Ah, damn. I forgot to review the day I read this (i.e. the day it was posted). Sorry. Anyway, moving on...
Some mistakes were found, but nothing radical (though, this is the first time I'm being extra wordy about noted mistakes -- sorry if this is unwanted...!).
The way she sparked something in her mind, something from Before.
And Magneto when he talked about the professor. (I wasn't quite sure about this -- was something supposed to go in between "Magneto" and "when"? It feels like something is missing, but that could just be me.)
It was enough. Scott relaxed, stopped looking scared. Stop hurting. (Again, might just be me. But when I read (and reread) over the line, it just gets thrown off by the "stop." I see it probably flowing better with it being "stopped" -- to match the usage in the previous sentence before it.)
Then Scott was on him. Arms tight in his hair, fisting. Mouth open. Hot. Demanding.
He never held back on a punch, ever kick was aimed true, and his blocks were almost as painful as a blow.
He tire the kid out, not hurt him.
I'll make the next comment filled with stuff other than mistakes (sorry they ended up taking up so much this time).
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2006-06-27 11:24 pm (UTC)Some mistakes were found, but nothing radical (though, this is the first time I'm being extra wordy about noted mistakes -- sorry if this is unwanted...!).
The way she sparked something in her mind, something from Before.
And Magneto when he talked about the professor. (I wasn't quite sure about this -- was something supposed to go in between "Magneto" and "when"? It feels like something is missing, but that could just be me.)
It was enough. Scott relaxed, stopped looking scared. Stop hurting. (Again, might just be me. But when I read (and reread) over the line, it just gets thrown off by the "stop." I see it probably flowing better with it being "stopped" -- to match the usage in the previous sentence before it.)
Then Scott was on him. Arms tight in his hair, fisting. Mouth open. Hot. Demanding.
He never held back on a punch, ever kick was aimed true, and his blocks were almost as painful as a blow.
He tire the kid out, not hurt him.
I'll make the next comment filled with stuff other than mistakes (sorry they ended up taking up so much this time).