Why I need to be nicer to my mom always

[serafina20]

My mother takes my breath away sometimes. I mean, I complain and fight and get frustrated with her a lot. Like the last two days when she's been silent and sullen and I didn't know why. Only to find out that her backs been killing her. I always feel guilty when she's upset, and I don't know what I did wrong. And, today, because I could tell she was off, and my mind was too muddled to really connect that it was just her back doing, I thought that maybe she was mad at me for going out to a gay bar last night with lesbians and maybe being one myself.

It's not like I haven't told her I'm bi before, but because I hadn't ever been with a girl, not even kissed one, she ... didn't not believe, but she didn't know how I could know. And that's frustrating anyway. And she's really accepting and open and everything, but there's always that it's okay for other people to be gay, I want my kids to be normal.

But she doesn't want me to be "normal". She wants me to be happy. And when somehow everything dissolved into tears before we went out to dinner, she told me that she really hopes this all works out for me because I seem really happy right now and she wants me to be happy.

And then she was crying when she said it and I just ... I've spent so much time being so miserable about my life and my friends and not fitting in, and now I feel I found a niche where I might fit and I'm glad I don't have to, like, fight with my parents to be who I am. For some reason, I got really, *really* lucky.

And now I'm crying again. Crap.

Comments

[goth-clark.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight*

Re:

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hugs back*

[mayphoenix.livejournal.com]

You did get lucky, honey, and I hope you DO find happiness. Take it from someone whose family pretty much turned on her when she came out. My mother is nuts (seriously) and she seems to be okay with my sexuality but then she says things that make me think she's actually ashamed. My granny accepted immediately, saying "as long as you're happy, that's all that matters" and hugged my partner -- her way of accepting. My sister has bi tendencies but prefers men; she's married now and she's monogamous to her husband, and they accept me (my brother-in-law introduces my partner as my "esposa" -- my wife -- to his family).

When we compromise our happiness for the close-mindedness of others, we do ourselves a serious injustice. Be yourself. Love who you want to love. If people can't handle that, if they can't accept it, then it's not YOUR problem. It's THEIRS.

*HUGS*

Re:

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your reply. Sorry I took so long to answer.

I'm sorry you've had a rough time of it. Sometimes I feel guilty that my mom seems so accepting. Like I don't quite deserve it and, worse, that other people have had such a hard time and I didn't. Or haven't; it could change. I'll see what happens when I get a girlfriend.

Love who you want to love.

I promise I will. Thanks!!!

[nerodi.livejournal.com]

hi serafina, i just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. sorry you are sad!

Re:

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the birthday wishes! I wasn't sad, though. Just ... grateful.

[nasrani.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: Parents can be the best of things sometimes.