and it's like my world ends. "I don’t want to tell her. I do want to avoid the issue. But. It has nothing to do with you, Boone. I *hate* having to explain my sexuality to people. I especially hate it when I meet a woman that I feel a connection with."
"And you have a connection with her."
He nodded. "It's not just Kate, though. All my life, I've met women that I really gel with. I'm not in love with them, I don't want to sleep with them, but there's something there. And I think there's something there with Kate."
"But it's not the same as this." And I'm not seeking reassurance. Really.
He just shakes his head and kisses me. "No, it's not." He kisses me again, and it's like liquid flowing through me. His hands run over my face and around my neck. They stay there, just holding me, thumbs stroking over my Adam's apple.
I tense for a moment. The situation is way too familiar. Then, his hands slide down my body and really ruck up my shirt, and the moment is gone. It's gone, and I'm on fire. The island is too hot, the air is heavy on my skin, and his hips just rock into mind intently.
"I still can't believe all this," he whispers. Jack bites my lower lip and I moan. "You're so beautiful. I guy like you would never look twice at someone like me in real life."
And, I can't help it. I just, freeze. Completely. My eyes close and I stiffen and I draw away.
Jack stops, his fingers inches away from my nipple, and pulls back. "Boone?"
I feel the island sort of roll though me, half amused, half challenging.
"Is something wrong?"
I search frantically for something to say. My heart is pounding out of control now, and the sweat that makes my skin sticky isn't because of the heat or passion. It's sickly. And I feel like I’m going to throw up.
I should tell him. Confess what he's getting. Start this relationship with no secrets or shame, and I opened my mouth to say it, but "I'm really tired," is what comes out.
It tastes like failure.
"Did you sleep last night?" He touches my face with the back of his hand, looking concerned.
"I haven't... really. At all," I admit, relieved that he bought it. "I’m just... it seems like every time I drift off, something snaps me back awake. Like she doesn't want me to sleep."
His frown deepens. "Your sister?"
"No, the island."
"You just said she," he tells me.
I hadn't realized I'd assigned a gender to the island. God, I really am going crazy.
My head falls forward onto his shoulder. "I want to go home," I whisper, and it hurts to admit. Especially considering what I have to go back to.
Jack rubs my neck and holds me tightly. "Come to the caves with me," he whispers. His lips brush over my temple. "We've got water and shelter. You can't hear the ocean, and we can go somewhere and be alone. I'll stay while you sleep and I won't let anything disturb you. You can rest. And then, if you want, you can come back here to Shannon."
I want to. God, I want to so badly. The idea of going into the jungle, away from the ever present sound of waves crashing against the shore which I haven’t learned to block out yet, away from the every present sun that beats down and heats the sand, and the sand that sticks to everything, and away from Sawyer's smirks and anger and ever-present threat of violence. Away from Kate, who wants what's mine, and away from Sayid who can't admit that we can't be rescued because we don't exist anymore, away....
I want to. Want to rest. Want to sleep. But...
The island threatens disaster if I do. I can feel it. Every inch of the traitorous body that's surrendered to the island without asking my say-so warns me that if I go with him, *something* will happen.
Reluctantly, I pull away. "I can't. I'm one of the only ones left that knows about the French woman, and Sayid asked me if I'd meet with him and Kate later about some... plan." I smile wearily. "But I promise. Soon."
"You have to take care of yourself, Boone," Jack tells me. "You can't keep running until there's nothing left. There's too much to do right now, and too many people to take over for any one of us to take on too much of the burden. Let it go. Even if we are rescued, they won't come for awhile, and we have to start taking care of our survival needs now. Sleep is one of them."
I want to cry. I don't know what the island wants from me, and I can feel her disapproval at the idea of us being rescued, and I don’t know if I want to go home, but...
"I just want to sleep," I said, closing my eyes. "She won't let me, and until she does, I have to keep busy."
Jack kisses me, and then rests his forehead against my own. "I understand, Boone. But if you don't sleep by tomorrow, fuck what the bitch wants and come sleep with me. You're no good to anyone, not even her, if you're dead." He kisses me again and pulls away. "I'll talk to you soon."
I don't move from the tree as I watch Jack pick up his belongings and walk away. I feel pinned, like a bug under a microscope. I know where I want to be, where I think I should go, but I'm too busy being examined from every angle and found, as always, wanting.
And it hurts.
A twig cracks, a bush snaps into place, and then Jack is gone.
* * *
Sayid's plan is complex and complicated, but that's not really unexpected. His mind is fascinating. I like listening to him talk, like listening to him lay out his plans. He's a fucking genius and I love hanging around geniues.
And this one doesn't totally seem to hate me. Even agreed to let me be involved in his plans, which is even better. Yes, it was by process of elimination, but when I got there, he didn't treat me like I was his last choice.
Sayid is too big for something like that. And too focused. All he sees is the end result: get off the island. The fact that I've messed up in the past doesn't matter. All that matters is what I do in the future.
"Captain Falafel have some brilliant plan?" Sawyer asks, startling me from the doze I'd fallen into.
I blink and sit up. Sawyer is looming over me, and my heart starts pounding. I think Shannon has a point about who he reminds me of, and I don't appreciate being reminded of it. Now I'm uncomfortably aware of his resemblance to someone from my past.
"Yes," I say, and hope he goes away.
"Any help needed?"
"Not from you." His eyes darken, and I realize that was the wrong thing to say. Kate's already needling him, I don't need to as well. Especially since…
"Um, all I have to do is light a firework at five-thirty. And then flip a switch. So I'm good, man." And then, because I am a submissive bitch, I throw in a, "Thanks."
He smirks and is about to say something when Charlie explodes onto the beach. Even before he opens his mouth, I know it has something to do with Jack.
And then Charlie starts screaming about a cave-in, and for a moment, I think it's a test. Not Charlie isn't really upset, and I ... almost don't think that Jack would do something like this to me, but there's this part of me that...
Let's just say, my mind has been well and truly fucked with in the past, and I've known people who wouldn't hesitate to pretend that they were in trouble just to get a rise out of me. Just to make sure that I cared.
I go with the others to get him out, and through the dash through the jungle, I don't really believe this is real.
And then I see it. And I see the panic on the other's faces, and I believe.
But I still can't help but wonder if I'm being tested. Only, I don't think it's Jack who testing me anymore. I think maybe it's the island.
So I dig and I work, and wonder. And then, after Charlie gets caved in, I realize that it's not about me. None of this was about me, even thought it's Jack that's trapped. So much for ego, right? All of this was about Charlie. The island was giving him a chance to prove himself and help him find the inner strength to get over whatever drugs he was on. And I can see it when he and Jack emerge from the cave, the sort of peace on Charlie's face that shows he's there. In that space beyond needing to deaden the pain, in that place of self-acceptance and true joy. It's like Jack's a fucking miracle worker or something.
I wish I'd been trapped in the cave with him. I need that peace.
I stick around after, lingering just to see if Jack will notice me. I help clean up and I eat some of the food they have in the caves. I talk with people, drink water, borrow someone's deodorant after washing in some relatively clean water. I start to feel more human even though exhaustion is hanging off me heavily.
I'm about ready to leave when Jack leaves Charlie and approaches my shadow.
"Don't go tonight," Jack whispers to me. He maneuvers me out of site, behind the trees and into the dark night.
I start to pull away, but Jack grabs my hand. "Don't go." And his lips are on my neck, arms around my waist. He pushes me against a tree and I'm starting to wonder if he has a tree fetish. It seems like he's forever pushing me against one. "Stay with me."
"Jack, people will see us."
"People only see what they want to see." He bites my neck. "And maybe I don't care." Jack caressed my chin and looks at me through admiring eyes. Adoring eyes. I've never been looked at like this before.
I rub my eyes. "I don't want people to stop listening to you because of me. And what about Kate?"
"What about her?" He looks confused and loosely loops both arms around my waist. "You of all people should get that there isn't anything between the two of us."
"She thinks there is." I sigh and let my head rest against the tree. "You should have seen her, digging you out like a madwoman. After the second cave in, we were trying to catch our breath, and then she came. All she just started screaming at us and trying to dig you out all by herself."
"That was nice of her. But she also hadn't spent an hour trying to dig me out in the first place." He presses his lips into my forehead. "There's nothing between her and me."
"Kate doesn't know that. And it's not really fair to her. Leading her on like this."
Jack sighs and rests his head against my neck. "Yeah, you're right. I know that, but I don't know how to tell her. I like her, I do. She's comfortable and tough and very appealing. But she's not the right gender and she's not you."
I stroke his short hair, enjoying the feeling the spikiness of the buzzed locks. "So. About it being me." I hate myself for asking.
Jack kisses me and rests our foreheads together. "Yeah. Aren't I lucky that the one guy I know for certain is gay on this stupid island not only happens to be the most gorgeous man I've ever seen, but also happens to be perfect?"
"You don't know that I’m perfect." God, I'm maudlin right now. And morose and morbid. And exhausted.
"No, I don't. But we're starting a relationship, so allow me my delusions." He kisses me again and then pulls away. "Please. Let's just go sit down for awhile, you can close your eyes and get some rest." He kisses my cheek and starts pulling me back to the fire. "Kate can tell Shannon you're going to be awhile."
"Yeah, okay. But just for awhile."
Mike is still there with Walt. I hear Walt asking if they can stay, and it's so beautiful by the pool, I can see why. Charlie rejoins the group and sits next to Jack and me. He looks awful, but at peace. Kate agrees to take my message to Shannon, and when she's gone, I lie down. I don't put my head in his lap like I want to, but the top of my head presses against his thigh. As I doze, he reaches down and strokes my hair. I'm too tired to worry if anyone notices.
When Locke sits down, he catches my eye and gives me a knowing smile. I just blink tiredly at him and try to let it go. If he wants to make an issue of it, let him, but I can tell he won't. He's way too connected to the island to give a shit about sexuality.
And, late that night, after everyone is asleep, Jack pulls me into his shelter and into his embrace. I figure he wants sex, and even though I have a million questions (is he clean, do we have condoms, is there anything on this island that'll pass for lube), I just close my eyes and wait for him to start. Because I do want him and have since I got over the first wave of my shock and it'd be nice to feel again. And I think I can trust him; he is a hero, after all.
I close my eyes and wait, feeling his hand creep underneath my shirt again, stroking my stomach. It feels good, and I start to relax. Sort of.
I wait. And then his hand slips beneath the waistband of my jeans and...
Stays. And then
Jack starts snoring. It's soft, and his warm breath brushes against the back of my neck. His hand is still beneath my waistband, his leg is somehow wedged between mind, and he holds me gently.
Sleeping.
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and close my eyes. Apparently, Jack really is one of the good guys. He wants me to sleep and he means it.
I should probably try. For him.
Snuggling back against him, I close my eyes and try to block out everything. Sleep is, as ever, elusive, but, safe and warm with this strange man I'm so strongly connected with, I do find peace.
And, for the first time in years, I start to think that maybe--maybe--I'll be able to heal.
Fin
Oh, and I called a psychologist today. The first one was really worried about me and had to refer me out because she wants me to see someone ASAP and she coudln't see me until next week. The problem is, no one can see me. She actually called me again during Lost and said I should call another psychologist in her suite who might be able to see me. So, I'll call her tomorrow and hope she's not taking the day off.
I'm dizzy.
The answer? Pretty badly. Oh, well, this'll be more interesteing.
I really liked Lost. And now, I have tomorrow off, so I can watch SV without rush.
Is there anyone who's free to beta this Lost fic? It's the expanded version of the one from the other day, and I think it's done. it just needs a beta.
of course, since I seem to have one reader, maybe I'll just post them here and not worry about anywhere else.
Title: Bug
Pairing: Jack/Boone
Spoilers: The Moth
Rating: PG
Summary: I feel pinned, like a bug under a microscope. I know where I want to be, where I think I should go, but I'm too busy being examined from every angle and found, as always, wanting.
"Should you be swimming?" Shannon asks as she wades up besides me. "You know what happened last time."
I sigh and shoot her a look, too tired and too unfocused to muster up any kind of come-back. "I think I'll be fine, Shannon," I say instead. "My feet are still touching the sand. I think I'll be fine."
"Well, you never know with this place," she says, and, God, can she make anything sound really, *really* bitchy, even something against the island.
And, currently, I'm pissed at the island, so bring it on and all that, but her comment still rankles and I want to snap at her. But, underneath her comment, I can also hear the... fear or whatever that prompted her to say it. Because, yeah, I may have just been a lifeguard at a water park, but I spend a lot of time at the ocean back home and I know how the ocean moves. Almost drowning the other day had been a complete surprise; I'm still not exactly sure what happened. One minute, I'd been swimming fine and the next, I was sucked straight *down*.
Rip tides don't do that. Neither do undertows. And animal might, maybe, yank you down, and, yeah, there was something tugging on my legs, but there were no bite marks. There was just this tug and I was down. And it held me there until I was too tired to struggle back up until finally Jack came.
Of course, I haven't told anyone this. First off, it sounds crazy. Second, I'm not entirely sure it's what happened. I mean, I *think* I’m right, but I could have created this mystically weird scenario to help myself save face.
I probably just got caught in an undertow and fucked up completely.
"Are you going to get out of the water? Jesus Christ, do you have a death wish or something?"
I bend over and dunk my head. It's a hot day and I've been sticky with sweat since the sun came up. I also smell, and it occurred to me that I probably smelled last night when I was with Jack. I mean, yeah, we're all sort of starting to smell, except for Sawyer, and that's just because he's got the mother load of deodorant hidden up his ass or something. And Shannon doesn't smell because that would be illegal.
I wonder where she got her deodorant.
I wonder if Jack was turned off.
"Boone!"
"Calm down," I tell her, and I really wish she'd stop screaming. I barely slept last night, and I'm starting to get a headache from fatigue. "I’m not going to drown."
A high pitch whistle sounds from behind us. Shannon looks and then rolls her eyes, jaw tightening in frustration. "That guy is such a jerk. Ewe. You know, he actually said that if I wanted a can of bug spray, I'd have to sleep with him. As *if*!" she shouts back over her shoulder.
I look back. To my utter lack of surprise, Sawyer is standing at the shore, smirking at us. "Looking mighty fine out there," he calls, voice carrying easily on the wind. "You know, I found a nice, secluded bay just a few miles down."
I gape at him when his eyes meet mine.
His smirk widens. "It's an awfully hot day to be wearing all those clothes. Why don't you give us all a show?"
"Dream on, pig!" Shannon shouts. She tosses her hair and throws her hip in such a way that her skirt flies up and you can see her thong. That takes talent.
Sawyer's eyes are lingering on my skin uncomfortably. I turn away from him and swallow. Why the hell is he looking at me? There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Sawyer is straight. I don’t even think he's conditionally gay. Especially not since I'm standing next to a girl who'd so obviously fuck him in a heartbeat (or a few; Shannon isn't so choosy when she's horny, but when she's not, she's a very talented cocktease. Not that I know from experience or anything because, again, ewe.)
"Does he remind you of R.J.?" she asks suddenly. "Because he reminds me of him, and if you start mooning over him, I'll kill you." And then she turns around and slogs out of the water.
I turn and watch her go. As she passes Sawyer, she gives him her patented sultry, go-fuck-yourself look and rubs water from her legs.
He watches her appreciatively, gets an insult in response, and then turns back to me.
"You were gone awhile last night, pretty boy. Find somethin' interesting in the big, bad jungle?"
I sigh and pour water some more water on my head. I don't want to get out of the water, but I’m uncomfortable standing there while Sawyer watches me. Since he seems to like to plop down in front of anything that he finds entertaining without moving, it makes most sense for me to move and get out of his line of site. So, after rubbing my neck, I turn and trudge back to shore. I'm steeling myself to walk past this man, trying to anticipate what he was going to say, when, suddenly, none of it matters anymore. As I pass Sawyer, Jack appears over the rise, a bag slung over his shoulder. His eyes find mine right away, and he grins.
At me.
I can't help but return the grin. It's absolutely infectious. "Hey," I say, Sawyer disappearing in the haze of happiness. "What are you doing here? I thought you moved."
He rolls his eyes at me and then shoots a look at Sawyer. "I came for my stuff," he says. Jack doesn't touch me when we come together, but I feel him just the same. It's weird, and no, it's not some mystical island crap or anything. I just... respond to him in a way I've never responded to anyone before. "I left things in the shelter I was using," Jack tells me. His fingers lightly and casually brush against my thigh. "I figure that I should get them sooner or later. You know." Jack looks at Sawyer, a tight smile on his face. "Just in case someone gets the idea they can take my belongings."
For a second, I almost think he's talking about me. But that's stupid.
Sawyer sort of snorts. "And when you're gone, that prime piece of beachside property is gonna be free, right?"
"Have at it." He turns back to me. "Want to help?"
I want to, but I don't think I'll be able to keep my hands off of him. Besides; I still smell.
I pull on my shirt and say, "I haven't had anything to eat today. I'll catch up with you later, okay?" I expect him to yell or get mad, or even look rejected, but he just nods and gives me another one of those smiles that I'm beginning to adore.
"Sure. Just make sure we hook up before I head back in. I need to make sure someone's looking out for the group the way I want them to."
And now we have the perfect excuse to touch. We clasp hands as I tell him, "Sure thing, man," and sort of hold for a minute. In a manly way, of course. And if he trails his finger tips over my palm as we release, well, Sawyer's far enough away that he won't notice.
I go back to the shelter I share with Shannon and get some food. She's hoarding it, but it's really not like we're running out again. Locke seems to be happy playing hunter and one of these days, the island has to throw us some kind of fruit tree or something. It *is* a tropical island, after all.
And I don't eat a lot.
As I make my way into the jungle for some shade and to get away from the ever-present sound of the waves, I see Kate over with Jack and Sawyer in Jack's old shelter. She doesn't look happy, and Jack isn't exactly pleased himself.
I miss Pepsi. I don't know why I'm thinking about that right now, when the guy I was making out with is in a passionate discussing with the girl who'd gladly go down on him, but I'm exhausted and hungry and really, *really* would like a syrupy, sugary caffeine fix.
Jack doesn't stay long. I knew he wouldn't. After he clears out his shelter, he starts on the infirmary. I know he's not taking all the medication, and before I disappear into the jungle, I see him drop a bag off in my shelter. Then, I'm gone, lost in the trees, trying to anticipate where he's going so I can be waiting for him when he gets there.
I have good timing. I just step behind a tree to wait when Jack comes, breaking a path through the underbrush.
"She's falling in love with you, you know," I say as he passes my tree.
He stops and that goofy smile breaks out over his face. The bag drops onto the floor and he turns towards the sound of my voice, and a ray of light breaks through the trees and falls on his face and I realize that I'm really, really lucky. That smile is all for me, and it's not because of the news I just gave him. He's just that happy that I exist.
Even though it has occurred to me many times over the past eight days that I really don't exist anymore. That none of us exist anymore.
"What are you skulking out here for?" Jack asks. He takes a step forward, but I can't bear to watch him leave the light, so I go to him. His arms go around my waist and his lips press into my neck and I think that this is suddenly all too easy.
"Waiting for you," I tell him. I let him push me back against the tree, his hand creeping underneath my shirt.
"I went to your tent, but you weren't there." He kisses my neck in a spot that makes me shiver. "I left you some medical supplies in your tent. You're the one I trust most to use them."
"You sure you want to?" I murmur in his ear. My lips brush over the lobe and I stroke the soft skin behind it. "I don't have a good track record. Why not give them to Sayid or Kate?"
"Because Sayid is too busy trying to find a way off the island and Kate doesn't want the responsibility. And I want you to keep them."
I sigh and kiss down the side of his face. "Careful, Jack, okay? You don't want people getting ideas."
His thumb strokes down the nape of my neck. "First of all, I don't see that there's anything in my actions that will give people ideas. You were a lifeguard, you're responsible, and you want to help people. No one else seems interested in taking that role. And, besides, if you ever have any questions, I know a doctor who's willing to give you some private tutoring." And his grabs my ass. "I'm not willing to do that for anyone else."
My ass feels like it's on fire; I push back against his hand, my stomach clenching. "It's just that...''
"You're afraid Kate's going to find out that I'm gay and then take it out on you."
I sigh and rest my head against the tree. "Yeah."
"Boone, even if it does happen, she'll deal with it. I more worried about Sawyer. He's frightening, quite frankly, and I'm afraid that when he finds out that he's been living with men who actually sleep with each other, he won't be able to control his violent impulses." He caressed my cheeks with his knuckles. "Don't worry about Kate."
"It's just that... She'd be upset in any case, but, I mean. It's me."
He frowns at that, but doesn't say anything. I'm glad he doesn't. I mean, since we crashed, I've been nothing but a fuck up. And when I fuck up, I do it in big ways. I mean, Charlie isn't exactly the most productive member of the strange sort of mini-community that's been created in the past few days, but at least he comes off as mostly harmless. He's cute and he's eager and he has those huge puppy-dog eyes. He helps when needed, is friendly to everyone, and kind of endears himself to you.
But he doesn't do anything big. Not like me. Me? I try to save Rose's life and mess up, I try to save the swimmer and get sucked into a vortex, and I try to protect the water and end up stealing it.
And the worst thing is, there's a part of me that knows that it's not me. I mean, I'm not screwing up on my own. It's the island. It doesn't want me to save anyone, doesn't want me to be the hero. It already chose Jack, so when I go out on too far a limb, it cuts the tree from under me.
I'm not the hero, not the leader, and not in charge. Everything I've ever known about myself is gone. Which is, actually, nothing new.
Sometimes, I feel I've been going for years without an identity. Before I came here, I finally, *finally* had felt as if I was getting somewhere. Finding something out about myself and, well, finding out who I was again, and now...
If it hadn't been the phone call before I left Australia that took it away, it would have been the island.
"You're right," he says, and it's like my world ends. "I don’t want to tell her. I do want to avoid the issue. But. It has nothing to do with you, Boone. I *hate* having to explain my sexuality to people. I especially hate it when I meet a woman that I feel a connection with."
"And you have a connection with her."
He nodded. "It's not just Kate, though. All my life, I've met women that I really gel with. I'm not in love with them, I don't want to sleep with them, but there's something there. And I think there's something there with Kate."
"But it's not the same as this." And I'm not seeking reassurance. Really.
He just shakes his head and kisses me. "No, it's not." He kisses me again, and it's like liquid flowing through me. His hands run over my face and around my neck. They stay there, just holding me, thumbs stroking over my Adam's apple.
I tense for a moment. The situation is way too familiar. Then, his hands slide down my body and really ruck up my shirt, and the moment is gone. It's gone, and I'm on fire. The island is too hot, the air is heavy on my skin, and his hips just rock into mind intently.
"I still can't believe all this," he whispers. Jack bites my lower lip and I moan. "You're so beautiful. I guy like you would never look twice at someone like me in real life."
And, I can't help it. I just, freeze. Completely. My eyes close and I stiffen and I draw away.
Jack stops, his fingers inches away from my nipple, and pulls back. "Boone?"
I feel the island sort of roll though me, half amused, half challenging.
"Is something wrong?"
I search frantically for something to say. My heart is pounding out of control now, and the sweat that makes my skin sticky isn't because of the heat or passion. It's sickly. And I feel like I’m going to throw up.
I should tell him. Confess what he's getting. Start this relationship with no secrets or shame, and I opened my mouth to say it, but "I'm really tired," is what comes out.
It tastes like failure.
"Did you sleep last night?" He touches my face with the back of his hand, looking concerned.
"I haven't... really. At all," I admit, relieved that he bought it. "I’m just... it seems like every time I drift off, something snaps me back awake. Like she doesn't want me to sleep."
His frown deepens. "Your sister?"
"No, the island."
"You just said she," he tells me.
I hadn't realized I'd assigned a gender to the island. God, I really am going crazy.
My head falls forward onto his shoulder. "I want to go home," I whisper, and it hurts to admit. Especially considering what I have to go back to.
Jack rubs my neck and holds me tightly. "Come to the caves with me," he whispers. His lips brush over my temple. "We've got water and shelter. You can't hear the ocean, and we can go somewhere and be alone. I'll stay while you sleep and I won't let anything disturb you. You can rest. And then, if you want, you can come back here to Shannon."
I want to. God, I want to so badly. The idea of going into the jungle, away from the ever present sound of waves crashing against the shore which I haven’t learned to block out yet, away from the every present sun that beats down and heats the sand, and the sand that sticks to everything, and away from Sawyer's smirks and anger and ever-present threat of violence. Away from Kate, who wants what's mine, and away from Sayid who can't admit that we can't be rescued because we don't exist anymore, away....
I want to. Want to rest. Want to sleep. But...
The island threatens disaster if I do. I can feel it. Every inch of the traitorous body that's surrendered to the island without asking my say-so warns me that if I go with him, *something* will happen.
Reluctantly, I pull away. "I can't. I'm one of the only ones left that knows about the French woman, and Sayid asked me if I'd meet with him and Kate later about some... plan." I smile wearily. "But I promise. Soon."
"You have to take care of yourself, Boone," Jack tells me. "You can't keep running until there's nothing left. There's too much to do right now, and too many people to take over for any one of us to take on too much of the burden. Let it go. Even if we are rescued, they won't come for awhile, and we have to start taking care of our survival needs now. Sleep is one of them."
I want to cry. I don't know what the island wants from me, and I can feel her disapproval at the idea of us being rescued, and I don’t know if I want to go home, but...
"I just want to sleep," I said, closing my eyes. "She won't let me, and until she does, I have to keep busy."
Jack kisses me, and then rests his forehead against my own. "I understand, Boone. But if you don't sleep by tomorrow, fuck what the bitch wants and come sleep with me. You're no good to anyone, not even her, if you're dead." He kisses me again and pulls away. "I'll talk to you soon."
I don't move from the tree as I watch Jack pick up his belongings and walk away. I feel pinned, like a bug under a microscope. I know where I want to be, where I think I should go, but I'm too busy being examined from every angle and found, as always, wanting.
And it hurts.
A twig cracks, a bush snaps into place, and then Jack is gone.
* * *
Sayid's plan is complex and complicated, but that's not really unexpected. His mind is fascinating. I like listening to him talk, like listening to him lay out his plans. He's a fucking genius and I love hanging around geniues.
And this one doesn't totally seem to hate me. Even agreed to let me be involved in his plans, which is even better. Yes, it was by process of elimination, but when I got there, he didn't treat me like I was his last choice.
Sayid is too big for something like that. And too focused. All he sees is the end result: get off the island. The fact that I've messed up in the past doesn't matter. All that matters is what I do in the future.
"Captain Falafel have some brilliant plan?" Sawyer asks, startling me from the doze I'd fallen into.
I blink and sit up. Sawyer is looming over me, and my heart starts pounding. I think Shannon has a point about who he reminds me of, and I don't appreciate being reminded of it. Now I'm uncomfortably aware of his resemblance to someone from my past.
"Yes," I say, and hope he goes away.
"Any help needed?"
"Not from you." His eyes darken, and I realize that was the wrong thing to say. Kate's already needling him, I don't need to as well. Especially since…
"Um, all I have to do is light a firework at five-thirty. And then flip a switch. So I'm good, man." And then, because I am a submissive bitch, I throw in a, "Thanks."
He smirks and is about to say something when Charlie explodes onto the beach. Even before he opens his mouth, I know it has something to do with Jack.
And then Charlie starts screaming about a cave-in, and for a moment, I think it's a test. Not Charlie isn't really upset, and I ... almost don't think that Jack would do something like this to me, but there's this part of me that...
Let's just say, my mind has been well and truly fucked with in the past, and I've known people who wouldn't hesitate to pretend that they were in trouble just to get a rise out of me. Just to make sure that I cared.
I go with the others to get him out, and through the dash through the jungle, I don't really believe this is real.
And then I see it. And I see the panic on the other's faces, and I believe.
But I still can't help but wonder if I'm being tested. Only, I don't think it's Jack who testing me anymore. I think maybe it's the island.
So I dig and I work, and wonder. And then, after Charlie gets caved in, I realize that it's not about me. None of this was about me, even thought it's Jack that's trapped. So much for ego, right? All of this was about Charlie. The island was giving him a chance to prove himself and help him find the inner strength to get over whatever drugs he was on. And I can see it when he and Jack emerge from the cave, the sort of peace on Charlie's face that shows he's there. In that space beyond needing to deaden the pain, in that place of self-acceptance and true joy. It's like Jack's a fucking miracle worker or something.
I wish I'd been trapped in the cave with him. I need that peace.
I stick around after, lingering just to see if Jack will notice me. I help clean up and I eat some of the food they have in the caves. I talk with people, drink water, borrow someone's deodorant after washing in some relatively clean water. I start to feel more human even though exhaustion is hanging off me heavily.
I'm about ready to leave when Jack leaves Charlie and approaches my shadow.
"Don't go tonight," Jack whispers to me. He maneuvers me out of site, behind the trees and into the dark night.
I start to pull away, but Jack grabs my hand. "Don't go." And his lips are on my neck, arms around my waist. He pushes me against a tree and I'm starting to wonder if he has a tree fetish. It seems like he's forever pushing me against one. "Stay with me."
"Jack, people will see us."
"People only see what they want to see." He bites my neck. "And maybe I don't care." Jack caressed my chin and looks at me through admiring eyes. Adoring eyes. I've never been looked at like this before.
I rub my eyes. "I don't want people to stop listening to you because of me. And what about Kate?"
"What about her?" He looks confused and loosely loops both arms around my waist. "You of all people should get that there isn't anything between the two of us."
"She thinks there is." I sigh and let my head rest against the tree. "You should have seen her, digging you out like a madwoman. After the second cave in, we were trying to catch our breath, and then she came. All she just started screaming at us and trying to dig you out all by herself."
"That was nice of her. But she also hadn't spent an hour trying to dig me out in the first place." He presses his lips into my forehead. "There's nothing between her and me."
"Kate doesn't know that. And it's not really fair to her. Leading her on like this."
Jack sighs and rests his head against my neck. "Yeah, you're right. I know that, but I don't know how to tell her. I like her, I do. She's comfortable and tough and very appealing. But she's not the right gender and she's not you."
I stroke his short hair, enjoying the feeling the spikiness of the buzzed locks. "So. About it being me." I hate myself for asking.
Jack kisses me and rests our foreheads together. "Yeah. Aren't I lucky that the one guy I know for certain is gay on this stupid island not only happens to be the most gorgeous man I've ever seen, but also happens to be perfect?"
"You don't know that I’m perfect." God, I'm maudlin right now. And morose and morbid. And exhausted.
"No, I don't. But we're starting a relationship, so allow me my delusions." He kisses me again and then pulls away. "Please. Let's just go sit down for awhile, you can close your eyes and get some rest." He kisses my cheek and starts pulling me back to the fire. "Kate can tell Shannon you're going to be awhile."
"Yeah, okay. But just for awhile."
Mike is still there with Walt. I hear Walt asking if they can stay, and it's so beautiful by the pool, I can see why. Charlie rejoins the group and sits next to Jack and me. He looks awful, but at peace. Kate agrees to take my message to Shannon, and when she's gone, I lie down. I don't put my head in his lap like I want to, but the top of my head presses against his thigh. As I doze, he reaches down and strokes my hair. I'm too tired to worry if anyone notices.
When Locke sits down, he catches my eye and gives me a knowing smile. I just blink tiredly at him and try to let it go. If he wants to make an issue of it, let him, but I can tell he won't. He's way too connected to the island to give a shit about sexuality.
And, late that night, after everyone is asleep, Jack pulls me into his shelter and into his embrace. I figure he wants sex, and even though I have a million questions (is he clean, do we have condoms, is there anything on this island that'll pass for lube), I just close my eyes and wait for him to start. Because I do want him and have since I got over the first wave of my shock and it'd be nice to feel again. And I think I can trust him; he is a hero, after all.
I close my eyes and wait, feeling his hand creep underneath my shirt again, stroking my stomach. It feels good, and I start to relax. Sort of.
I wait. And then his hand slips beneath the waistband of my jeans and...
Stays. And then
Jack starts snoring. It's soft, and his warm breath brushes against the back of my neck. His hand is still beneath my waistband, his leg is somehow wedged between mind, and he holds me gently.
Sleeping.
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and close my eyes. Apparently, Jack really is one of the good guys. He wants me to sleep and he means it.
I should probably try. For him.
Snuggling back against him, I close my eyes and try to block out everything. Sleep is, as ever, elusive, but, safe and warm with this strange man I'm so strongly connected with, I do find peace.
And, for the first time in years, I start to think that maybe--maybe--I'll be able to heal.
Fin
Oh, and I called a psychologist today. The first one was really worried about me and had to refer me out because she wants me to see someone ASAP and she coudln't see me until next week. The problem is, no one can see me. She actually called me again during Lost and said I should call another psychologist in her suite who might be able to see me. So, I'll call her tomorrow and hope she's not taking the day off.
I'm dizzy.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-11-10 11:16 pm (UTC)I watched my first episode of Lost today.
I'm in loooooove.
So I got a third fandom.
And you're writing in it too! OMG! I'm in heaven! *giggles* Loved the fic. A lot. Especially the snuggling at the end. *happy sigh*
I really hope the psychologist thing works out for you honey. *snuggles* I'll keep my fingers crossed.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-11 09:17 am (UTC)*huggles you back*
Isn't Lost fantastic? And to think I was underwhelmed when I first saw it at Comic Con. Boy, was I stupid. :P
And you're writing in it too! OMG! I'm in heaven! *giggles* Loved the fic. A lot. Especially the snuggling at the end. *happy sigh*
Yes, I'm writing! And chance I get to write Ian I take. :P You know this is a sequel, right? here's the first one. It's called "Bridge"
Thanks for the crossed fingers on the psyc. I hope it works, too.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-11 10:01 am (UTC)I didn't know it was a sequel! Squeee! I remembered you writing a Lost fic before, but since I wasn't interested in the show or anything, I just didn't read it. But I'm reading it now. :-) Feedback will follow. :-)
*bounce*
*snooooogles*
Do you know if there's a site where I can get transcripts of the show? I still missed all the first episodes, so I'd need to catch up... Because there is some stuff I don't really understand.
Oh! And what happened last week in SV?? I didn't change the clock on my tv, so I taped Nanny 911 instead of SV. *bangs head on desk* I have this week's on tape, but like you, I haven't watched it yet.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-11 10:29 am (UTC)So that's another COTW style series, isn't it? Because that would really make me happy. And then I can start making Jack/Boone icons for you. :-)
*bounce* I want more. ;-)
*snuggles*
no subject
Date: 2004-11-12 11:16 pm (UTC)Oh, God, who has the time??? *Sigh* Fine. :P
And then I can start making Jack/Boone icons for you.
Yay!
no subject
Date: 2004-11-13 03:14 pm (UTC)I don't know where there are transcripts of Lost. I need to find them, becuase I can't keep watchign the ep. over and over again. I found out with SV that it doesn't work.
I really didn't pay attention to "Jinx," on SV. The only thing I can tell you is that tehre was a fantastic montage of Clark getting ready to go out to the football game set to Green Day's "Boulvard of Broken Dreams," and ... that's it. I'll try to remember and tell you better, but maybe you should read someone's recaps. It might work better for you.
Sorry!
no subject
Date: 2004-11-13 05:43 pm (UTC)So that helped ME, but I don't think you'll be able to do much with them. I'm sorry. I'm still looking though, because I still don't know what happens in eps 5-7. I'll be sure to let you know if I find any in english, promise.
THANK YOU for the rec, I've saved it to read later when I don't have a paper to work on. Hehe. *snuggles* I've also found
I've got 31% of Jinx downloaded from BitTorrent already... it should be done by the time I go to bed, so I'll be able to watch it on Monday. I'd say tomorrow, but there's work and groceries and I've got that nasty paper to finish for Monday morning... But in any case, I'll be able to see it and then watch last week's and then I should be back on track for Wednesday. :-)
And because you said this WAS going to be a COTW style series, here's the first of many icons I'm sure I'll make for you. I had no idea what text to put on it, so I put your name, but if you want anything else, let me know and I'll do it happily.
I'm also, if you don't mind, gonna be using the base myself, as I'm completely lacking in the Lost icons department and I really like this one. :-)
no subject
Date: 2004-11-14 12:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-12 08:05 pm (UTC)Plus, not all homosexuals are fey and obvious. Some are, indeed, Jack-like. More are like Boone.
Keep writing these, too, and I'll read em. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-11-13 03:16 pm (UTC)Ah, no fic is complete until it has Henry's stamp of approval on it. Now I feel as if I've arrived. :)
Plus, not all homosexuals are fey and obvious. Some are, indeed, Jack-like. More are like Boone.
I think you're wrong. I think that in order to belong to the club, you have to be fey and obvious. And wear make-up. And prance instead of walk. And...
Oh. Wait, no. That's just Lex. *eg*
Keep writing these, too, and I'll read em. :)
Yay!!! And I promise there will be more COTW soon, too.