So fucking bored so ... a question

[serafina20]

If someone defriends you out of the blue and you dont' know why (that is, you haven't exchanged any words with this person that you feel would precipitate an unfriending) do you defriend them back? When? Why?

Comments

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't comment a whole lot, so that doesn't really factor into my equation. My philosophy is always, if I enjoy reading their posts, it doesn't matter to me if they've got me friended or not. Their interest in me doesn't dictate my interest in them. The rule, of course, does not apply if it's a friend's locked journal.

[spiderine.livejournal.com]

*looks shifty* Wasn't me! Wasn't me! :)

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm not accusing anyone. ;) I just was wondering idly. Once I defriended someone over a spoiler policy, and I thought the two of us got along otherwise; I was defriended back within minutes, so it sparked my curiosity.

[goth-clark.livejournal.com]

The first time I was defriended the person's LJ was friends locked which meant I had no choice but to defriend since I couldn't read their LJ anyway so now I just defriend back.

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

Friends locked journals are a different matter, of course. I'll defriend in that case. Otherwise, if I'm defriended, I ask myself if I still am interested in this person's journal or not. Most of the time, I still am, so I don't see why I should take them off my reading list just because they take me off theirs.

[luvmax1.livejournal.com]

Two people defriended me out of the blue, I have no idea why. I defriended one, left the other alone. I'm not even sure why I reacted like I did, but you know what? Being defriended hurt. I kept wondering what I did wrong.

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

I kept wondering what I did wrong.

But that's the thing: I think that 7 times out of 10, it has nothing to do with someone doing something wrong or not. They're just not reading your journal, or they don't have time and don't want to set up filters. If you enjoy reading their journal, why take them off their list simply because they dont' read yours?

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

I kick 'em to the curb. I tend to take it personally, even when that's patently illogical. And, despite having actually accidentally deleted people that I waned to keep around myself during a long-ago mass purging, I usually don't believe the "oh it was an accident" reasoning that gets offered. So I simply enjoy my little vindictive moment and banish them from my life.

Of course, since I'm not locked, they can continue to read me, but it's the principle of the thing...

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

If there's something going on in fandom where I'm particuarlly active, and I'm defriended, I might get a little upset. If it's someone I interact with (in real life or on LJ) and I'm taken off, it might hurt a little, but I still ask myself if I enjoy reading their journal. If I still do, and still plan to drop by, I don't see any reason to defriend them. It's probably not personal and, if it is, it's going to annoy them a lot more if I don't defriend them than if I do.

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

It does bother me much more if it's someone I've had what I thought were positive interactions with. There have been a few occasions of people I've done minor fannish "favors" for defriending me without any warning, and that does really piss me off.

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I understand that. And I do get where you're coming from. I just know that sometimes,when I defriend,it's not anything personal, it's just a lack of interest or time in that particular journal.

[ellenore.livejournal.com]

No. Most of the people on my friends' list are people who I think are intersting and who I want to read, but not, you know, actual friends. Plus, I'm pretty boring, so I could understnd people wanting to unfriend me. :)

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

No. Most of the people on my friends' list are people who I think are intersting and who I want to read, but not, you know, actual friends.

That's generally my philosophy. Sometimes, if I'm defriended, I'll think about whether I really want to read their journal, or if I was just keeping them on my list because I was too lazy to take off. If that's the case, I'll take them off as well, but I don't consider most of the people on my list my friends in the traditional sense.

[wanderlustlover]

Wow. See I have drastically different views on this.

I personally try not to care about the whole friending defreinding process. I know on my journal right now I have about ten or twenty people who read me, but I don't read them. But I also have about thirty or forty (adding in fanon, ect) that I read that don't read me back.

Someone said something about commenting above. I think commenting is a free thing. It should be done on journals your just reading with being read back fi you want. The fact that it's out there to be read means opinions are wlecome or the comments code woudl be off. I actually get amused or more intruiged by people when the random ones or someone who found me leaves a comment.

Personally I believe that defreinding usually does come down to a few things no matter who's doing it. A) they don't have the time to read, B) their just not interested anymore or C)the journal goes dead. And these things I can't hold against anyone really and I hope they don't get held against me.

I have no problem reading people who don't read me, or who have priorly defriended me. Sometimes it hurts to be defriended if you know them in real life, have known them a long time, or it happens during some kind of fight. But the truth of the matter is what they do in terms of reading your journal shoudln't effect whether your reading them.

If you were reading them because you wanted to stay in touch with their lives, their writing, their thoughts and such, them defriending you shouldn't really matter. Because you can still read their live, thoughts and writing. Because what had you there originally was these things, not solely the fact they added you so you had to add them back.

But then I have the same basis on adding people, too. I don't add people just because they add me. I'll usually go read the journal and find out if it interests me to be reading about their lives, their jobs and SO's, their random thoughts at 3 or 4 in the morning. If I'm interested in following them I add, if not, I don't.

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

I have no problem reading people who don't read me, or who have priorly defriended me.

There are people on my list who I *never* expected to friend me back. I put them on my list because I enjoy reading what they have to say about things, usually about Smallville or fandom. Sometimes, they don't friend me back, and that's cool. Sometimes, they do, and I get nevous. And sometimes, they friend me only to take me off later, and i figure that they just aren't interested in all my millions of non-fandom related posts.

I'm with you on the commenting. I like it when people I don't know randomly comment in my journal. If someone doesn't want me intheirs, they can block me or friends lock the journal. So long as they don't, I figure I"m still "allowed" to add my two (polite) cents.

[wanderlustlover]

Exactly! I have people in different fandoms I follow for their writing in things from Alias, to Babylon 5, to harry Potter, to Smallville. I love their styles or their storylines, but I don't expect them to ever friend me realy.

I get especially nervous when I write something, and then suddenly one of the people I read for their stories suddenly adds me. It makes me get a big head and a sudden case of writing jitters all at once, till i put it out of my head. Had that recently with another SV writer, too.

And I agree on the commenting thing. Because until I friends lock my journal or my comments thing, I'm welcoming anyone anywhere of any mind to give me their opinion on my posts, my writing, and my thoughts.

I guess I look at other people that way, too. I go look for random journals every once in a while, and even though i don't keep all of them, I post a comment to a few if I think I have some advice, want to say congrats, or squee over an icon.

I think random comments can be like surprise hugs. And sometimes people just need those.

[acampbell.livejournal.com]

If it's someone I've exchanged comments with and I have no idea why they've done it, I usually email them and ask why. If I receive no answer, yeah, I'll defriend them, because it hurts my feelings. If I get an explanation, any explanation, that helps a bit: at least I know why. I usually defriend them, though, because to me LJ is a reciprocal thing, and if someone has pretty much declared they're not interested in me, I have to be pretty darn interested in them to keep them on.

I can accept that everyone has a right to manage their own LJ, but I think defriending and then not letting a person know WHY when they inquire is quite cold.

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

I've never asked anyone why I've been defriended, nor have I been asked. I'd answer if I was, and I think it's rude if someone doesn't, but, again, to me, their presence on my list has nothing to do with my presence on theirs. They're there because I've decided I like reading their posts and I'll only remove them if I don't want to read them anymore.

[acampbell.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you did this post, because I always enjoy reading the friending philosophy and practices of others!