Fic: Illusions We've Shed
Nov. 20th, 2006 05:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafina20Title Illusions We've Shed
Author![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
serafina20
Series Inevitable
Rating Mature
Pairing Mahone/OMC ("Billy"), Mahone/Michael, Mahone/Pam
Summary Pam and Alexander's relationship, then and now.
Notes This takes place very soon after Act of Desperation which, in the show timeline, would probably take place sometimes after "Bolshoi Booze" or "Disconnected" (but written without having seen either). It sort of exists outside of the show, an AU since Michael never called Alexander in this series. Titles comes from "Lancelot" by Dave Carter and Tracey Gram.
She doesn't know what she's doing. No. She knows what she's doing. She's doing something incredibly stupid. No matter how much she loves the man, Pam hadn't been lying when she'd told Agent Merrick that Alex scared her. He was just so unpredictable. Angry. Violent. He never had hurt her or Cameron, but he'd come so close.
And yet, here she was. Against her better judgment, she was here. On the porch of the house they'd once shared. The only thing he'd asked for in the divorce was the house. He'd agreed to pay any amount of alimony, give her anything she wanted. But he needed the house.
There hadn't been much point in refusing, even though she'd wanted to. What had happened between them pissed her off to no end. There marriage had been nearly as perfect as a marriage could be. She'd been happy, and he took that all away without any explanation. She'd wanted a fight. Wanted to refuse him the one thing he wanted, since he was refusing her the same.
But her lawyer, her mother, and all her friends had talked her out of it. And she had been frightened of what he might do should she not capitulate. So, she did, even though it felt like pouring salt on the wound.
Pam inhaled deeply. Let out a slow breath. She didn't want to do this. Didn't want to see him. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough. If he hadn't called... if he hadn't sounded so desperate, so sad...
Beneath all her anger, she still loved him. She couldn't ignore his cry of distress.
She rang the bell.
The door opened.
Pam blinked at the boy standing in her house. He'd clearly just recently got out of bed. The pajamas under his robe were still rumpled, sleep lines on his cheek, sleep crusted in the corners of his absolutely gorgeous eyes.
His eyes narrowed. He looked her over slowly. Full lower lips pulled into a pout. "What are you doing here?"
"I... I came to see Alex. Is he home?"
"Yeah. He's in the shower." He licked his lower lip.
"I'm sorry, who are you?"
"My name's Billy."
"I'm Pam. I'm..."
"You're the ex-wife. Yeah, I know." Billy sighed and moved away from the door. "Alex know you were coming? 'cause he didn't say nothing to me."
She shook her head and entered. "No, he didn't. He called me about two weeks ago, though. I was worried."
Billy shrugged as he closed the door. "He's all stressed cause of the case he's working on. You want coffee? I just put a pot on."
"Yes, thank you." Pam moved through her house as if in a dream. Everything was exactly the same. Nothing had been touched. Every bit of furniture was exactly where it had been, decorations and knick-knacks all where she'd left them.
A picture of her and Cam was on the table next to Alex's favorite chair. One of his word puzzles lay in front of it.
"You take sugar or anything?"
"One sugar and some cream, please." She went into the kitchen. Remembered how she and Alex had once had sex against the refrigerator Billy was currently digging through. Wondered if they'd done the same.
Billy fished out the cream. Poured it into a coffee cup and stirred. Then he handed it to her. "You staying long?" he asked, sounding every inch a jealous lover.
"Probably not. Thank you." She sipped the coffee. "So. You and Alex been together long?"
"No." He sighed. Rolled his eyes and, God, did Alex know how to pick them because this boy was beautiful. "We're not really together. I think. I don't know. He just called me, like, a week and a half ago. Asked me to come over. I've been hanging here ever since."
A week and a half ago. Very soon after he'd called her. And, according to what she heard on the radio, very soon after a couple of the convicts he was chasing disappeared.
Pam sipped her coffee, remembering how... passionate Alexander could be in bed when work frustrated him. He was a brilliant man. A very focused man. And when his focus at work failed to yield any results, he would turn his mind to other pursuits. And, damn if Pam hadn't appreciated those moments.
"How did you two meet?" she asked. It was awkward, being polite to this young man. The stranger currently sharing her ex-husband's bed. She hadn't been expecting him.
He hesitated. Turned to the coffee pot and poured himself a mug. "On a case. I was pulled in for questioning."
"Oh." That seemed unlike Alexander. He was nothing if professional.
Billy turned back. "It was a few years ago." As if that made it any better.
"How old are you?"
"Twenty."
Which meant he'd been a teenager when he'd met Alexander. Which was even less like the man she'd known.
She didn't know him anymore.
"You knew your husband was gay?" he asked. Bluntly.
"I knew he'd had experience with men, yes. Found them attractive. I don't believe he identifies as gay, though."
"Gay or not, he's fucking me now."
Quickly, Pam raised her coffee cup to her lips to hide her smile. God, he was so very young. Young and beautiful and completely smitten with her husband. Ex-husband, her mind quickly corrected.
And, despite the sting of jealousy she felt, imagining her husband and this boy, she couldn't help but like him. Because he was standing in her kitchen, making Alex coffee, looking beautiful, and looking at her like the enemy. Which meant he was threatened by her. Which meant he cared for Alex. Which meant he'd take care of Alex.
"Pam."
And there was the man himself. Standing on the other side of the breakfast bar, freshly showered. He must have the morning off; he never took a day off while on a chase, but sometimes took a few hours in the morning to rest. He was dressed fairly casually, in jeans that looked brand new and a blue sweater that brought out his eyes.
He looked gorgeous.
She smiled nervously. "Hi, Alex."
His eyes darted to Billy, then back to her. "What are you doing here?"
"I was worried. Your call..."
"Billy," Alex interrupted. "Can you give us some privacy?"
Billy glowered at her. "Yeah. Sure." He walked to Alex, slid an arm around his neck, and pulled him down for a kiss.
Alex resisted, but Billy was insistent. It was a short kiss, but Billy managed to make his point--don't touch, he's mine--quite well.
"Sorry about that," Alex said when Billy was gone. He was blushing.
Pam shook her head. "It's all right. He's a lovely young man."
Alex snorted.
"No, he really is." She moved into the living room and sat down in the chair that used to be hers. Alex had offered to give it to her when she left, but it was a matched set with his. There'd already been enough torn apart when they'd parted.
"He's young and he's a punk." Alex sat across from her. "But he's what I need right now."
"I think you're what he needs." She looked down at her coffee. "What's going on, Alex? You sounded so... I can't even describe it. Something was wrong when you called me."
He sighed. "Where's Cameron?"
"With my parents. Alex..."
"It was nothing," he said brusquely. "I was drunk. It was a stupid mistake, I shouldn't have called you. And you shouldn't have come."
"Alex..."
"We're divorced, Pam. That means you don't have the right to pry into my life."
"And I don't, Alex! But you called me. You initiated contact, and you sounded awful. I was worried."
"And I told you I was fine."
"I know when you're lying."
He got out of his chair and was over hers in a heartbeat. Hands on the arms, face in hers. His eyes blazed. "I want you out of my house. Now," he said, voice low and dangerous. "Tell me, Pam. Am I lying?"
Her heart leapt into her throat.
"Pam?"
"No," she forced out.
He pulled away. Stalked to the front door and ripped it open. "Out."
Pam got up, crossed the room. "Alex..."
"Get out. Go home. You're not wanted here."
"But..."
"What do you want from me?" he shouted.
"I want to know what's wrong! I want to know who the hell you are! One minute you're on the phone with me, practically in tears, and the next you're... you're this!"
Alex grabbed her by the arms and slammed her into the wall. "You want to know who I am? I am the man who is going to leave you on the porch and go fuck that twenty-year old boy into the mattress for the next two hours and never *once* think about you. *That's* who I am." He pulled her from the wall and shoved her out the front door. "I am also the man who is telling you not to *ever* come here again. Do you understand?"
She blinked back tears. Nodded. Wished to God she'd never come.
Alex closed the door.
Pam sank to the porch, trembling. Sick to her stomach, she leaned against the door and breathed. Tears flowed down her cheeks, unheeded.
She had no way of knowing that, on the other side, Alex was doing the exact same thing.
* * *
Four Years Later
The phone rang.
Alexander groaned. Reached blindly out for the nightstand through the curtains drawn around the bed. Fished until his hand closed around his cell phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, it's me. Did I wake you?" Pam said.
Alexander cracked open his eye and checked the time on his phone. It was nearly ten in the morning. "No. Yes." He closed his eye again. "Late night." They'd gone out on the boat again last night, this time to get a good view of a meteor shower. It'd been a rather amazing experience, especially when Michael had coaxed him into the water and they'd floated, side by side on their backs, gazing at the stars.
Incredibly romantic, too. When they'd gotten home, he and Michael had made love until nearly dawn. For a man who claimed to have a low sex drive, Michael had yet to demonstrate it.
"So," she said. "How are things for you?"
He opened his eyes. Michael was lying next to him, fast asleep, snuggled against his side. Alexander slipped his arm around Michael and kissed the top of his head. "Wonderful."
"Everything worked out, then?"
"Yes. Better than I hoped."
Pam was smiling, he could tell. "I'm so happy for you." And she genuinely meant it. He knew that. Just as he'd meant it when he gave her away at her wedding. When he'd given a speech at the reception. They'd come so far from where they'd been, largely due to the man currently in Alex's arms.
"How are things going with Roger?" he asked, caressing Michael's face.
"It's going very well."
"And Cam?"
"He was the lead in the school play. Got a blue ribbon in the science fair."
"Really?" He smiled.
She laughed. "Well. They all did. It was for participation. They are only in fourth grade; the school didn't want to promote competition just yet. Still. Cam put together one hell of a presentation."
Alex sighed. Rubbed Michael's arm. "I'm glad."
There was a moment's silence.
"Something up?" he asked, sensing there was a reason for the call, other than to touch base.
"Um, yes." She took a breath. "Roger and I are finishing up our summer vacation plans. We booked a cruise for later this month."
Alex frowned. "Oh?"
"One of the ports of call is the Panama Canal. We'll be spending the day there. I'd love it if you and," she hesitated. Stumbled over the name before pushing on. "I've love it if you could both be there. Spend the day with Cameron."
He sat up. "You'd do that? You don't mind?"
"You're his father. Cameron's too young to send to you alone. It's important, though, that he still has a relationship with his daddy."
"But, you don't mind if he meets..."
"Alex," Pam said quietly. "Why would I?"
He rubbed his eyes. "There are those who would have a problem."
"You love him. You trust him. That's enough for me." A smile crept into her voice. "Besides, I wouldn't mind seeing him again. This time, under her real name. And I want to make sure you're being taken care of."
Alex looked down at Michael. Ran his fingers through the dark, wavy hair. "I am. I'm just afraid....He's is very insecure."
"He's insecure?" she said, surprised.
"He already thinks I'm going to leave him. He's asked once when I'm going back to you."
"Oh," she sighed. "Did you explain I'm married?"
He shook his head. "It didn't seem to matter. He's built our relationship into some kind of epic fairy tale. True love that won't be denied."
"Funny. That's how I see the two of you."
Alex smiled. "And then there's Cameron. I don't know if he'd want anything to do with my kid."
"Really?" She sounded doubtful.
"I don't... know," he admitted.
"Well, then talk to him. You need to remember to talk, Alex. You're a wonderful lover, but sometimes you think you know everything and you don't."
"I know."
"I'm serious."
"I'll talk to him."
"Promise."
He smiled. "I promise."
"Good," she said, smile evident in her voice. "And, even if he decides not to come, I think you should. Cameron needs to know his daddy is still in his life."
"Pam. Thank you." He couldn't say anything else. Words could never express his gratitude. After all he'd done, all he'd put her through, for her to still allow him anywhere near their son. Near her.... "You're an amazing woman."
"Thank you." She cleared her throat. "I'll e-mail you all the details once we have the itinerary. You have the same e-mail?"
"Yes."
"Good." Another pause. Then, "I spoke to Billy yesterday."
Alex's stomach dropped. He swallowed. "Oh?"
"Yeah." Quite. Probing. Asking if he wanted more information.
He scrubbed at his face. "How is he?"
"Really well. Getting ready to go to medical school. He's looking for an apartment in Princeton right now. Asked if I could go with him next weekend."
He smiled, thinking of the punk kid Billy had been and the young man he was now. "God. Sometimes it's so hard to believe how far he's come." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Did he... mention me?"
"I mentioned you. He changed the subject," she said, sounding sympathetic.
"I'm not surprised."
"I told him you'd left the country, but he said he knew that."
"I called him before I left. Wished him well, said good-bye." Alex cleared his throat. "He was very cold. Did he say what he's going to do with the house?" Before he'd left, Alex had signed his house over to Billy. He no longer needed it, and it seemed the thing to do. Even with the body in the backyard.
"He's keeping it," she replied, which made him feel better. "He'll rent it out while he's at school."
Alex nodded. "Is he seeing anyone?"
"Dating casually, but no one serious."
He rubbed his face and sighed. "God. I haven't thought about him in days. I'm such an ass."
"Alex," Pam said in the tone she always used when she thought he was being an utter moron. "You put him through college. Got him a tutor when he had trouble, helped him yourself when you could. You gave him a place to stay, money for books. Hell, you gave him your house when you left. What more could anyone ask from you?"
"I took advantage of him. Led him on for years."
"You were honest about what you wanted out of that relationship. It was sex and companionship, nothing more. You did consider yourself friends with him."
"More than. I... trusted him. Enjoyed having him around." Alex stroked Michael's hair.
"Plus, he was exactly what you needed. Those people blackmailing you would never think you were serious about him, even though your relationship lasted, what? Four years? He was safe from them, and he was able to give you what you needed. It's not your fault that Billy wanted more. You were honest. He was..."
"Young."
Pam sighed in agreement. "He is young. And right now he's hurt. But he's moving on and, one day, he'll be able to talk to you again. Don't worry. And don't feel guilty."
He smiled wryly. "You ask the impossible."
"Only because I expect it from you."
Alex laughed.
Next to him, Michael stirred. Opened his eyes and looked up at Alex. "Morning," he mouthed. He pressed his face into Alex's chest and kissed him.
Alex lowered his head to kiss the top of Michael's. "I've got to go," he said into the phone. "Talk to you soon?"
"Of course. Love you."
"Love you, too." He closed the phone and set it on the nightstand. Then he slid down until he was nose and nose with Michael. "Morning, beautiful."
Michael rolled his eyes and kissed him. "Hey." He carefully ran his fingers over Alexander's hair. Over his face. Traced his cheekbones. Jaw. Lips, Michael's own eyes wide and wondering. He did this every morning on waking, explored Alexander's face as if he couldn't believe Alexander was still there. "Who was on the phone?" he asked, exploration over. "Pam?"
He nodded. Ran his fingers over Michael's eyebrows. "Yeah. She called to tell me that she, Roger, and Cameron are going on a cruise in a few weeks." He touched Michael's lips lightly. "They'll be at the canal one day."
"So you get to see your son." Michael stroked Alex's chest. "She's going to let you, right?"
"Of course. We talked about it before I left. He's too young to let him come down on his own, but she said she and Roger would find ways to get him here." Alexander licked his lips. "I was hoping you'd come and meet him, too."
He shook his head. "No. No, I wouldn't want to intrude."
"Pam wants you there. She thinks you should get to know Cameron. And she'd like to meet you, too."
Michael's reaction was immediate. His breathing hitched, then picked up pace. His face paled. Eyes widened in fear. Even his pupils dilated. "What?" He bolted upright. Twisted the blankets in his fists. "No. She couldn't. I mean... why? Why would she want that? Why would she want to meet me?"
Alex sat up. Put a soothing hand on Michael's shoulder. Rubbed. "Because she knows how much I love you."
Michael shook his head.
"Yes, I do. And she knows. She's known since you sent us to that hotel."
"But... but..."
"Michael." Alex took Michael by the chin and turned his head. "You're very important to me. My son is very important to me. I really want you to meet him. And how much I would like you to meet him. Both of them."
"I can't.... She'll hate me."
Alex shook his head. "Pam's a surprisingly understanding woman. She's good friends with the man I was seeing before I came here. And I like her husband. Pam and my marriage is over. Our romantic life is over, and now all we want is for the other to find happiness. She's found happiness with Roger. I've found it with you." He pressed a light kiss on Michael's lips. "She just wants to meet the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with."
"I don't know if I can. I'm... I don't know."
Alexander rested his forehead against Michael's. "If you really don't want to, I understand. And it's fine. But I need to see my son."
"Of course. I wouldn't stop you."
"Michael. Do you not want to meet him?"
He shook his head. "It's not that. It's not that I don't want to. But... I escaped from prison. I robbed a bank. I've done so many horrible things and I'm not a good person and I shouldn't be anywhere near him."
Alex couldn't help laughing. "Michael," he said as he did, "I buried a man in my backyard. I've killed men. Both men who've deserved to die and those who haven't." He pulled away. Took Michael's hand and caressed his knuckles. "I am not a good man, Michael. You? Are simply fallible. But you're one of the best men I know."
"Hence the pedestal."
"Exactly." He lifted Michael's hand to his mouth and kissed it. Then he kissed the inside of his wrist. "If you don't want to meet them, I understand. If you're scared to, then I will insist that you do this."
Michael licked his lips. Swallowed. His eyes shut, long lashes shielding the expressive blues. "If I meet her, and you see us together, you'll..."
"I'll what? Suddenly change my mind? Leave you for her?"
"You loved her for so long."
"And now, I'm with you. I'm in love with you. Not her. I love her, but the passion? The need to be with her every moment of the day?" He shook his head. "I am consumed by you, Michael. You are the one I have chosen." He kissed Michael. "Come meet her. See that she's nothing to worry about. Meet my son." Kissed him again. "Please?" And again. "Please?" Again. "Please?"
Michael sighed. Clutched him. "Okay," he whispered. "Okay, I'll meet them."
Alexander heard the sacrifice in his voice. The desire, the need to make Alexander happy. And because he didn't want Michael to feel the need to do things for him, he almost called it off.
Except... except he really wanted Michael to meet his son. And maybe it was a selfish desire, and maybe he should call it off. But he couldn't.
At least he wasn't asking Michael to give up his life, to break him out of prison. It was just one day.
And yet, the guilt wouldn't go away.
Fin
Author
serafina20Series Inevitable
Rating Mature
Pairing Mahone/OMC ("Billy"), Mahone/Michael, Mahone/Pam
Summary Pam and Alexander's relationship, then and now.
Notes This takes place very soon after Act of Desperation which, in the show timeline, would probably take place sometimes after "Bolshoi Booze" or "Disconnected" (but written without having seen either). It sort of exists outside of the show, an AU since Michael never called Alexander in this series. Titles comes from "Lancelot" by Dave Carter and Tracey Gram.
She doesn't know what she's doing. No. She knows what she's doing. She's doing something incredibly stupid. No matter how much she loves the man, Pam hadn't been lying when she'd told Agent Merrick that Alex scared her. He was just so unpredictable. Angry. Violent. He never had hurt her or Cameron, but he'd come so close.
And yet, here she was. Against her better judgment, she was here. On the porch of the house they'd once shared. The only thing he'd asked for in the divorce was the house. He'd agreed to pay any amount of alimony, give her anything she wanted. But he needed the house.
There hadn't been much point in refusing, even though she'd wanted to. What had happened between them pissed her off to no end. There marriage had been nearly as perfect as a marriage could be. She'd been happy, and he took that all away without any explanation. She'd wanted a fight. Wanted to refuse him the one thing he wanted, since he was refusing her the same.
But her lawyer, her mother, and all her friends had talked her out of it. And she had been frightened of what he might do should she not capitulate. So, she did, even though it felt like pouring salt on the wound.
Pam inhaled deeply. Let out a slow breath. She didn't want to do this. Didn't want to see him. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough. If he hadn't called... if he hadn't sounded so desperate, so sad...
Beneath all her anger, she still loved him. She couldn't ignore his cry of distress.
She rang the bell.
The door opened.
Pam blinked at the boy standing in her house. He'd clearly just recently got out of bed. The pajamas under his robe were still rumpled, sleep lines on his cheek, sleep crusted in the corners of his absolutely gorgeous eyes.
His eyes narrowed. He looked her over slowly. Full lower lips pulled into a pout. "What are you doing here?"
"I... I came to see Alex. Is he home?"
"Yeah. He's in the shower." He licked his lower lip.
"I'm sorry, who are you?"
"My name's Billy."
"I'm Pam. I'm..."
"You're the ex-wife. Yeah, I know." Billy sighed and moved away from the door. "Alex know you were coming? 'cause he didn't say nothing to me."
She shook her head and entered. "No, he didn't. He called me about two weeks ago, though. I was worried."
Billy shrugged as he closed the door. "He's all stressed cause of the case he's working on. You want coffee? I just put a pot on."
"Yes, thank you." Pam moved through her house as if in a dream. Everything was exactly the same. Nothing had been touched. Every bit of furniture was exactly where it had been, decorations and knick-knacks all where she'd left them.
A picture of her and Cam was on the table next to Alex's favorite chair. One of his word puzzles lay in front of it.
"You take sugar or anything?"
"One sugar and some cream, please." She went into the kitchen. Remembered how she and Alex had once had sex against the refrigerator Billy was currently digging through. Wondered if they'd done the same.
Billy fished out the cream. Poured it into a coffee cup and stirred. Then he handed it to her. "You staying long?" he asked, sounding every inch a jealous lover.
"Probably not. Thank you." She sipped the coffee. "So. You and Alex been together long?"
"No." He sighed. Rolled his eyes and, God, did Alex know how to pick them because this boy was beautiful. "We're not really together. I think. I don't know. He just called me, like, a week and a half ago. Asked me to come over. I've been hanging here ever since."
A week and a half ago. Very soon after he'd called her. And, according to what she heard on the radio, very soon after a couple of the convicts he was chasing disappeared.
Pam sipped her coffee, remembering how... passionate Alexander could be in bed when work frustrated him. He was a brilliant man. A very focused man. And when his focus at work failed to yield any results, he would turn his mind to other pursuits. And, damn if Pam hadn't appreciated those moments.
"How did you two meet?" she asked. It was awkward, being polite to this young man. The stranger currently sharing her ex-husband's bed. She hadn't been expecting him.
He hesitated. Turned to the coffee pot and poured himself a mug. "On a case. I was pulled in for questioning."
"Oh." That seemed unlike Alexander. He was nothing if professional.
Billy turned back. "It was a few years ago." As if that made it any better.
"How old are you?"
"Twenty."
Which meant he'd been a teenager when he'd met Alexander. Which was even less like the man she'd known.
She didn't know him anymore.
"You knew your husband was gay?" he asked. Bluntly.
"I knew he'd had experience with men, yes. Found them attractive. I don't believe he identifies as gay, though."
"Gay or not, he's fucking me now."
Quickly, Pam raised her coffee cup to her lips to hide her smile. God, he was so very young. Young and beautiful and completely smitten with her husband. Ex-husband, her mind quickly corrected.
And, despite the sting of jealousy she felt, imagining her husband and this boy, she couldn't help but like him. Because he was standing in her kitchen, making Alex coffee, looking beautiful, and looking at her like the enemy. Which meant he was threatened by her. Which meant he cared for Alex. Which meant he'd take care of Alex.
"Pam."
And there was the man himself. Standing on the other side of the breakfast bar, freshly showered. He must have the morning off; he never took a day off while on a chase, but sometimes took a few hours in the morning to rest. He was dressed fairly casually, in jeans that looked brand new and a blue sweater that brought out his eyes.
He looked gorgeous.
She smiled nervously. "Hi, Alex."
His eyes darted to Billy, then back to her. "What are you doing here?"
"I was worried. Your call..."
"Billy," Alex interrupted. "Can you give us some privacy?"
Billy glowered at her. "Yeah. Sure." He walked to Alex, slid an arm around his neck, and pulled him down for a kiss.
Alex resisted, but Billy was insistent. It was a short kiss, but Billy managed to make his point--don't touch, he's mine--quite well.
"Sorry about that," Alex said when Billy was gone. He was blushing.
Pam shook her head. "It's all right. He's a lovely young man."
Alex snorted.
"No, he really is." She moved into the living room and sat down in the chair that used to be hers. Alex had offered to give it to her when she left, but it was a matched set with his. There'd already been enough torn apart when they'd parted.
"He's young and he's a punk." Alex sat across from her. "But he's what I need right now."
"I think you're what he needs." She looked down at her coffee. "What's going on, Alex? You sounded so... I can't even describe it. Something was wrong when you called me."
He sighed. "Where's Cameron?"
"With my parents. Alex..."
"It was nothing," he said brusquely. "I was drunk. It was a stupid mistake, I shouldn't have called you. And you shouldn't have come."
"Alex..."
"We're divorced, Pam. That means you don't have the right to pry into my life."
"And I don't, Alex! But you called me. You initiated contact, and you sounded awful. I was worried."
"And I told you I was fine."
"I know when you're lying."
He got out of his chair and was over hers in a heartbeat. Hands on the arms, face in hers. His eyes blazed. "I want you out of my house. Now," he said, voice low and dangerous. "Tell me, Pam. Am I lying?"
Her heart leapt into her throat.
"Pam?"
"No," she forced out.
He pulled away. Stalked to the front door and ripped it open. "Out."
Pam got up, crossed the room. "Alex..."
"Get out. Go home. You're not wanted here."
"But..."
"What do you want from me?" he shouted.
"I want to know what's wrong! I want to know who the hell you are! One minute you're on the phone with me, practically in tears, and the next you're... you're this!"
Alex grabbed her by the arms and slammed her into the wall. "You want to know who I am? I am the man who is going to leave you on the porch and go fuck that twenty-year old boy into the mattress for the next two hours and never *once* think about you. *That's* who I am." He pulled her from the wall and shoved her out the front door. "I am also the man who is telling you not to *ever* come here again. Do you understand?"
She blinked back tears. Nodded. Wished to God she'd never come.
Alex closed the door.
Pam sank to the porch, trembling. Sick to her stomach, she leaned against the door and breathed. Tears flowed down her cheeks, unheeded.
She had no way of knowing that, on the other side, Alex was doing the exact same thing.
* * *
Four Years Later
The phone rang.
Alexander groaned. Reached blindly out for the nightstand through the curtains drawn around the bed. Fished until his hand closed around his cell phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, it's me. Did I wake you?" Pam said.
Alexander cracked open his eye and checked the time on his phone. It was nearly ten in the morning. "No. Yes." He closed his eye again. "Late night." They'd gone out on the boat again last night, this time to get a good view of a meteor shower. It'd been a rather amazing experience, especially when Michael had coaxed him into the water and they'd floated, side by side on their backs, gazing at the stars.
Incredibly romantic, too. When they'd gotten home, he and Michael had made love until nearly dawn. For a man who claimed to have a low sex drive, Michael had yet to demonstrate it.
"So," she said. "How are things for you?"
He opened his eyes. Michael was lying next to him, fast asleep, snuggled against his side. Alexander slipped his arm around Michael and kissed the top of his head. "Wonderful."
"Everything worked out, then?"
"Yes. Better than I hoped."
Pam was smiling, he could tell. "I'm so happy for you." And she genuinely meant it. He knew that. Just as he'd meant it when he gave her away at her wedding. When he'd given a speech at the reception. They'd come so far from where they'd been, largely due to the man currently in Alex's arms.
"How are things going with Roger?" he asked, caressing Michael's face.
"It's going very well."
"And Cam?"
"He was the lead in the school play. Got a blue ribbon in the science fair."
"Really?" He smiled.
She laughed. "Well. They all did. It was for participation. They are only in fourth grade; the school didn't want to promote competition just yet. Still. Cam put together one hell of a presentation."
Alex sighed. Rubbed Michael's arm. "I'm glad."
There was a moment's silence.
"Something up?" he asked, sensing there was a reason for the call, other than to touch base.
"Um, yes." She took a breath. "Roger and I are finishing up our summer vacation plans. We booked a cruise for later this month."
Alex frowned. "Oh?"
"One of the ports of call is the Panama Canal. We'll be spending the day there. I'd love it if you and," she hesitated. Stumbled over the name before pushing on. "I've love it if you could both be there. Spend the day with Cameron."
He sat up. "You'd do that? You don't mind?"
"You're his father. Cameron's too young to send to you alone. It's important, though, that he still has a relationship with his daddy."
"But, you don't mind if he meets..."
"Alex," Pam said quietly. "Why would I?"
He rubbed his eyes. "There are those who would have a problem."
"You love him. You trust him. That's enough for me." A smile crept into her voice. "Besides, I wouldn't mind seeing him again. This time, under her real name. And I want to make sure you're being taken care of."
Alex looked down at Michael. Ran his fingers through the dark, wavy hair. "I am. I'm just afraid....He's is very insecure."
"He's insecure?" she said, surprised.
"He already thinks I'm going to leave him. He's asked once when I'm going back to you."
"Oh," she sighed. "Did you explain I'm married?"
He shook his head. "It didn't seem to matter. He's built our relationship into some kind of epic fairy tale. True love that won't be denied."
"Funny. That's how I see the two of you."
Alex smiled. "And then there's Cameron. I don't know if he'd want anything to do with my kid."
"Really?" She sounded doubtful.
"I don't... know," he admitted.
"Well, then talk to him. You need to remember to talk, Alex. You're a wonderful lover, but sometimes you think you know everything and you don't."
"I know."
"I'm serious."
"I'll talk to him."
"Promise."
He smiled. "I promise."
"Good," she said, smile evident in her voice. "And, even if he decides not to come, I think you should. Cameron needs to know his daddy is still in his life."
"Pam. Thank you." He couldn't say anything else. Words could never express his gratitude. After all he'd done, all he'd put her through, for her to still allow him anywhere near their son. Near her.... "You're an amazing woman."
"Thank you." She cleared her throat. "I'll e-mail you all the details once we have the itinerary. You have the same e-mail?"
"Yes."
"Good." Another pause. Then, "I spoke to Billy yesterday."
Alex's stomach dropped. He swallowed. "Oh?"
"Yeah." Quite. Probing. Asking if he wanted more information.
He scrubbed at his face. "How is he?"
"Really well. Getting ready to go to medical school. He's looking for an apartment in Princeton right now. Asked if I could go with him next weekend."
He smiled, thinking of the punk kid Billy had been and the young man he was now. "God. Sometimes it's so hard to believe how far he's come." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Did he... mention me?"
"I mentioned you. He changed the subject," she said, sounding sympathetic.
"I'm not surprised."
"I told him you'd left the country, but he said he knew that."
"I called him before I left. Wished him well, said good-bye." Alex cleared his throat. "He was very cold. Did he say what he's going to do with the house?" Before he'd left, Alex had signed his house over to Billy. He no longer needed it, and it seemed the thing to do. Even with the body in the backyard.
"He's keeping it," she replied, which made him feel better. "He'll rent it out while he's at school."
Alex nodded. "Is he seeing anyone?"
"Dating casually, but no one serious."
He rubbed his face and sighed. "God. I haven't thought about him in days. I'm such an ass."
"Alex," Pam said in the tone she always used when she thought he was being an utter moron. "You put him through college. Got him a tutor when he had trouble, helped him yourself when you could. You gave him a place to stay, money for books. Hell, you gave him your house when you left. What more could anyone ask from you?"
"I took advantage of him. Led him on for years."
"You were honest about what you wanted out of that relationship. It was sex and companionship, nothing more. You did consider yourself friends with him."
"More than. I... trusted him. Enjoyed having him around." Alex stroked Michael's hair.
"Plus, he was exactly what you needed. Those people blackmailing you would never think you were serious about him, even though your relationship lasted, what? Four years? He was safe from them, and he was able to give you what you needed. It's not your fault that Billy wanted more. You were honest. He was..."
"Young."
Pam sighed in agreement. "He is young. And right now he's hurt. But he's moving on and, one day, he'll be able to talk to you again. Don't worry. And don't feel guilty."
He smiled wryly. "You ask the impossible."
"Only because I expect it from you."
Alex laughed.
Next to him, Michael stirred. Opened his eyes and looked up at Alex. "Morning," he mouthed. He pressed his face into Alex's chest and kissed him.
Alex lowered his head to kiss the top of Michael's. "I've got to go," he said into the phone. "Talk to you soon?"
"Of course. Love you."
"Love you, too." He closed the phone and set it on the nightstand. Then he slid down until he was nose and nose with Michael. "Morning, beautiful."
Michael rolled his eyes and kissed him. "Hey." He carefully ran his fingers over Alexander's hair. Over his face. Traced his cheekbones. Jaw. Lips, Michael's own eyes wide and wondering. He did this every morning on waking, explored Alexander's face as if he couldn't believe Alexander was still there. "Who was on the phone?" he asked, exploration over. "Pam?"
He nodded. Ran his fingers over Michael's eyebrows. "Yeah. She called to tell me that she, Roger, and Cameron are going on a cruise in a few weeks." He touched Michael's lips lightly. "They'll be at the canal one day."
"So you get to see your son." Michael stroked Alex's chest. "She's going to let you, right?"
"Of course. We talked about it before I left. He's too young to let him come down on his own, but she said she and Roger would find ways to get him here." Alexander licked his lips. "I was hoping you'd come and meet him, too."
He shook his head. "No. No, I wouldn't want to intrude."
"Pam wants you there. She thinks you should get to know Cameron. And she'd like to meet you, too."
Michael's reaction was immediate. His breathing hitched, then picked up pace. His face paled. Eyes widened in fear. Even his pupils dilated. "What?" He bolted upright. Twisted the blankets in his fists. "No. She couldn't. I mean... why? Why would she want that? Why would she want to meet me?"
Alex sat up. Put a soothing hand on Michael's shoulder. Rubbed. "Because she knows how much I love you."
Michael shook his head.
"Yes, I do. And she knows. She's known since you sent us to that hotel."
"But... but..."
"Michael." Alex took Michael by the chin and turned his head. "You're very important to me. My son is very important to me. I really want you to meet him. And how much I would like you to meet him. Both of them."
"I can't.... She'll hate me."
Alex shook his head. "Pam's a surprisingly understanding woman. She's good friends with the man I was seeing before I came here. And I like her husband. Pam and my marriage is over. Our romantic life is over, and now all we want is for the other to find happiness. She's found happiness with Roger. I've found it with you." He pressed a light kiss on Michael's lips. "She just wants to meet the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with."
"I don't know if I can. I'm... I don't know."
Alexander rested his forehead against Michael's. "If you really don't want to, I understand. And it's fine. But I need to see my son."
"Of course. I wouldn't stop you."
"Michael. Do you not want to meet him?"
He shook his head. "It's not that. It's not that I don't want to. But... I escaped from prison. I robbed a bank. I've done so many horrible things and I'm not a good person and I shouldn't be anywhere near him."
Alex couldn't help laughing. "Michael," he said as he did, "I buried a man in my backyard. I've killed men. Both men who've deserved to die and those who haven't." He pulled away. Took Michael's hand and caressed his knuckles. "I am not a good man, Michael. You? Are simply fallible. But you're one of the best men I know."
"Hence the pedestal."
"Exactly." He lifted Michael's hand to his mouth and kissed it. Then he kissed the inside of his wrist. "If you don't want to meet them, I understand. If you're scared to, then I will insist that you do this."
Michael licked his lips. Swallowed. His eyes shut, long lashes shielding the expressive blues. "If I meet her, and you see us together, you'll..."
"I'll what? Suddenly change my mind? Leave you for her?"
"You loved her for so long."
"And now, I'm with you. I'm in love with you. Not her. I love her, but the passion? The need to be with her every moment of the day?" He shook his head. "I am consumed by you, Michael. You are the one I have chosen." He kissed Michael. "Come meet her. See that she's nothing to worry about. Meet my son." Kissed him again. "Please?" And again. "Please?" Again. "Please?"
Michael sighed. Clutched him. "Okay," he whispered. "Okay, I'll meet them."
Alexander heard the sacrifice in his voice. The desire, the need to make Alexander happy. And because he didn't want Michael to feel the need to do things for him, he almost called it off.
Except... except he really wanted Michael to meet his son. And maybe it was a selfish desire, and maybe he should call it off. But he couldn't.
At least he wasn't asking Michael to give up his life, to break him out of prison. It was just one day.
And yet, the guilt wouldn't go away.
Fin
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Date: 2006-11-21 02:22 am (UTC)I love the past and present potrayal of Alex though. Lovely contrast. Hope everything works out between Michael and Alex.
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Date: 2006-11-22 02:33 am (UTC)It will. Michael's just being Michael. :)
I'm glad you liked both parts. A part of me is thinking I maybe should have just done the first and not the second, or used the second as another fic. I'm not sure...
Thank you!!
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Date: 2006-11-21 03:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-22 02:35 am (UTC)I'm so glad you liked this. I'm having second thoughts about the fic, although I love, love, love the first part.
And, yes, the image of Alex caressing Michael's feet is one of my favorites, too. :)
Thank you so much!!
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Date: 2006-11-21 06:11 am (UTC)[His eyes blazed. "I want you out of my house. Now," he said, voice low and dangerous. "Tell me, Pam. Am I lying?"]---Gosh, he reacted that fast~~ It's amazing to answer people by question they asked...
["If I meet her, and you see us together, you'll..."]---Micheal is that humor~~
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Date: 2006-11-22 02:36 am (UTC)I really like that part, too. I love seeing (or imagining) Alex all intense and dangerous. It's very sexy. :)
Thank you so much!
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Date: 2006-11-22 03:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-22 04:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-22 04:51 am (UTC)Eep! Perfect. Poor, poor Alex. I love the intensity of that scene with Pam. I can feel the hotness radiating off of Alex through the words ;D. And the contrast between the two parts is breathtaking.
"'Hence the pedestal.'"
Love that. Michael is so very cute. Along with his fear of the whole thing. It's just so right.
"'I am consumed by you, Michael. You are the one I have chosen.'"
Guh. We need to steal the script to the show and sneak that in somewhere. It would make me incredibly happy :D. And then add in a make-out session or two ;) *fades off into Michael/Mahone land* Lovely work!
Illusions we've shed
Date: 2006-11-23 11:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-23 12:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-26 04:58 am (UTC)Alex grabbed her by the arms and slammed her into the wall. "You want to know who I am? I am the man who is going to leave you on the porch and go fuck that twenty-year old boy into the mattress for the next two hours and never *once* think about you. *That's* who I am." He pulled her from the wall and shoved her out the front door. "I am also the man who is telling you not to *ever* come here again. Do you understand?"
Because damn, I can see Bill F. delivering those lines. That's the Mahone I see in my head, so whoo! That was an awesome moment.
Good stuff! :) Thanks for sharing it with us. (Found you through the