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serafina20Look! An update!! Now, bedtime.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Lex started his search for a psychologist he might feel comfortable around the next day. He was somewhat less than optimistic about his chances. The whole idea of therapy made him very uncomfortable. Talking about his life with a stranger was his worst nightmare. So much of his life had been exposed painfully to the public already, Lex did what he could to hide the rest. And now Clark wanted him to *talk* about it all.
But that wasn't fair, either. Lex knew this was the right thing to do. This depression thing had gotten way beyond his control, and he needed help.
Unfortunately, on his quest for a doctor, Lex unearthed the name of one Dr. Garner and was sidetracked for days. Dr. Garner wasn't a psychologist or a psychiatrist, so he wasn't what Lex needed, but he *was* connected to the Sommerholt Institute and was therefore under suspicion.
Dr. Garner's record was spotty at best. He was brilliant in his field, but his methods were not only considered unorthodox, but dangerous. He'd killed at least one boy with his barely legal experimentation, had damaged countless others, and still managed to avoid having his license taken away. Prior to Lois investing in Sommerholt, Garner had been put on probation, and then suspended; now, he was head of research.
Ten to one, he was working with Kryptonite. Lex knew Lois hadn't stopped playing with the pretty green rocks, and Garner had a history in Smallville that preceded Clark. According to the records Lex unearthed, Garner had somehow gotten a hold of a piece of Kryptonite about five years before he first crossed paths with Clark. Soon, he was using it exclusively in his research. Until Clark exposed Garner's unethical experiments on Ryan James, no one had paid too much attention to what the good doctor had been doing. After, he'd come under too much scrutiny and the research had been set aside.
The combination of Lois and Garner set all sorts of alarms off in his head. Enough so that it took four days to get serious about looking for a psychologist. And then only because Clark threatened to burn whatever it was he was researching.
Lex couldn’t bring himself to reveal what he was looking at to Clark. One, it would cause too much pain to bring up the almost-little brother Clark had lost. Two.... Well, there was no two. No *good* two. The fact was, Lex wasn't sure if he was working on a story or just gathering information on Lois. Either way, until he knew he had a story or a problem, he wanted to do this on his own.
After much deliberation and a consultation with the physician who'd prescribed Lex's anti-depressants, Lex finally decided on a woman named Dr. Emily Pascal. She was a young doctor, but considered an expert in her field. Lex read a few of her papers on depression and bipolar disorders and, even with his limited knowledge of psychology, had been impressed by her insights.
Lex's doctor had also recommended a male psychologist, but Lex hadn't bothered looking into his background and records at all. It was uncomfortable enough going to a male physician. Lex hated being poked and prodded, but it was a little more tolerable when the person doing so was female.
It'd be worse with having to bare his soul to a man. To anyone, really, but he didn't feel as harshly judged by women, Lois notwithstanding. But, the truth was, except for Clark and Perry, he just didn’t feel safe around men. He didn't know if it was because of Lionel, or all the men who'd beaten and abused him along the way, or if it was just cultural conditioning that told him men would scorn him for being vulnerable and women wouldn’t. And, in the end, it didn't really matter. The fact remained that, if he was going to sit in a room and talk about himself, it had to be a woman.
Dr. Pascal agreed to meet both him and Clark on a Wednesday afternoon about three weeks after Lex had agreed to start therapy. It'd been Lex who insisted they go to work that day, but he'd spent most of the day staring at the screen, mind frozen with indecision and panic. He'd only written half the article he'd been assigned by the time it was time to leave. Neither Clark or Perry allowed him to use it as an excuse to cancel the appointment, so, at two-thirty, Lex found himself sitting across a thin, blonde woman, his heart pounding in his throat.
"So," Dr. Pascal said after introductions and pleasantries had been exchanged. "Why don't we get started?"
"Okay," Lex said, shifting uncomfortably. He glanced at Clark, who was sitting next to him, hand tucked in his. Lex had insisted that, at least for the first visit, they go together. Licking his lips, he looked back at the doctor. "What do you want me to say?"
"Why don't you start out by telling me why you're here?"
"I'm depressed."
She raised her eyebrows and looked at him, waiting for more.
Lex looked at Clark.
Clark shrugged.
Oh, right. This was *Lex's* problem, not Clark's. Which meant Lex had to talk about it.
Why had he agreed to come again?
"My doctor says that I'm clinically depressed," he finally said, jaw tight. "There's something wrong with my brain chemistry or something, and, sometimes, I get these really overwhelming periods of darkness when I can't do anything. I can't be happy." He swallowed and looked back at her. "It's been happening a lot more in the last year. I'll be okay, and then, I'll crash. I go through cycles of about, what? Every three months?" he asked Clark.
"Yeah. About that," Clark answered. "He made it all through summer with only a couple rough patches, but as soon as October hit, he crashed again." Clark draped his arm over his shoulder and then took Lex's hand again.
Dr. Pascal wrote something down. A strand of hair fell out of her braid and across her face. "I see. You said it's increasing in the last year. Do you think there's any particular reason?"
"Yeah, I guess. About nine months ago I found out that the man I thought was my father isn't, and the man who has, for one reason or another, made me very uncomfortable my whole life, is."
She didn't blink, didn't react, didn't seem to think that it was all that out of the ordinary. Lex knew that this woman had to know who his father was; everyone did. But she didn't seem to care. All she said was, "Well, yes, I can see how that might do it. Finding something that important out must have been very traumatic."
Lex just shrugged. "I guess."
Dr. Pascal inclined her head, studying him. He waited for her to say something, but instead, she turned to Clark. "And you're Lex's partner, right?"
"Yes," Clark said, sitting a little straighter. "His fiancee, actually. We just got engaged."
"Congratulations," she said, smiling warmly. "How long have you been together?"
"Little less than a year," Lex said, fidgeting.
Her expression changed minutely. "I see. And, I assume you're living together?"
Lex sighed, guessing what she was going to say. "Yes. We've been living together a little less than a year. We also work together, but you *had* to have known that," he said sharply.
"You seem defensive, Lex," she said, her voice even and soft.
"You're judging my relationship," he told her, anger rising. "You're going to say that it's no wonder that I'm so fucked up, that I moved too quickly into a relationship, especially after finding out something as huge as my real father is a crime lord and my asshole father killed my baby brother."
She blinked, looking a little overwhelmed. However, she recovered quickly and said, "Lex, I'm not judging you. That's not why I'm here. That's not why *you're* here. At this point, I'm not qualified to make any comments on your relationship. If I had to guess, I'd say that you two were moving into something serious before you found out about your paternity, Clark moved in to help you get through your initial reactions to it, and then stayed."
"Yes, Doctor," Clark said, putting his arm around Lex. "That's pretty much what happened. It also helped that my apartment was practically condemned anyway, and I spent a lot of time at his place before. It made the most sense for me to move in with him." He squeezed Lex gently. "I knew we were going to last, and Lex was at least willing to indulge the idea."
"I think that's good. It's must have been a great source of comfort and support for Lex to have you there. Lex?"
"What?" he snapped. This wasn't going to work.
"Lex, I'm not judging you. But I do think that you have some issues with the way your relationship progressed. Not that you have regrets, but is it possible that there's something bothering you?"
Lex could feel Clark freeze. Shit. Oh, God, this wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to hurt Clark, he didn't want to lose Clark. He didn't...
"I'm going to step outside," Clark said, pulling away. "I think that maybe it would be easier for you to talk, Lex, if you weren't worried about me."
"No, I..." But he didn't know how to finish that sentence. Talking about this in front of Clark would hurt; he'd be too worried about Clark's reaction to be able to say anything. Not that he knew that he might say. He just knew it hurt.
"We don’t have to talk about this now," Dr. Pascal said after the silence had dragged on for too long. "It's just our first session, and, Clark, you're right, it might be easier for both of you if Lex and I were alone. If, Lex, you want to keep talking on this subject, we can. If it makes you uncomfortable, we can move on to another subject and come back to this at another time.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Lex said.
"Then we won't." She made a note on the pad of paper in front of her. "Let's talk about why you're here. Tell me what you want to get out of these sessions."
Stupid question. "I don't want to be depressed anymore."
"That's reasonable. But you do realize that I can't solve anything for you. It's going to take work on your part. It's not just you coming in and talking either. I'm going to ask you to do things that might make you uncomfortable or upset, or even more depressed. But everything I ask will help you develop new habits and new ways of thinking to help you deal with the depression."
"And that’s not going to go away," Clark said.
Dr. Pascal bobbed her head from side to side. "Not exactly, no. You're always going to have a tendency towards depression. But what we're going to do is help you learn the signs and, more importantly, learn what to do to stop you from getting too depressed. And Clark, you and I will learn talk about what you can do to help Lex without making him dependent on you."
Clark nodded and put his arm around Lex. "All right." He glanced at Lex. "Do you want to do this?"
He sighed and rested his forehead against Clark. "Do I have a choice?" he asked softly. Very technically, he did. He could say no, say he wasn't comfortable with her, that he wanted to find someone else. He could stretch this thing out forever, until after they were married, and just let Clark take care of him.
Of course, that wouldn’t work. Sooner or later, Lex *knew* Clark was going to mention children, and there was no way Lex could raise a child if he refused to get out of bed every few months.
Not that he wanted children, but still.
"Fine," he said, pulling away. "Let's give this a try."
Dr. Pascal smiled. "All right. For the rest of the session today, I'm going to teach you an exercise for you to do when you start to get overwhelmed."
Lex groaned internally, but submitted to the exercise. It made him feel as if he were some hippie flower child, and he could hear his father--Lionel, not Morgan--in the back of his mind, taunting him and his weakness. But, at the end of the session, he did feel a little calmer, and when Dr. Pascal gave him his assignment, he didn't immediately get defensive.
That waited until he and Clark hit the street.
"So," Clark said when they were outside. His eyes closed and head tipped to the sun, as if the hour inside had been just too much for him and he'd die without soaking up some of the rays. "That wasn't so bad."
A question, not a statement. Lex pulled a cigarette from his case and lit it before answering. "I guess not." He tucked the lighter back into his pocket. "No one said there'd be homework."
Clark hooked his arm around Lex's neck and kissed him on the head. "Make a list of everything you feel when you think of Morgan? Come on. You can do that in your sleep."
"You did him in your sleep," Lex said moodily.
"No, I was always awake. Sorry to disillusion you." Stepping around so he was facing Lex, Clark cupped the back of his neck. "It won't be that bad. You’re a writer, after all, and it's free association."
"I do my best never to think about Morgan. I don't like the way I feel when I do." He sucked on the cigarette and held the smoke in his lungs.
Clark head tilted, a thoughtful expression on his face. "It's just, repression makes you angrier. Because it's still there, simmering until you explode."
He exhaled a stream of smoke. "Depression is anger turned inward," he said. "Jennifer White told me that about two years ago. She was trying to get me to see a psychologist."
"Getting the anger out through writing is a step in the right direction."
"I guess." He took another puff. "Look, you should go home. I need to be alone."
Clark looked worried. "You okay?"
"I'm going to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes, what do you think?" Lex snapped.
"I think everything pizza and Butterfinger-chunk ice cream when you get home?"
Lex smiled. "Appeasing me with junk food. I like it." He kissed Clark. "See you later."
"I love you."
"Me too." He turned and walked away, deep in thought.
The session hadn't been bad. After that uncomfortable moment about moving in with Clark (and Lex *really* didn't want to admit how conflicted he was about the timing, even if he was happy with the results), the session had gone smoothly. She was a nice woman, he felt mildly comfortable around her, and the office was soothing.
And yet, he felt so... exposed even being in there. Vulnerable. It was hard talking about these things with Clark; to be expected to reveal himself to a complete stranger was terrifying.
He couldn't do this. It was too much. He didn't want to.
But, he'd promised Clark and, deep inside, he really was tired of the darkness inside him. He wanted to feel again.
The first cigarette was gone. Tossing it aside, he lit another. Thank God smoking didn't junk up his lungs; he could thank the meteors for that. And, no, it wasn't as if he didn't have a million other vices, but, God, Lex *loved* smoking.
He probably got that from his father. Morgan always smoked. Except...
Lex gasped and grabbed onto the side of a building. For a dizzying moment, he could see Morgan holding a baby outside in the garden. The grass was scratchy under Lex's feet, and his hands were sticky with melted ice cream. Morgan was smiling at him, holding out a paper napkin, Julian tucked under one arm. He was dressed casually, in jeans and a blue shirt with a diaper thrown over his shoulder. A bottle was on the bench near where they were sitting.
He blinked rapidly as the memory faded. God, he remembered that day. Dad had been out of town for the weekend on business, and Mom had just wanted to sleep. Lex had spent the morning inside reading until Morgan had suggested they go into the garden.
They'd played ball. Sort of. Morgan had a baseball and gloves with him and when Julian had finally stopped crying, he'd taught Lex to play catch. That had been the year when Lex was being harassed during gym for having no athletic ability whatsoever.
He'd forgotten that, while Lionel had ordered Lex to be a man, it'd been Morgan who'd arranged fencing, boxing lessons for him, and gotten him involved in team sports.
A loud honk startled him out of his thoughts. He dropped his cigarette and turned to see a limousine pulling up to the curb.
"Lex," Lois called through the window. "Get in." She was on the phone, and after her order, went back to talking.
He smirked and pushed himself away from the wall. His legs were shaky beneath him, but he managed to make it to the limo without stumbling. "Sorry, lady, but I don’t ride with strangers."
"Well get his signature," Lois said into the phone. "I won't take no for an answer." Flicking her eyes to Lex, she mouthed, "Get in now," and opened the door.
Lex rolled his eyes and climbed into the limo.
"I want it on my desk in an hour. Do it, or I'll have your balls. I'll make little earrings out of them." She smiled wickedly. "Bye."
"Classy," Lex drawled, pouring himself a drink.
Lois shrugged and tossed her phone aside. "One day I'll do it, you know. It'd be more fun than just destroying their lives like I usually do." She took the Scotch he offered her and took a sip. "So. I need you to get a hold of Superman for me."
Oh, everything that was holy, why him? "Lois my love, he's not doing your stupid bachelor auction, so don't even bother asking."
"First of all, how do you know he won't do it? It's for charity, after all, and he's got that whole helping the weak thing going on. Why wouldn’t he do this?"
"Because he's not a piece of meat and it's beneath his dignity?"
"Then why won't you do it?"
Lex bolted back his drink. "Because I'm not single. I’m engaged to be married, and it'd be in poor taste."
"I’m sure Ken could spare you for one night."
"No, Clark could not. Besides, I really don't want to. End of subject."
"Fine. I'll just talk to Ken and convince him he wants to do it. Then you'll have to." She took another demure sip. "Anyway, that's not why I want to talk to Superman, anyway. It's just, I was in the shower this morning, and suddenly it hit me that Superman needs his own action figure."
Lex tried to make the mental leap from shower to action figure and failed. "I beg your pardon?"
Lois sighed and set her drink down. "I was in the shower, thinking of Superman?" she prompted. "Playing with my *toys*?"
"Got it. So sorry I asked." Although, historically, Lex had been very fond of Lois's toys. They were many and varied and she used them in very imaginative ways. "Action figures."
"Yes. Can't you imagine? Small, pose-able figures, and larger statue-like ones. You know action figures better than I do. I mean, you collect figures of that Warrior Devil guy."
"Warrior Angel," he corrected tersely. "Since when do you make toys?"
"I bought out ToyPro three months ago. I get seventy percent of the profits from Warrior Devil and other action figure toy... things. It's a very lucrative business, and as I was going over the portfolios lately, I couldn't help but think what great exposure it would give Superman. Children and weirdo-freaks collecting little toy-things that looked like him. Maybe they'd come with trading cards, detailing his exploits. If he ever gets any enemies, we could trademark them too."
"He wont' do it," Lex said. "It's cheesy, it's egotistical, he doesn't want that exposure, and the last thing he wants to do is let Lane Enterprises make a profit from him."
Her expression grew frosty, and her blue eyes narrowed. "Let me ask him, Lex. I have methods of persuasion that can't even imagine."
"Like what?"
Lois stretched languidly, mussing her hair as she did. When she lowered her hands, she inched her skirt up her thigh and smiled at him. "I'm still open to mother the next generations of Kryptonians. And whatever other needs he might have."
Lex leaned forward, jaw set. "He won't go for you, Lois."
"He won't?" she asked, mimicking Lex's pose. "And how do you know?"
"You're not his type."
The red lips curved and the tip of her tongue touched her bottom lip lightly. "What would you know about his type, my darling?"
"When I met him, he flew me to California. He was very excited; I could feel it. His lips nuzzled against the nape of my neck, and his fingers made love to mine. It remains to this day the most erotic experience I've ever had in my life."
She leaned forward as well, noses mere inches apart. "It's possible that it's been so long since you've been properly laid that you can't what's erotic anymore." She traced his face. "I've told you this before, Lex. Superman is straight. He's from an advanced race, and there's no way that he'd get into a relationship without the possibility of being able to procreate." Her fingers played along his bottom lip. "And if I'm wrong, and if he does want you, that doesn't mean there isn't room for both of us in his bed. He is, after all, Superman."
He saw her move before he realized what was going on, and by the time she did move, it was too late. Lois was on him, mouth hungrily plundering his. Her fingernails dug into the side of his face, and her skirt road up on her thighs as she straddled him. Her hips moved rhythmically as she ground against him.
"Lois," he croaked, ripping his mouth away, but Lois was nothing if not aggressive.
"God, I need you," she gasped, hand fumbling at his belt. "It's been so long." Teeth sank into his neck and tugged; the dull pain shot through is body, bruise forming under her unrelenting mouth.
When her hand found his cock, she jerked in surprise. "What's wrong?" She squeezed it, eliciting no response. "Lex?"
"Get off me," he growled, humiliated. He shoved her off him forcefully.
Taken off guard, Lois fell to the floor, legs askew, hair falling over her face. Her skin was flushed, mouth swollen, and eyes glazed with passion.
"I can't, Lois," he said sharply, straightening his clothing. "I'm engaged."
"To a man. I can't remember you ever being serious about men before. They were just good fucks. You always got involved with women."
"Things change." He wiped the lipstick off his lips with a handkerchief.
"What about Superman?"
"What does he have to do with anything?"
Lois climbed back onto her seat, tugging at her dress. "I’m offering you a chance to be in a relationship with both me and Superman. If he's attracted to you, then we all win. And, if not, then at least you have me, too."
This was so fucked up. "I have Clark." And Superman. "And I'm not interested in playing second fiddle." He sighed and tucked the handkerchief away. "I'll talk to Superman about the action figures, but understand that he probably won't be interested unless the proceeds go to charity."
She arched an eyebrow. "I'll negotiate with him about that. Just get him to come to me."
"Sure," Lex said, leaning his head against the back of his seat. "I'll do that."
TBC
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Lex started his search for a psychologist he might feel comfortable around the next day. He was somewhat less than optimistic about his chances. The whole idea of therapy made him very uncomfortable. Talking about his life with a stranger was his worst nightmare. So much of his life had been exposed painfully to the public already, Lex did what he could to hide the rest. And now Clark wanted him to *talk* about it all.
But that wasn't fair, either. Lex knew this was the right thing to do. This depression thing had gotten way beyond his control, and he needed help.
Unfortunately, on his quest for a doctor, Lex unearthed the name of one Dr. Garner and was sidetracked for days. Dr. Garner wasn't a psychologist or a psychiatrist, so he wasn't what Lex needed, but he *was* connected to the Sommerholt Institute and was therefore under suspicion.
Dr. Garner's record was spotty at best. He was brilliant in his field, but his methods were not only considered unorthodox, but dangerous. He'd killed at least one boy with his barely legal experimentation, had damaged countless others, and still managed to avoid having his license taken away. Prior to Lois investing in Sommerholt, Garner had been put on probation, and then suspended; now, he was head of research.
Ten to one, he was working with Kryptonite. Lex knew Lois hadn't stopped playing with the pretty green rocks, and Garner had a history in Smallville that preceded Clark. According to the records Lex unearthed, Garner had somehow gotten a hold of a piece of Kryptonite about five years before he first crossed paths with Clark. Soon, he was using it exclusively in his research. Until Clark exposed Garner's unethical experiments on Ryan James, no one had paid too much attention to what the good doctor had been doing. After, he'd come under too much scrutiny and the research had been set aside.
The combination of Lois and Garner set all sorts of alarms off in his head. Enough so that it took four days to get serious about looking for a psychologist. And then only because Clark threatened to burn whatever it was he was researching.
Lex couldn’t bring himself to reveal what he was looking at to Clark. One, it would cause too much pain to bring up the almost-little brother Clark had lost. Two.... Well, there was no two. No *good* two. The fact was, Lex wasn't sure if he was working on a story or just gathering information on Lois. Either way, until he knew he had a story or a problem, he wanted to do this on his own.
After much deliberation and a consultation with the physician who'd prescribed Lex's anti-depressants, Lex finally decided on a woman named Dr. Emily Pascal. She was a young doctor, but considered an expert in her field. Lex read a few of her papers on depression and bipolar disorders and, even with his limited knowledge of psychology, had been impressed by her insights.
Lex's doctor had also recommended a male psychologist, but Lex hadn't bothered looking into his background and records at all. It was uncomfortable enough going to a male physician. Lex hated being poked and prodded, but it was a little more tolerable when the person doing so was female.
It'd be worse with having to bare his soul to a man. To anyone, really, but he didn't feel as harshly judged by women, Lois notwithstanding. But, the truth was, except for Clark and Perry, he just didn’t feel safe around men. He didn't know if it was because of Lionel, or all the men who'd beaten and abused him along the way, or if it was just cultural conditioning that told him men would scorn him for being vulnerable and women wouldn’t. And, in the end, it didn't really matter. The fact remained that, if he was going to sit in a room and talk about himself, it had to be a woman.
Dr. Pascal agreed to meet both him and Clark on a Wednesday afternoon about three weeks after Lex had agreed to start therapy. It'd been Lex who insisted they go to work that day, but he'd spent most of the day staring at the screen, mind frozen with indecision and panic. He'd only written half the article he'd been assigned by the time it was time to leave. Neither Clark or Perry allowed him to use it as an excuse to cancel the appointment, so, at two-thirty, Lex found himself sitting across a thin, blonde woman, his heart pounding in his throat.
"So," Dr. Pascal said after introductions and pleasantries had been exchanged. "Why don't we get started?"
"Okay," Lex said, shifting uncomfortably. He glanced at Clark, who was sitting next to him, hand tucked in his. Lex had insisted that, at least for the first visit, they go together. Licking his lips, he looked back at the doctor. "What do you want me to say?"
"Why don't you start out by telling me why you're here?"
"I'm depressed."
She raised her eyebrows and looked at him, waiting for more.
Lex looked at Clark.
Clark shrugged.
Oh, right. This was *Lex's* problem, not Clark's. Which meant Lex had to talk about it.
Why had he agreed to come again?
"My doctor says that I'm clinically depressed," he finally said, jaw tight. "There's something wrong with my brain chemistry or something, and, sometimes, I get these really overwhelming periods of darkness when I can't do anything. I can't be happy." He swallowed and looked back at her. "It's been happening a lot more in the last year. I'll be okay, and then, I'll crash. I go through cycles of about, what? Every three months?" he asked Clark.
"Yeah. About that," Clark answered. "He made it all through summer with only a couple rough patches, but as soon as October hit, he crashed again." Clark draped his arm over his shoulder and then took Lex's hand again.
Dr. Pascal wrote something down. A strand of hair fell out of her braid and across her face. "I see. You said it's increasing in the last year. Do you think there's any particular reason?"
"Yeah, I guess. About nine months ago I found out that the man I thought was my father isn't, and the man who has, for one reason or another, made me very uncomfortable my whole life, is."
She didn't blink, didn't react, didn't seem to think that it was all that out of the ordinary. Lex knew that this woman had to know who his father was; everyone did. But she didn't seem to care. All she said was, "Well, yes, I can see how that might do it. Finding something that important out must have been very traumatic."
Lex just shrugged. "I guess."
Dr. Pascal inclined her head, studying him. He waited for her to say something, but instead, she turned to Clark. "And you're Lex's partner, right?"
"Yes," Clark said, sitting a little straighter. "His fiancee, actually. We just got engaged."
"Congratulations," she said, smiling warmly. "How long have you been together?"
"Little less than a year," Lex said, fidgeting.
Her expression changed minutely. "I see. And, I assume you're living together?"
Lex sighed, guessing what she was going to say. "Yes. We've been living together a little less than a year. We also work together, but you *had* to have known that," he said sharply.
"You seem defensive, Lex," she said, her voice even and soft.
"You're judging my relationship," he told her, anger rising. "You're going to say that it's no wonder that I'm so fucked up, that I moved too quickly into a relationship, especially after finding out something as huge as my real father is a crime lord and my asshole father killed my baby brother."
She blinked, looking a little overwhelmed. However, she recovered quickly and said, "Lex, I'm not judging you. That's not why I'm here. That's not why *you're* here. At this point, I'm not qualified to make any comments on your relationship. If I had to guess, I'd say that you two were moving into something serious before you found out about your paternity, Clark moved in to help you get through your initial reactions to it, and then stayed."
"Yes, Doctor," Clark said, putting his arm around Lex. "That's pretty much what happened. It also helped that my apartment was practically condemned anyway, and I spent a lot of time at his place before. It made the most sense for me to move in with him." He squeezed Lex gently. "I knew we were going to last, and Lex was at least willing to indulge the idea."
"I think that's good. It's must have been a great source of comfort and support for Lex to have you there. Lex?"
"What?" he snapped. This wasn't going to work.
"Lex, I'm not judging you. But I do think that you have some issues with the way your relationship progressed. Not that you have regrets, but is it possible that there's something bothering you?"
Lex could feel Clark freeze. Shit. Oh, God, this wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to hurt Clark, he didn't want to lose Clark. He didn't...
"I'm going to step outside," Clark said, pulling away. "I think that maybe it would be easier for you to talk, Lex, if you weren't worried about me."
"No, I..." But he didn't know how to finish that sentence. Talking about this in front of Clark would hurt; he'd be too worried about Clark's reaction to be able to say anything. Not that he knew that he might say. He just knew it hurt.
"We don’t have to talk about this now," Dr. Pascal said after the silence had dragged on for too long. "It's just our first session, and, Clark, you're right, it might be easier for both of you if Lex and I were alone. If, Lex, you want to keep talking on this subject, we can. If it makes you uncomfortable, we can move on to another subject and come back to this at another time.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Lex said.
"Then we won't." She made a note on the pad of paper in front of her. "Let's talk about why you're here. Tell me what you want to get out of these sessions."
Stupid question. "I don't want to be depressed anymore."
"That's reasonable. But you do realize that I can't solve anything for you. It's going to take work on your part. It's not just you coming in and talking either. I'm going to ask you to do things that might make you uncomfortable or upset, or even more depressed. But everything I ask will help you develop new habits and new ways of thinking to help you deal with the depression."
"And that’s not going to go away," Clark said.
Dr. Pascal bobbed her head from side to side. "Not exactly, no. You're always going to have a tendency towards depression. But what we're going to do is help you learn the signs and, more importantly, learn what to do to stop you from getting too depressed. And Clark, you and I will learn talk about what you can do to help Lex without making him dependent on you."
Clark nodded and put his arm around Lex. "All right." He glanced at Lex. "Do you want to do this?"
He sighed and rested his forehead against Clark. "Do I have a choice?" he asked softly. Very technically, he did. He could say no, say he wasn't comfortable with her, that he wanted to find someone else. He could stretch this thing out forever, until after they were married, and just let Clark take care of him.
Of course, that wouldn’t work. Sooner or later, Lex *knew* Clark was going to mention children, and there was no way Lex could raise a child if he refused to get out of bed every few months.
Not that he wanted children, but still.
"Fine," he said, pulling away. "Let's give this a try."
Dr. Pascal smiled. "All right. For the rest of the session today, I'm going to teach you an exercise for you to do when you start to get overwhelmed."
Lex groaned internally, but submitted to the exercise. It made him feel as if he were some hippie flower child, and he could hear his father--Lionel, not Morgan--in the back of his mind, taunting him and his weakness. But, at the end of the session, he did feel a little calmer, and when Dr. Pascal gave him his assignment, he didn't immediately get defensive.
That waited until he and Clark hit the street.
"So," Clark said when they were outside. His eyes closed and head tipped to the sun, as if the hour inside had been just too much for him and he'd die without soaking up some of the rays. "That wasn't so bad."
A question, not a statement. Lex pulled a cigarette from his case and lit it before answering. "I guess not." He tucked the lighter back into his pocket. "No one said there'd be homework."
Clark hooked his arm around Lex's neck and kissed him on the head. "Make a list of everything you feel when you think of Morgan? Come on. You can do that in your sleep."
"You did him in your sleep," Lex said moodily.
"No, I was always awake. Sorry to disillusion you." Stepping around so he was facing Lex, Clark cupped the back of his neck. "It won't be that bad. You’re a writer, after all, and it's free association."
"I do my best never to think about Morgan. I don't like the way I feel when I do." He sucked on the cigarette and held the smoke in his lungs.
Clark head tilted, a thoughtful expression on his face. "It's just, repression makes you angrier. Because it's still there, simmering until you explode."
He exhaled a stream of smoke. "Depression is anger turned inward," he said. "Jennifer White told me that about two years ago. She was trying to get me to see a psychologist."
"Getting the anger out through writing is a step in the right direction."
"I guess." He took another puff. "Look, you should go home. I need to be alone."
Clark looked worried. "You okay?"
"I'm going to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes, what do you think?" Lex snapped.
"I think everything pizza and Butterfinger-chunk ice cream when you get home?"
Lex smiled. "Appeasing me with junk food. I like it." He kissed Clark. "See you later."
"I love you."
"Me too." He turned and walked away, deep in thought.
The session hadn't been bad. After that uncomfortable moment about moving in with Clark (and Lex *really* didn't want to admit how conflicted he was about the timing, even if he was happy with the results), the session had gone smoothly. She was a nice woman, he felt mildly comfortable around her, and the office was soothing.
And yet, he felt so... exposed even being in there. Vulnerable. It was hard talking about these things with Clark; to be expected to reveal himself to a complete stranger was terrifying.
He couldn't do this. It was too much. He didn't want to.
But, he'd promised Clark and, deep inside, he really was tired of the darkness inside him. He wanted to feel again.
The first cigarette was gone. Tossing it aside, he lit another. Thank God smoking didn't junk up his lungs; he could thank the meteors for that. And, no, it wasn't as if he didn't have a million other vices, but, God, Lex *loved* smoking.
He probably got that from his father. Morgan always smoked. Except...
Lex gasped and grabbed onto the side of a building. For a dizzying moment, he could see Morgan holding a baby outside in the garden. The grass was scratchy under Lex's feet, and his hands were sticky with melted ice cream. Morgan was smiling at him, holding out a paper napkin, Julian tucked under one arm. He was dressed casually, in jeans and a blue shirt with a diaper thrown over his shoulder. A bottle was on the bench near where they were sitting.
He blinked rapidly as the memory faded. God, he remembered that day. Dad had been out of town for the weekend on business, and Mom had just wanted to sleep. Lex had spent the morning inside reading until Morgan had suggested they go into the garden.
They'd played ball. Sort of. Morgan had a baseball and gloves with him and when Julian had finally stopped crying, he'd taught Lex to play catch. That had been the year when Lex was being harassed during gym for having no athletic ability whatsoever.
He'd forgotten that, while Lionel had ordered Lex to be a man, it'd been Morgan who'd arranged fencing, boxing lessons for him, and gotten him involved in team sports.
A loud honk startled him out of his thoughts. He dropped his cigarette and turned to see a limousine pulling up to the curb.
"Lex," Lois called through the window. "Get in." She was on the phone, and after her order, went back to talking.
He smirked and pushed himself away from the wall. His legs were shaky beneath him, but he managed to make it to the limo without stumbling. "Sorry, lady, but I don’t ride with strangers."
"Well get his signature," Lois said into the phone. "I won't take no for an answer." Flicking her eyes to Lex, she mouthed, "Get in now," and opened the door.
Lex rolled his eyes and climbed into the limo.
"I want it on my desk in an hour. Do it, or I'll have your balls. I'll make little earrings out of them." She smiled wickedly. "Bye."
"Classy," Lex drawled, pouring himself a drink.
Lois shrugged and tossed her phone aside. "One day I'll do it, you know. It'd be more fun than just destroying their lives like I usually do." She took the Scotch he offered her and took a sip. "So. I need you to get a hold of Superman for me."
Oh, everything that was holy, why him? "Lois my love, he's not doing your stupid bachelor auction, so don't even bother asking."
"First of all, how do you know he won't do it? It's for charity, after all, and he's got that whole helping the weak thing going on. Why wouldn’t he do this?"
"Because he's not a piece of meat and it's beneath his dignity?"
"Then why won't you do it?"
Lex bolted back his drink. "Because I'm not single. I’m engaged to be married, and it'd be in poor taste."
"I’m sure Ken could spare you for one night."
"No, Clark could not. Besides, I really don't want to. End of subject."
"Fine. I'll just talk to Ken and convince him he wants to do it. Then you'll have to." She took another demure sip. "Anyway, that's not why I want to talk to Superman, anyway. It's just, I was in the shower this morning, and suddenly it hit me that Superman needs his own action figure."
Lex tried to make the mental leap from shower to action figure and failed. "I beg your pardon?"
Lois sighed and set her drink down. "I was in the shower, thinking of Superman?" she prompted. "Playing with my *toys*?"
"Got it. So sorry I asked." Although, historically, Lex had been very fond of Lois's toys. They were many and varied and she used them in very imaginative ways. "Action figures."
"Yes. Can't you imagine? Small, pose-able figures, and larger statue-like ones. You know action figures better than I do. I mean, you collect figures of that Warrior Devil guy."
"Warrior Angel," he corrected tersely. "Since when do you make toys?"
"I bought out ToyPro three months ago. I get seventy percent of the profits from Warrior Devil and other action figure toy... things. It's a very lucrative business, and as I was going over the portfolios lately, I couldn't help but think what great exposure it would give Superman. Children and weirdo-freaks collecting little toy-things that looked like him. Maybe they'd come with trading cards, detailing his exploits. If he ever gets any enemies, we could trademark them too."
"He wont' do it," Lex said. "It's cheesy, it's egotistical, he doesn't want that exposure, and the last thing he wants to do is let Lane Enterprises make a profit from him."
Her expression grew frosty, and her blue eyes narrowed. "Let me ask him, Lex. I have methods of persuasion that can't even imagine."
"Like what?"
Lois stretched languidly, mussing her hair as she did. When she lowered her hands, she inched her skirt up her thigh and smiled at him. "I'm still open to mother the next generations of Kryptonians. And whatever other needs he might have."
Lex leaned forward, jaw set. "He won't go for you, Lois."
"He won't?" she asked, mimicking Lex's pose. "And how do you know?"
"You're not his type."
The red lips curved and the tip of her tongue touched her bottom lip lightly. "What would you know about his type, my darling?"
"When I met him, he flew me to California. He was very excited; I could feel it. His lips nuzzled against the nape of my neck, and his fingers made love to mine. It remains to this day the most erotic experience I've ever had in my life."
She leaned forward as well, noses mere inches apart. "It's possible that it's been so long since you've been properly laid that you can't what's erotic anymore." She traced his face. "I've told you this before, Lex. Superman is straight. He's from an advanced race, and there's no way that he'd get into a relationship without the possibility of being able to procreate." Her fingers played along his bottom lip. "And if I'm wrong, and if he does want you, that doesn't mean there isn't room for both of us in his bed. He is, after all, Superman."
He saw her move before he realized what was going on, and by the time she did move, it was too late. Lois was on him, mouth hungrily plundering his. Her fingernails dug into the side of his face, and her skirt road up on her thighs as she straddled him. Her hips moved rhythmically as she ground against him.
"Lois," he croaked, ripping his mouth away, but Lois was nothing if not aggressive.
"God, I need you," she gasped, hand fumbling at his belt. "It's been so long." Teeth sank into his neck and tugged; the dull pain shot through is body, bruise forming under her unrelenting mouth.
When her hand found his cock, she jerked in surprise. "What's wrong?" She squeezed it, eliciting no response. "Lex?"
"Get off me," he growled, humiliated. He shoved her off him forcefully.
Taken off guard, Lois fell to the floor, legs askew, hair falling over her face. Her skin was flushed, mouth swollen, and eyes glazed with passion.
"I can't, Lois," he said sharply, straightening his clothing. "I'm engaged."
"To a man. I can't remember you ever being serious about men before. They were just good fucks. You always got involved with women."
"Things change." He wiped the lipstick off his lips with a handkerchief.
"What about Superman?"
"What does he have to do with anything?"
Lois climbed back onto her seat, tugging at her dress. "I’m offering you a chance to be in a relationship with both me and Superman. If he's attracted to you, then we all win. And, if not, then at least you have me, too."
This was so fucked up. "I have Clark." And Superman. "And I'm not interested in playing second fiddle." He sighed and tucked the handkerchief away. "I'll talk to Superman about the action figures, but understand that he probably won't be interested unless the proceeds go to charity."
She arched an eyebrow. "I'll negotiate with him about that. Just get him to come to me."
"Sure," Lex said, leaning his head against the back of his seat. "I'll do that."
TBC
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Lois
Date: 2004-09-04 12:32 am (UTC)Re: Lois
Date: 2004-09-04 11:02 am (UTC)Yes, well, right now, Lex isn't as vengful and strong as he normally is. He just sort of let's things happen to him. It's probably the only reason Lois will leave that limo in one piece... lucky for her.
However, Clark might not be so understanding. :P
Please, whatever happens
Date: 2004-09-04 12:54 am (UTC)And I hope we're coming back to the Sommerholt stuff. Well done little aside that has me hoping for more. Lex has such a good heart wanting to protect Clark from further hurt memories of Ryan.
This was a great chapter. Very nicely detailed with the doctor. I enjoyed that. I also adored Clark getting how Lex might freak talking in front of him and understood his own discomforts too.
Poor Lex, I just keep wanting to hug him to pieces. I also like how his memories of Morgan as dad to Julian and himself are coming back.
This was very intriguing, as always.
I'm impressed, what with the stress of school, that you got this written at all and I'm very glad you feel inspired to continue it.
**hugs**
Re: Please, whatever happens
Date: 2004-09-04 11:07 am (UTC)Don't worry. Communication seem to be their strong point in this story. Besides, Lois bit him; that's going to show. Even Lex isn't talented enough to giv himself a hicky. :P
And I hope we're coming back to the Sommerholt stuff. Well done little aside that has me hoping for more. Lex has such a good heart wanting to protect Clark from further hurt memories of Ryan.
We will. I've had a vague plan since realzing how much Lex has forgotten that involves Sommerholt. We'll see if I can work it in right to my satisfaction.
And Lex does have such a good heart. They love each other so much. *sigh*
I'm impressed, what with the stress of school, that you got this written at all and I'm very glad you feel inspired to continue it.
*laughs tiredly* Yeah, well, we'll see what happens next week. I'm hoping to set aside an hour a day for just me and writing, but I might get caught up online on my "break". But, again, if I'm inspired, I'll do weekends. And, if not, I can finish the fic next year, right? ;)
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Date: 2004-09-04 02:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-04 11:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-05 06:13 am (UTC)I know and appreciate that very much! But the journey toward that happy end is still full of delicious angst and suspense. It's really good that you are such a fast writer, so I will know soon, what happens next.
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Date: 2004-09-04 06:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-04 11:09 am (UTC)Thank you. It'll be a rough journey, but it should end up with smiles. :)
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Date: 2004-09-04 06:52 am (UTC)<3 this sequel!!!
please let lex tell clark about lois right away!
please!!!!!
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Date: 2004-09-04 11:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-04 07:03 am (UTC)The shrinkage is really good.
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Date: 2004-09-04 11:13 am (UTC)Oh, I adore her too. She's just so blithely dense, but so brilliantly in control of everything. It's so much fun to write her.
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Date: 2004-09-04 11:30 am (UTC)I know Lois from the comics (of the 1960s) and a bit from the movies, and I found both versions really irritating, so this Lois seems like a nicely in-character AU to me -- still tactless, still not-so-observant-really, still living in her own head half the time.
But how much do I like her calling Clark "Ken"? ***THIS*** much. hee hee hee hee hee
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Date: 2004-09-04 06:07 pm (UTC)Not really. I've only seen the movies and little of Lois and Clark. I can't stand Terrie Hatcher, so I did my best to ignore her when she was onscreen. The first time I saw the movies, I liked her, the second time I dodn't like her as much, so this Lois is basically my invention. She's a bit what I'd hoped Victoria would be, but wasn't. This Lois is a lot smarter than she actually appears, but is still a little blindsided by hubris and self-absorbtion. She's just so much fun to write.
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Eagerly awaiting more.
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Date: 2004-09-04 11:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-04 07:37 am (UTC)Oh, the suspense!! Love eeeet!!
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Date: 2004-09-04 11:15 am (UTC)Yay! I'll try not to keep the suspense up for much longer, though. BUt I make no promises. :)
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Date: 2004-09-04 10:04 am (UTC)My regards to the LLAR 2 muses.*g*
I particularly like how the tone of this section addresses Lex's issues in rather matter-of-fact way.
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Date: 2004-09-04 11:17 am (UTC)My regards to the LLAR 2 muses.*g*
They thank you for your regards. :)
I particularly like how the tone of this section addresses Lex's issues in rather matter-of-fact way.
Thanks! I'm trying ot keep it all as real as possible and deal with it in a way that will help Lex the most.
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Date: 2004-09-04 10:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-05 01:01 pm (UTC)Self-deluded and absorbed is more accurate. Lois really is a sharp cookie, and she knows more about what's goign on than she lets on, but, eevn so, tehre are just some things she can't see because it's too far outside of herself.
I also liked the flashbacks Lex is having about Morgan when he was young.
Thanks. There should be more where that came from, too. :)
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Date: 2004-09-05 11:08 am (UTC)Lois is so evil. And so dead..wonder what supes will do to her.
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Date: 2004-09-05 01:02 pm (UTC)I love playing with canon. It makes me feel like a magician or something, manipulating it to make it fit my needs. :)
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Date: 2004-09-05 01:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-05 12:37 pm (UTC)Thanks for posting this! I'm looking forward to the next part!
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Date: 2004-09-12 09:41 am (UTC)For example, when he tells Lois why he thinks Supes wouldn't be interested in her, I can't help but wonder if Lois is reading into the description an assertion that Lex is more interested in Superman than Clark.
That's a really interesting point! She probably would, too, and then try to work it ot her advantage. :)
Love that I haven't been able to predict what will happen.
Me too,. :P
Thanks for the comments! Again, sorry it took me so long to replay.
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Date: 2004-09-12 11:53 pm (UTC)I don't suppose you're going to have Lucas in this fic, are you?