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serafina20Still better, still worse. I'm basically happy with this section, but, darn, it's just not getting happier yet.
Parts 1-6
Part 7
"Welcome back, Lex," Dr. Pascal said Friday afternoon. She waved him into her office with a welcoming smile, and shut the door behind her.
Heavy slide of the door sounded ominous. It sounded like a prison door and felt as oppressive.
He was being stupid, of course. Lex had come here of his own volition, without Clark and without having to be pressured by either Clark or Perry. Clark had been firm on that point. Even though Clark wanted Lex to "get better", he wanted Lex to make the choices himself. If Lex didn't go back, then Lex didn't go back. End of story. Sure, Clark would try to find ways to make Lex see that therapy was the right choice, but it had to be Lex's choice.
So, even though all day, Lex could see Perry wanting to He could tell that Perry "gently" remind Lex of his appointment a hundred times today, Clark always gave Perry the death-glare, effectively killing Perry's impulses.
Lex loved the fact that he was dating the only other person at the Planet who could control Perry so effectively. Talk about your power couple.
"Thanks, Doctor," Lex said. He glanced around the office, something he'd avoided doing last time, before sitting down.
It really was a comfortable set up. There were plenty of places to sit: a soft, comfy couch, two large chairs, and several pillows and beanbags on the floor. Along one wall was a bank of windows; Lex knew that no one could see in which allowed anyone looking out to enjoy the spectacular view of the city in peace. A bookshelf filled the entire wall under the window; on top of the bookshelves were different kinds of toys: Play-Doh, a Rubix cube, some puzzles, those Chinese chiming balls, stress balls, dolls, puppets, and other things.
Lex sat on the couch where he and Clark had been last time. It felt big and empty without Clark, but he was already used to it. He wasn't about to change now.
Dr. Pascal pulled her chair up across from him and set her notepad on her lap. "How are you feeling?" she asked, cutting right to the chase. Lex appreciated that, and, even though the question sounded like small talk, it obviously wanted. Here, every word was weighted.
It made him feel flippant. He wanted to be flippant and say something stupid. Like, "you tell me," or, "never better." But flippant wasn't why he was here. Serious was. If he wanted to get "better"...
"Fine." He glanced around the room before allowing his eyes to land on the doctor. "I've been okay."
"Good. Have you being doing the exercise I taught you the other day?"
He nodded and tried not to fidget. When he was younger, he'd perfected the art of staying perfectly still in hopes his father--or various school bullies--would notice him. Lately, though, he'd been having problems staying still when he was nervous. "Yes, I have. There was a few times where I started to feel overwhelmed. Well, more than a few times, but I only remembered to do the exercise a couple of times."
"That's normal," she said. "In the beginning you're still engrained in your old habits. You'll naturally do what you always do. Try to find some way to remind yourself to do the exercise when you start getting overwhelmed. I've had patients tie a string around their wrist, or keep some kind of noisemaker or stress ball in their pockets. Anything that will help you remember."
Lex glanced around the room again, and clicked his tongue. "Yeah. Okay." He clicked his tongue again. "Clark's sat down and done it with me a few times. Before bed, and after we have lunch. We went to the park, and we stretched out on the grass. He kept having to remind me the steps, but when we were done, I felt a lot calmer."
"That's one of the goals, actually.
"Oh, good. That's the next step, actually. The first is to try and use it in emergency situations, and then progress to using it for more of a meditation technique."
Lex nodded and tugged the hem of his shirt. "Yeah." He didn't know what else to say to that. "Is it okay? That Clark wanted to help?"
"Of course," she said. "That's one nice thing about having a supportive partner. You're able to sit down and do these things together. Even though Clark will never know exactly what you're going through or how you feel, he's still willing to be involved in the process. That will help you, and make your relationship stronger."
"Can it get stronger?" Lex asked rhetorically.
She took the question seriously, though, and tapped her pen on the pad of paper as she thought. "You shouldn't confuse closeness with strength," she said finally. "I’m not saying that they can't go hand and hand, and, in your case, I really do think you have a very good relationship with Clark. But there are ways to be strong without always being together."
Interesting. "Clark said something like that the other day. He wants us to start doing things apart from each other. Find interests that don't keep us together all the time. Ever since we've met, practically, we've been doing the same thing, and now... he says he might take a photography class, and suggested I take fencing or join the stables or something."
"How does that suggestion make you feel?"
Lex sighed. He had a feeling he was going to get sick of that question before too long. "A little lost. I get that we don’t have to be joined at the hip, but right now, I honestly can't think of anything I'd want to do. I mean, I guess I could join my editor's poker game again, and I do like to ride, but I can't see myself having the energy."
"You're on medication, right?"
"Yeah. I've been taking anti-depressants for about two months."
"Have you had any side effects?"
"Lethargy. I’m always tired. I very rarely want to have sex. I think I've only had sex three times since I started. I just don't want to lately."
Dr. Pascal opened Lex's file and studied it a moment. "I'm going to call your doctor and get him to see you today. You shouldn't be this tired, and I'm concerned about the sexual side effects. Let's see if there's a dose adjustment we can get you, okay?"
It'd be nice to want to have sex again. And to not feel so tired all the time. "I thought it was me. Clark kept saying that it was probably the drugs, but I thought it was me."
"It's not you. Sometimes it takes awhile before finding the correct dose to make the drugs do what they're supposed to do. One of my jobs is to try and monitor your mood and see what's an effect of depression and what's a side effect of your medication. I really think that you know it's a good idea for you to have interests outside of Clark. Being less tired will help motivate you to actually go do something. I think both the poker game and the riding sound good. In one, you'll be socializing and in the other, you'll be doing something that it sounds like you enjoy."
"I love riding," he admitted. "It clears my head."
"Everyone needs a hobby, and it sounds like you have yours. Once we've got your medication right, I hope you look into it."
"I will," he said, and he meant it. It would be nice to ride every week again.
"Good. Let's move on now." She checked the file. "Did you get a chance to do the homework on Morgan I asked you to?"
Lex smiled bitterly and nodded. He'd sat down the day before, intending to write only a few minutes and get it over with. The first few minutes had been torture, but then, he'd hit his groove. Words had started pouring out of him, and, after an hour, it wasn't even just free association anymore, but sentences asking questions, demanding explanations, and profanity laced statements.
Clark had made him stop after about an hour and a half. He'd soothed Lex to sleep with a massage, but Lex had woken in the wee hours of the morning and went back to it. The whole thing was a little embarrassing, but, at the same time, it made his mind feel calmer when he was away from it.
"Yeah," he said, pulling the sheets from his pocket. "I did."
"You wrote a lot," she said, flipping through the papers casually. She glanced at the first few pages, but then just flipped through them, counting.
"I kind of got on a roll." His ears were burning with embarrassment.
"That's good. Did you discover anything about your feelings towards Morgan?"
A heavy weight settled over Lex, and he wished they could talk about his medication again. It was a lot easier. But, he'd promised Clark and he'd promised himself. Besides, this was never supposed to be easy; if it was, he could do this alone.
"I don't know. I guess. I'm angry at him, but I knew that. I'm pissed off as hell that he's thrown this new complication into my life. I was fine before. No, my father--Lionel--wasn't exactly a patron saint or anything. He fucked me over big time, too, with his psychological mind games and abuse, but I was fine. I had a life I enjoyed, a past I could deal with, and a future that was *finally* starting to come together. And then I find out that this man I'd always been uncomfortable around, and was a little frightened of, is my father."
"Why did he frighten you?"
"I don't know." He laughed helplessly. "I've never known. I don't remember him ever doing anything to me. He was there a lot, which makes sense in retrospect. Morgan was always more interested in what was going on in my life than Dad was. He was always asking... questions. How was school, how were my friends, how was riding, all that stuff. He wanted to know everything, and I think that, because Dad... Dad only asked when he needed information. He never expressed interest in me, and I thought it was weird that this friend of the family's expressed so much interest in me. It was creepy." He cracked his knuckles. "I remember Dad a few times saying things about Morgan. Not to get too close to him, or watch out or that I was annoying him. So I was probably influenced by Dad--Lionel in the way I think about Morgan."
"So he makes you uncomfortable, angry, and frightened. Anything else?"
A heavy sigh gusted out and Lex rested his head against the back of the couch. "Yeah. I'm confused. Clark says that I'm always the first thing Morgan asks about, and always have been. He, like, craves information about me."
"What is Clark's connection to Morgan?"
Lex belonged on Jerry Springer. He knew that. Or some trashy talk show. With his life, he'd be a shoe-in. "Morgan and Clark used to be lovers," he said with a groan. "Clark ran away from home when he was sixteen, met Morgan. They lived together for the summer, and then Clark went home. They still care a lot for each other, and I can tell how hard it is on Clark for him to have to protect me from a man that he knows as someone he can trust."
"Did you know they'd been lovers when you met Clark?"
"No. I found out later. It bugs me, but I can deal with it." He held his breath a minute, heart pounding wildly. "A part of me is glad," he whispered. "I don't know ... I don't want Morgan in my life, I don't. But I guess I don’t mind having a way--an excuse--to keep tabs on him. I'd like to resolve this somehow, even if all I can do is make a clean break with Morgan. I tried when I found out, but it didn't take. It couldn't have, and I'm glad. I just..." He trailed off and stopped talking.
"What do you want from Morgan?"
"I want to know why he left me there."
"Left you where?"
"With my father. With Lionel."
"I take it living with Lionel was bad?"
"Yeah." Again, the bitter laugh sounded, and bile rose in Lex's throat. "You could say that. I've, uh, blocked a lot of it out. A lot of my childhood, most of my teenage years. I didn't even realize how much I was missing until... both Morgan and Lois have said things to me. And I have no idea what they're talking about."
"What have they said?"
It felt as if a band had been fitted around Lex's eyes and head. It was squeezing him, narrowing his vision and making him feel very confined. "Things about me and my little brother. I had a little brother," he said, looking at her. She probably knew. Everyone knew everything about him anyway, but sometimes he liked to pretend it was otherwise. "Julian. He's Morgan's kid, too, but still my brother, right? He died when he was only a month or so old. I killed him."
She started, and then tried to cover her surprise by adjusting her blazer jacket. "Did you?"
"No."
Dr. Pascal narrowed her eyes. "You just said you did."
"I know. Because, up until a year ago, I thought I had. And not by accident. He was smothered in his sleep. I did it."
"You thought you did it. But you didn't."
"Morgan said I didn't. And, truthfully, I don't actually remember doing it. I remember seeing the body. I remember the pillow, and I remember feeling sick. But everything is so fuzzy and distorted and... It's like I was on drugs and I can't remember. I remember Dad--Lionel--telling me the story of how I killed him, though. But that's all. I don't remember doing it. I don't even know how Julian died. All I know is he died, and I'm to blame." His throat was completely dry and his vision was blurring. "But, last year, Morgan told me it wasn't me who did it."
"No?"
Lex shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. "See why I'm so fucked up?" he asked, vision blurring.
Dr. Pascal handed a box of tissue to him, looking calmly neutral at him. He was just glad she didn't look sympathetic. He couldn't take it right now.
"Morgan told me that Dad--Lionel killed Julian. Or had him killed. Julian was sick, and Dad--Lionel... *fuck*."
"Lex, you can keep calling Lionel 'Dad' if it's what you're used to. I'll know to whom you're referring to.
"I know, it's just... I don't *want* him to be my father anymore. I don't want to be associated with him. If Morgan's right--and I really think he is--Lionel Luthor killed my little brother, then drugged me and told me that I did it until I had a psychotic break. The headmaster at my school found me on top of the roof during a storm, singing to a rolled up blankets. I thought it was Julian." He wiped his eyes. "I spent six months in a mental institution, drugged to the gills. When I left, I didn't remember anything about the incident. All I knew was that I'd killed Julian." He rose abruptly and crossed the room. Dr. Pascal had a pitcher of water and some ice in the corner; without asking, he poured himself a drink. It was either hydrate or puke.
"Are you all right?" she asked when he returned.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
Dr. Pascal nodded and wrote something down. "What institution were you in?"
"Belle Reve."
"I'm going to contact them so I can get a hold of your records. I don’t doubt what you're saying about your innocence in Julian's death. But if you were brainwashed or drugged into thinking this, there had to have been some evidence. Someone must have had a suspicion. It's very hard to twist memories like that, and even harder to shape them into what someone else wants them to be. Your father would have had to have lot of help, and I'm sure that someone at the institution was either involved or suspected something was going on."
Lex sat back and closed his eyes. He was exhausted.
"Do you remember anything about your stay?"
"Some. I remember always being tired. Being lonely. I remember Morgan. He came every day. I remember him reading to me, holding me. Talking to me. He was always there."
"How do you feel about that?"
"Angry. He should have taken me away. If he really cared, he should have gotten me away from Dad." His voice broke on the word "Dad."
Dr. Pascal's voice remained calm and soothing. "Have you ever asked why he didn't?"
"Ironically enough, I did. I never talk to him. Ever." He licked his lips. "But I asked him this when he first told me about it. Morgan said that he wanted to take me away after my break, but Dad wouldn’t let him. Dad was very possessive of me up until he decided to replace me a clone." He looked at her. "Do you know about that?"
"I read the article. I didn't realize you were the one Lionel was going to replace."
"Yeah. Me. The son he'd fought to hard to get, he was going to replace with a better model. Whatever. Anyway, when Dad said no, Morgan thought about kidnapping me, but didn't think my mind could handle the strain."
"He was probably right."
Lex opened his eyes and tried not to snap at her. How dare she defend him? She didn't know anything. "Maybe. But my life might have been better. My mom was dead, my dad hated me, and I was in a mental institution. Maybe I would have liked going with him."
"Perhaps. Do you wish he'd have done that?"
The righteous anger deflated, and Lex lay back against the couch. "I don’t know."
"If he was here, Lex? If Morgan were here right now, what would you ask him? What's a question or a though you had while doing your homework that you'd ask him if you had nothing to lose?"
Why was he here? Why couldn't he go home and just hide underneath the covers? He didn't want to do this, it hurt too much. God.
"Lex? What would you ask?"
He licked his lips and whispered, "I don't know. I guess... I guess I would ask why he didn't take me when he knew what Lionel was. Why he stayed loyal to a man who treated his son so horribly. Why... I want to know why he loved Lionel so much and me... and me not enough. That's what I want to know. Why wasn't I worth it?"
TBC...
(eventually)
Parts 1-6
Part 7
"Welcome back, Lex," Dr. Pascal said Friday afternoon. She waved him into her office with a welcoming smile, and shut the door behind her.
Heavy slide of the door sounded ominous. It sounded like a prison door and felt as oppressive.
He was being stupid, of course. Lex had come here of his own volition, without Clark and without having to be pressured by either Clark or Perry. Clark had been firm on that point. Even though Clark wanted Lex to "get better", he wanted Lex to make the choices himself. If Lex didn't go back, then Lex didn't go back. End of story. Sure, Clark would try to find ways to make Lex see that therapy was the right choice, but it had to be Lex's choice.
So, even though all day, Lex could see Perry wanting to He could tell that Perry "gently" remind Lex of his appointment a hundred times today, Clark always gave Perry the death-glare, effectively killing Perry's impulses.
Lex loved the fact that he was dating the only other person at the Planet who could control Perry so effectively. Talk about your power couple.
"Thanks, Doctor," Lex said. He glanced around the office, something he'd avoided doing last time, before sitting down.
It really was a comfortable set up. There were plenty of places to sit: a soft, comfy couch, two large chairs, and several pillows and beanbags on the floor. Along one wall was a bank of windows; Lex knew that no one could see in which allowed anyone looking out to enjoy the spectacular view of the city in peace. A bookshelf filled the entire wall under the window; on top of the bookshelves were different kinds of toys: Play-Doh, a Rubix cube, some puzzles, those Chinese chiming balls, stress balls, dolls, puppets, and other things.
Lex sat on the couch where he and Clark had been last time. It felt big and empty without Clark, but he was already used to it. He wasn't about to change now.
Dr. Pascal pulled her chair up across from him and set her notepad on her lap. "How are you feeling?" she asked, cutting right to the chase. Lex appreciated that, and, even though the question sounded like small talk, it obviously wanted. Here, every word was weighted.
It made him feel flippant. He wanted to be flippant and say something stupid. Like, "you tell me," or, "never better." But flippant wasn't why he was here. Serious was. If he wanted to get "better"...
"Fine." He glanced around the room before allowing his eyes to land on the doctor. "I've been okay."
"Good. Have you being doing the exercise I taught you the other day?"
He nodded and tried not to fidget. When he was younger, he'd perfected the art of staying perfectly still in hopes his father--or various school bullies--would notice him. Lately, though, he'd been having problems staying still when he was nervous. "Yes, I have. There was a few times where I started to feel overwhelmed. Well, more than a few times, but I only remembered to do the exercise a couple of times."
"That's normal," she said. "In the beginning you're still engrained in your old habits. You'll naturally do what you always do. Try to find some way to remind yourself to do the exercise when you start getting overwhelmed. I've had patients tie a string around their wrist, or keep some kind of noisemaker or stress ball in their pockets. Anything that will help you remember."
Lex glanced around the room again, and clicked his tongue. "Yeah. Okay." He clicked his tongue again. "Clark's sat down and done it with me a few times. Before bed, and after we have lunch. We went to the park, and we stretched out on the grass. He kept having to remind me the steps, but when we were done, I felt a lot calmer."
"That's one of the goals, actually.
"Oh, good. That's the next step, actually. The first is to try and use it in emergency situations, and then progress to using it for more of a meditation technique."
Lex nodded and tugged the hem of his shirt. "Yeah." He didn't know what else to say to that. "Is it okay? That Clark wanted to help?"
"Of course," she said. "That's one nice thing about having a supportive partner. You're able to sit down and do these things together. Even though Clark will never know exactly what you're going through or how you feel, he's still willing to be involved in the process. That will help you, and make your relationship stronger."
"Can it get stronger?" Lex asked rhetorically.
She took the question seriously, though, and tapped her pen on the pad of paper as she thought. "You shouldn't confuse closeness with strength," she said finally. "I’m not saying that they can't go hand and hand, and, in your case, I really do think you have a very good relationship with Clark. But there are ways to be strong without always being together."
Interesting. "Clark said something like that the other day. He wants us to start doing things apart from each other. Find interests that don't keep us together all the time. Ever since we've met, practically, we've been doing the same thing, and now... he says he might take a photography class, and suggested I take fencing or join the stables or something."
"How does that suggestion make you feel?"
Lex sighed. He had a feeling he was going to get sick of that question before too long. "A little lost. I get that we don’t have to be joined at the hip, but right now, I honestly can't think of anything I'd want to do. I mean, I guess I could join my editor's poker game again, and I do like to ride, but I can't see myself having the energy."
"You're on medication, right?"
"Yeah. I've been taking anti-depressants for about two months."
"Have you had any side effects?"
"Lethargy. I’m always tired. I very rarely want to have sex. I think I've only had sex three times since I started. I just don't want to lately."
Dr. Pascal opened Lex's file and studied it a moment. "I'm going to call your doctor and get him to see you today. You shouldn't be this tired, and I'm concerned about the sexual side effects. Let's see if there's a dose adjustment we can get you, okay?"
It'd be nice to want to have sex again. And to not feel so tired all the time. "I thought it was me. Clark kept saying that it was probably the drugs, but I thought it was me."
"It's not you. Sometimes it takes awhile before finding the correct dose to make the drugs do what they're supposed to do. One of my jobs is to try and monitor your mood and see what's an effect of depression and what's a side effect of your medication. I really think that you know it's a good idea for you to have interests outside of Clark. Being less tired will help motivate you to actually go do something. I think both the poker game and the riding sound good. In one, you'll be socializing and in the other, you'll be doing something that it sounds like you enjoy."
"I love riding," he admitted. "It clears my head."
"Everyone needs a hobby, and it sounds like you have yours. Once we've got your medication right, I hope you look into it."
"I will," he said, and he meant it. It would be nice to ride every week again.
"Good. Let's move on now." She checked the file. "Did you get a chance to do the homework on Morgan I asked you to?"
Lex smiled bitterly and nodded. He'd sat down the day before, intending to write only a few minutes and get it over with. The first few minutes had been torture, but then, he'd hit his groove. Words had started pouring out of him, and, after an hour, it wasn't even just free association anymore, but sentences asking questions, demanding explanations, and profanity laced statements.
Clark had made him stop after about an hour and a half. He'd soothed Lex to sleep with a massage, but Lex had woken in the wee hours of the morning and went back to it. The whole thing was a little embarrassing, but, at the same time, it made his mind feel calmer when he was away from it.
"Yeah," he said, pulling the sheets from his pocket. "I did."
"You wrote a lot," she said, flipping through the papers casually. She glanced at the first few pages, but then just flipped through them, counting.
"I kind of got on a roll." His ears were burning with embarrassment.
"That's good. Did you discover anything about your feelings towards Morgan?"
A heavy weight settled over Lex, and he wished they could talk about his medication again. It was a lot easier. But, he'd promised Clark and he'd promised himself. Besides, this was never supposed to be easy; if it was, he could do this alone.
"I don't know. I guess. I'm angry at him, but I knew that. I'm pissed off as hell that he's thrown this new complication into my life. I was fine before. No, my father--Lionel--wasn't exactly a patron saint or anything. He fucked me over big time, too, with his psychological mind games and abuse, but I was fine. I had a life I enjoyed, a past I could deal with, and a future that was *finally* starting to come together. And then I find out that this man I'd always been uncomfortable around, and was a little frightened of, is my father."
"Why did he frighten you?"
"I don't know." He laughed helplessly. "I've never known. I don't remember him ever doing anything to me. He was there a lot, which makes sense in retrospect. Morgan was always more interested in what was going on in my life than Dad was. He was always asking... questions. How was school, how were my friends, how was riding, all that stuff. He wanted to know everything, and I think that, because Dad... Dad only asked when he needed information. He never expressed interest in me, and I thought it was weird that this friend of the family's expressed so much interest in me. It was creepy." He cracked his knuckles. "I remember Dad a few times saying things about Morgan. Not to get too close to him, or watch out or that I was annoying him. So I was probably influenced by Dad--Lionel in the way I think about Morgan."
"So he makes you uncomfortable, angry, and frightened. Anything else?"
A heavy sigh gusted out and Lex rested his head against the back of the couch. "Yeah. I'm confused. Clark says that I'm always the first thing Morgan asks about, and always have been. He, like, craves information about me."
"What is Clark's connection to Morgan?"
Lex belonged on Jerry Springer. He knew that. Or some trashy talk show. With his life, he'd be a shoe-in. "Morgan and Clark used to be lovers," he said with a groan. "Clark ran away from home when he was sixteen, met Morgan. They lived together for the summer, and then Clark went home. They still care a lot for each other, and I can tell how hard it is on Clark for him to have to protect me from a man that he knows as someone he can trust."
"Did you know they'd been lovers when you met Clark?"
"No. I found out later. It bugs me, but I can deal with it." He held his breath a minute, heart pounding wildly. "A part of me is glad," he whispered. "I don't know ... I don't want Morgan in my life, I don't. But I guess I don’t mind having a way--an excuse--to keep tabs on him. I'd like to resolve this somehow, even if all I can do is make a clean break with Morgan. I tried when I found out, but it didn't take. It couldn't have, and I'm glad. I just..." He trailed off and stopped talking.
"What do you want from Morgan?"
"I want to know why he left me there."
"Left you where?"
"With my father. With Lionel."
"I take it living with Lionel was bad?"
"Yeah." Again, the bitter laugh sounded, and bile rose in Lex's throat. "You could say that. I've, uh, blocked a lot of it out. A lot of my childhood, most of my teenage years. I didn't even realize how much I was missing until... both Morgan and Lois have said things to me. And I have no idea what they're talking about."
"What have they said?"
It felt as if a band had been fitted around Lex's eyes and head. It was squeezing him, narrowing his vision and making him feel very confined. "Things about me and my little brother. I had a little brother," he said, looking at her. She probably knew. Everyone knew everything about him anyway, but sometimes he liked to pretend it was otherwise. "Julian. He's Morgan's kid, too, but still my brother, right? He died when he was only a month or so old. I killed him."
She started, and then tried to cover her surprise by adjusting her blazer jacket. "Did you?"
"No."
Dr. Pascal narrowed her eyes. "You just said you did."
"I know. Because, up until a year ago, I thought I had. And not by accident. He was smothered in his sleep. I did it."
"You thought you did it. But you didn't."
"Morgan said I didn't. And, truthfully, I don't actually remember doing it. I remember seeing the body. I remember the pillow, and I remember feeling sick. But everything is so fuzzy and distorted and... It's like I was on drugs and I can't remember. I remember Dad--Lionel--telling me the story of how I killed him, though. But that's all. I don't remember doing it. I don't even know how Julian died. All I know is he died, and I'm to blame." His throat was completely dry and his vision was blurring. "But, last year, Morgan told me it wasn't me who did it."
"No?"
Lex shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. "See why I'm so fucked up?" he asked, vision blurring.
Dr. Pascal handed a box of tissue to him, looking calmly neutral at him. He was just glad she didn't look sympathetic. He couldn't take it right now.
"Morgan told me that Dad--Lionel killed Julian. Or had him killed. Julian was sick, and Dad--Lionel... *fuck*."
"Lex, you can keep calling Lionel 'Dad' if it's what you're used to. I'll know to whom you're referring to.
"I know, it's just... I don't *want* him to be my father anymore. I don't want to be associated with him. If Morgan's right--and I really think he is--Lionel Luthor killed my little brother, then drugged me and told me that I did it until I had a psychotic break. The headmaster at my school found me on top of the roof during a storm, singing to a rolled up blankets. I thought it was Julian." He wiped his eyes. "I spent six months in a mental institution, drugged to the gills. When I left, I didn't remember anything about the incident. All I knew was that I'd killed Julian." He rose abruptly and crossed the room. Dr. Pascal had a pitcher of water and some ice in the corner; without asking, he poured himself a drink. It was either hydrate or puke.
"Are you all right?" she asked when he returned.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
Dr. Pascal nodded and wrote something down. "What institution were you in?"
"Belle Reve."
"I'm going to contact them so I can get a hold of your records. I don’t doubt what you're saying about your innocence in Julian's death. But if you were brainwashed or drugged into thinking this, there had to have been some evidence. Someone must have had a suspicion. It's very hard to twist memories like that, and even harder to shape them into what someone else wants them to be. Your father would have had to have lot of help, and I'm sure that someone at the institution was either involved or suspected something was going on."
Lex sat back and closed his eyes. He was exhausted.
"Do you remember anything about your stay?"
"Some. I remember always being tired. Being lonely. I remember Morgan. He came every day. I remember him reading to me, holding me. Talking to me. He was always there."
"How do you feel about that?"
"Angry. He should have taken me away. If he really cared, he should have gotten me away from Dad." His voice broke on the word "Dad."
Dr. Pascal's voice remained calm and soothing. "Have you ever asked why he didn't?"
"Ironically enough, I did. I never talk to him. Ever." He licked his lips. "But I asked him this when he first told me about it. Morgan said that he wanted to take me away after my break, but Dad wouldn’t let him. Dad was very possessive of me up until he decided to replace me a clone." He looked at her. "Do you know about that?"
"I read the article. I didn't realize you were the one Lionel was going to replace."
"Yeah. Me. The son he'd fought to hard to get, he was going to replace with a better model. Whatever. Anyway, when Dad said no, Morgan thought about kidnapping me, but didn't think my mind could handle the strain."
"He was probably right."
Lex opened his eyes and tried not to snap at her. How dare she defend him? She didn't know anything. "Maybe. But my life might have been better. My mom was dead, my dad hated me, and I was in a mental institution. Maybe I would have liked going with him."
"Perhaps. Do you wish he'd have done that?"
The righteous anger deflated, and Lex lay back against the couch. "I don’t know."
"If he was here, Lex? If Morgan were here right now, what would you ask him? What's a question or a though you had while doing your homework that you'd ask him if you had nothing to lose?"
Why was he here? Why couldn't he go home and just hide underneath the covers? He didn't want to do this, it hurt too much. God.
"Lex? What would you ask?"
He licked his lips and whispered, "I don't know. I guess... I guess I would ask why he didn't take me when he knew what Lionel was. Why he stayed loyal to a man who treated his son so horribly. Why... I want to know why he loved Lionel so much and me... and me not enough. That's what I want to know. Why wasn't I worth it?"
TBC...
(eventually)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-09-11 08:59 pm (UTC)Maybe, eventually, I'll be able to read the Kal/Morgan story, but for right now I just want to kick Morgan's hide. When I'm not kicking Lionel's, of course.
*more sobbing*
This part is great, though.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-11 09:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-11 09:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-11 10:57 pm (UTC)Thank You
Date: 2004-09-11 11:04 pm (UTC)Can't wait for the next chapter.
Love.
Cyberwitch
Gorgeous
Date: 2004-09-12 03:26 am (UTC)*snuggles Lex*
no subject
Date: 2004-09-12 04:24 am (UTC)The more this story goes on the more I want Lex and Morgan to reconcile and the more I want Lex to find that Morgan really did love him and wanted to care for him. You made me feel sorry for Morgan!
Anyway I am aware that in the background there is a plotting Lois with designs on Superman and a suspicious amount of Kryptonite. Scary.
I am glad that you seem to be able to continue with this story even though your new job is stressing you. Thanks for that.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-12 09:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-12 09:50 am (UTC)*passes tissue* I hope this helps.
If I were you, I'd kick Lionel the hardest. He's the puppet master, after all. Or is it the devil? Hmmm...
This part is great, though.
Thanks!!
no subject
Date: 2004-09-12 09:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-12 09:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-12 09:53 am (UTC)Thanks.
Re: Thank You
Date: 2004-09-12 09:55 am (UTC)Thank you! I'm glad it's working for you, and thank you, thank you for the compliment on Lex. It makes em feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I'll try and get the next chapter out soon, but I can't make any promises. Stupid RL. *kicks RL*
Re: Gorgeous
Date: 2004-09-12 09:55 am (UTC)*lex snuggles back*
no subject
Date: 2004-09-12 09:58 am (UTC)I honestly can only hope it's an accurate representation. I've never been this depressed, and the few therapy sessions I went to were a joke. So I'm playing this all by ear right ow.
The more this story goes on the more I want Lex and Morgan to reconcile and the more I want Lex to find that Morgan really did love him and wanted to care for him. You made me feel sorry for Morgan!
I'm glad you feel sorry for Morgan! He's a bit of a victim as well, although not as much as Lex, obviously. I don't think that Lex wille ver be able to completely forgive him, but I do think they'll be able to reach an understanding. I just have to figure out how. :)
I am glad that you seem to be able to continue with this story even though your new job is stressing you. Thanks for that.
You're welcome! And thanks for letting me know that you're enjoying it. It really helps keep my creative juices flowing. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-12 09:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-12 11:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-12 02:57 pm (UTC)i continue 2 <3 and adore this fic!!
u rock!
no subject
Date: 2004-09-12 03:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-13 12:19 am (UTC)Finally saw this
Date: 2004-09-13 02:43 am (UTC)Excellent chapter. I felt all of Lex's pain. Needless to say I wanna hug him.
The Julian and Belle Reve section as seen from the POV of him being Morgan's son was incredible.
I's say more if I were actually awake. *g* But, just know I loved it and am looking forward to more - in between your kids exhausting you at school.
Take it easy.
**hugs**
no subject
Date: 2004-09-13 07:58 pm (UTC)what we are never shown: Lex exorcising his demons, with a (presumabley non-evil) therapist, a supportive lover, a patient, loving (albeit quite complex) father waiting in the wings.
The blow-by-blow is fabulous!
Thank you for your effort and art!
no subject
Date: 2004-09-13 08:27 pm (UTC)Meh. I mean, I can't make any promises, because the story leads itself, but while the PTB are fond of making everyoen Lex meets an Evil, Evil person, I'm not. So, she probably won't be. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-13 08:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-13 08:31 pm (UTC)I'm glad I'm not coming across as heavy-handed. That's one of my big fears.
The Clex relationship has an underlying sweetness that tempers the depression aspect.
Oh, good. I hope I'm able to keep it up. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-13 08:32 pm (UTC)Re: Finally saw this
Date: 2004-09-13 08:33 pm (UTC)And COTW! DOn't forget that. :)
Excellent chapter. I felt all of Lex's pain. Needless to say I wanna hug him.
I'll try to FedEx him to you tonight. Just send him back in good repaire, okay> ;)