Forgot about this one

[serafina20]

It's another Wesley/Lindsey fic, set between seasons 1 and 2. Again, the problem with this was not making Wesley too weak, which I have a tendency to do. It's a bit of a cliche fic, I think.



The headache had been pressing behind Wesley's eyes since the end of June. It was persistent and just dull enough for him to ignore … for a few minutes at a time. He was able to read … for an hour or two. And pain killers worked, but not well enough.

Wesley was tired of pain. He was tired of the fight. He as tired of listening to Cordelia natter on, or Angel, sitting in his glow of self-contentment, talk about this person or that they had saved.

Wesley was exhausted physically and mentally and no one seemed to care.

"Well," he said, rising and stretching his back. "I'm going to go home."

Cordelia and Angel looked up from the T.V.

"So soon?" Cordelia asked, checking her watch. "It's only seven."

Rubbing his eyes, Wesley nodded and marked the page he was reading. "I'm not making much progress on the research tonight, and it should keep. I'll do more tomorrow."

"Wes, we're trying to help people here. We have to be, you know, selfless," Angel told him.

Ever since Wesley had figured out that Angel would become human as a reward, Angel had been diligent in his task. Of course, he only fought; he left the research for Wesley.

"Yes, I know," Wesley sighed. "But I can't do this tonight." A heavy feeling invaded his stomach as his limbs turned to lead. "I have to go … and go."

Angel shrugged. "Ok. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah, bye Wes."

They both turned back to the television, dismissing Wesley.

Sighing, he left and found his motorcycle and roared off into the night.

* * *
"But … but I was told you could help me," Wesley said, feeling lost.

The green-skinned demon shrugged sympathetically. "All I do is give advice. I can't give you any answers. I really am sorry."

"And your advice is that I have sex?"

"Yeah, it's a kicker, ain't it? If only all our problems were so easily solved as yours."

Tears of pure frustration pressed behind Wesley's eyes. He removed his glasses and rubbed them wearily. "I don't understand how having sex is supposed to clear up my headache. One thing has nothing to do with the other. If it did, pain relievers would be much less prevalent and used only for pain other than headaches. Sex would be more socially accepted, and everyone in the world would be much, much happier."

"Yes, I agree."

Wesley put his glasses back on and looked at the Host of Caritas. "Then I don't understand. I'm … I'm quite ill. I feel as if … I don't even know how to explain it any more. My head aches, my stomach is to tight that haven't eaten for days, my skin is … stretched too thin over my body, my muscles hurt, and I … I'm emotionally a wreck."

The Host sighed. "Look, do I really have to explain this to you? Because I think you know what's going on."

"No. I don't! Just tell me!" Wesley shouted. Then, softer, he added, "_Please_."

"Look, you have a lot of magical potential. In fact, I've had a lot of wizards walk into this bar, and none of them have even have the raw power that you do. But you're not using it. You're spending all your time reading and fighting, and none doing magic. So everything is building up, and it's turned into a physical problem. Ah, now you remember something."

Biting his lower lip, Wesley shook his head. "No. I'm not that powerful."

"Right, kitten, and Elton John is a straight as a pair of parallel lines."

"If I'm as powerful as you say, then why hasn't this ever happened before? The Watcher's used to not allow me to do magic for long stretches at a time, and this never happened! And they didn't let me have sex until I was nineteen."

The Host grimaced. "Oh, honey, I am so sorry."

Brushing him off, Wesley demanded, "Why didn't it happen then?"

He shrugged. "Well, what was different then? You were trained by the Watchers, you read, researched, talk to them …"

"Cleaned weapons, catalogued everything, wrote papers, studied, played my violin, talked to …"

"What was the last?" the Host interrupted.

Blinking, he responded. "Violin. I played … for at least three hours a day before bed."

Nodding, the Host leaned against the table. "That's why you've never felt like this. Your violin. Music is very powerful magically. By playing, even when you're not actively doing magic, it flows through you. I bet they started you on it when you were very young, right?"

"Yes. I was three."

"They could sense your potential, and used the violin and a way to regulate you. There is nothing worse than a three year old wizard throwing a temper tantrum." He smiled, then turned serious. "Playing helps you control, and I'll bet that you haven't played for a long time."

Wesley sniffed. "It's been almost a year."

"And in that year, you regularly did magic, so you didn't get blocked. Now, however, you've stored, what, two months of power in you? And now you need to let it out, or it will kill you."

"Why can't I just do a spell? Start doing magic again?"

The Host sighed. "You can … but you better make sure you're far enough away from anyone that you don't kill or destroy them. From what I saw, you'd have to be at the very least one hundred and fifty miles from the nearest person. You're a time bomb, Wesley, and even the littlest spell will explode."

"How is having sex better? Won't I still explode?"

"I don’t understand the mechanics, but no. It's … gentler. Because sex has so many hills and valleys before the final production, so to speak. Unless you're with a wam-bam-thank-you-man kind of person. Then, you'd explode, and probably destroy them." The Host smiled conspiratorially. "Of course, in that case, they deserve it, don't they?"

Flushing hotly, Wesley hid his face, mumbling.

"What was that?"

"I don't have anyone," he said a bit louder, humiliation running through his every vein.

"No one?" the Host asked in disbelief. "Not that cute brunette I saw in you?"

"No."

"What about the vampire?"

"_No_."

The Host sighed. "No one," he mused, sounding amazed.

Wesley sat up. "I'm not the type of person who meets people. No one wants me and I …"

"No, kitten, don't say things like that. You are a gorgeous, beautiful, perfect man, and there are plenty of people of want you."

"Please, don't patronize me. This is hard enough as it is." He winced as his head gave a painful twinge and sniffed.

The Host's red eyes were incredulous. "You really don't know, do you?" He sighed and looked around the room. "I know this is embarrassing for you, but … do you want me to find someone?"

"_No!_"

"Wesley, if you don't take care of this problem, you will die. And, in dying, this world will lose a powerful player in the fight for the Powers that Be. They need you. Don't let yourself be killed because you've been conditioned and taught that sex is wrong."

"If they want me so badly, then why don't they send someone for me to sleep with? Why don’t they take care of this problem?" Wesley gazed squarely at the Host, one eyebrow raised. "Right now. Right here."

For a long moment, nothing happened. The noise of the bar continued to swirl around them, ignoring Wesley and his problems, just like always.

"I thought not," he said, getting ready to rise.

"Excuse me," a soft voice said behind him, freezing Wesley in place.

The Host raised his eyes. "Lindsey!" He was out of his seat in an instant. "I can't believe you're here. How have you been, baby doll? I've been worried. I heard what happened."

Lindsey cleared his throat. "I'm fine," he said, a gentle accent tingeing his words. "I was just wondering if you were free to give me a reading."

Taking a deep breath, Wesley rose and turned. He gazed up at Lindsey McDonald from beneath the fringe of his lashes. His cheeks were burning as he gazed at the handsome man, convinced that Lindsey had heard every word of the conversation and had come over to torment Wesley.

"I'll be going now," he said softly to the Host. "Thank you."

"Not so fast, kitten." The Host grabbed him by the arm. "You're not leaving until we take care of you're problem."

"No, really, it's all right. I," he choked, but managed to say, "I have some money, and …"

"What's the matter?" Lindsey asked, cradling his stub to his stomach.

Wesley felt faint. "Nothing. Please, let me go."

"No."

Wesley tugged his arm free violently, losing his balance. He fell into Lindsey, knocking them both to the floor.

As they fell, Lindsey reflexively put his arms around Wesley.

"No!" Wesley practically screamed, a bolt of electricity shooting through him as Lindsey's hand touched his back.

Lindsey's head cracked against the floor. "What the fuck is wrong!" he shouted, eyes shut against the pain.

"Wesley, calm down. It's all right," the Host put his hand on the back of Wesley's head, pushing him into the man beneath him.

Their skin touched, sending another bolt through Wesley. He stiffened and gasped, biting his lip so hard he drew blood.

"No, no, no," he moaned, trying to scramble off Lindsey. The Host held him in place. "It's wrong!"

"No, kitten, it's not."

"What," Lindsey gasped, hand threading through Wesley's short hair. "What's going on?" He pressed his cheek tighter into Wesley's, rubbing against him.

"Let me go!" Wesley managed to break free of the Host's hand, and pulled himself off Lindsey. His body screamed in protest as he did, but he fought against its desires as he always had.

"Wesley," the Host said, but Wesley cut him off.

"No. Not him! I refuse … I can't … They can't want me with him! It's wrong!" His arms crossed tightly over his chest.

Lindsey sat up, looking dazed. "Wesley?" He turned to the Host. "Lorne, what's going on? Why? No, Wesley, don't go."

Wesley's eyes filled with tears and he shook his head, but stopped his backward movement.

Rising, Lindsey rubbed the back of his head. "Please. Someone tell me what's going on. Stay, Wesley."

Lorne sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Wesley … needs release. He's gone without doing magic too long, and if he doesn't have sex soon, he's going to die. He wants to know why the Powers that Be don't send him someone to make him better if they want him so much – and they do – and then you came."

"No! They can't mean …"

"Why not?" Lindsey demanded, turning to Wesley. "Is it because I'm your enemy, or because I'm crippled? Because I'm evil? What?"

Wesley sniffed. "Any and all. And because …" He shook his head, nose beginning to bleed.

Looking disgusted, Lindsey plucked a napkin off the table and went to Wesley. Holding him in place with his right forearm, he firmly placed the napkin on Wesley's nose. The paper turned crimson from the blood flowing out steadily.

"What crap have you been fed, huh? You think homosexuality is evil? Wrong? What?"

Wesley shrugged. "It's not right."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. It just isn't. And they can't mean …"

"How do you know they can't mean it, Wesley? I mean, I'm getting some pretty clear signs here, and I don't want them either." He laughed, sounding bitter. "This is the first time I've left my apartment since Angel cut my hand off. I don't even know why I left, I just suddenly had to get out. And I didn't even mean to come here. I was going to a club downtown, and suddenly, I'm here. So I walk in to see Lorne, and there's you. And yes, you're my enemy, but, God. I just had to stop and stare at you." One finger brushed against Wesley's nose. "And then you touched me."

"Lindsey, no. Please."

"Wesley." Taking the napkin away, Lindsey leaned in and kissed Wesley gently.

His body stiffened at the contact, streaks of pleasure and fire burning through him. Moaning, he allowed Lindsey to sneak his tongue in, caressing his gently.

It felt so right. It felt better than anything ever had. It felt like …

Home.

He pushed Lindsey away. "No!"

"Why not?" Lindsey shouted, throwing the bloodstained napkin on the floor.

Lorne came up beside the lawyer. "Wesley, I really don't understand why you're so hesitant. He is what you asked for."

"He is _not_ what I asked for. I asked for a sign from the Powers that Be, not an unscrupulous lawyer from Wolfram and Hart! I don’t trust him! He proved that, without a doubt, he is untrustworthy, and you want me to sleep with him? Are you insane? I won't do it!"

Lindsey rubbed his eyes. "You can trust me with this."

"Why do you want this so badly?" Wesley demanded. "Why are you trying to convince me to fuck you? I don't understand."

"I don't know why, Wesley," Lindsey shot back, sounding furious. "I mean, besides the fact that I've _always_ wanted you, from the first moment I saw you, I don't know. I just know …" He sighed, leaning against the table. "I just know I'm supposed to. That it's meant to be."

Wesley snorted.

"You feel it too, Wesley. Whatever they're doing, they're doing it to both of us. You feel it, I feel it. You need this, and I want this." Lindsey licked his lower lip. "I came out tonight to get a drink. Instead, I was drawn to you."

"It's not wrong, Wesley," Lorne said. "I've seen you in him for months, even before you came to Los Angeles. And I saw him in you tonight. This is what they want. They don't always explain themselves, but when they send their message, you don't ignore it."

Biting his lower lip, Lindsey stepped closer to Wesley. Reaching his hand out, he said, "Please. Let me do this for you."

Wesley began trembling, tears threatening. He could feel his nose bleeding again and knew that Lorne was right. He was going to die if he didn't get a release soon.

And Lindsey was … what he wanted. No matter how hard Wesley tried to deny it, he wanted. Years of beatings and lectures and horror stories couldn't change what Wesley was. Or what he wanted.

Blindly, he reached out and felt for Lindsey's hand. A moment later, Lindsey's fingers closed around his and squeezed.

Wesley opened his eyes.

Lindsey smiled at him. "Ok, then. Let's go."


* * *

"Well, here it is," Lindsey said awkwardly, opening his door.

Wesley stepped inside, his entire body stiff. His face was pale, nose crusted with blood, eyes huge as he gazed around. Tears stuck the lashes of his eyes together as he crossed his arms.

Lindsey shut the door behind him.

"I suppose we should just … get his over with," Wesley said softly. He turned to Lindsey, head bowed.

"Hey, relax," Lindsey soothed. "You're acting like you're about to be killed. It's sex, Wesley. Fun."

Wesley snorted. "Right. Fun," he replied listlessly.

Sighing at the years of pain he heard in Wesley's voice, Lindsey pulled away. "Can I get you something to drink?"

He shrugged.

"Take a seat, Wes. Make yourself comfortable. I think I need a drink."

Head still lowered, Wesley walked to the couch and sat down. He crossed his hands in his lap, gazing down at him.

Shaking his head, Lindsey went to the kitchen and heated up some water. He needed time to clear his head before he set about this seemingly impossible task.

"What the _fuck_ have I gotten myself into?" he muttered to himself. Then he looked up at the ceiling. "Why are you doing this to me? I don't even work for you."

The Powers didn't answer.

Sighing, Lindsey pulled out two packs of instant coca.

He hadn't been lying when he told Wesley that he wanted him. Wesley was … everything that Lindsey wasn't. Pure. Beautiful. Graceful. Perfect. Ever since Lindsey had first seen a picture of Wesley, he'd wanted the other man. His goodness shined through his eyes, even in black and white, and Lindsey was …

Enchanted. How could anyone be so pure? Especially when they knew about the darker side of life. Had touched it, and let it touch them. Lindsey knew all about what Faith had done, but it was more.

Wesley could walk into a demon bar, walk into a vampire nest, walk into the very depths of hell, most likely …

And it would never touch him. Not in the way it touched Lindsey. He met a demon, and came away tainted. Wesley was only further purified, because it never tempted him.

Which is why Lindsey knew Wesley could sleep with him and not have to worry about his soul.

Lindsey wasn't so sure about his own.

The water boiled. Lindsey mixed the coca, and added a liberal splash of Bailey's Irish Cream. Taking a deep breath, he delicately balanced the mugs on a tray and went back into the other room

Wesley as sitting in the exact same position, a lost expression on his face.

"Here."

Wesley took the mug. "I should have offered to help," he said softly.

"It's ok. I'm getting used to doing things with one hand."

"Ah." He took a sip. "Have you really not left the apartment since …" He glanced at Lindsey's stub.

Lindsey cleared his throat, sipping his drink. "I've gone to work. They send a driver to pick me up and take me home. When I'm not there, I'm here. That's it."

"Oh."

An awkward silence fell over them.

"How do you feel?" Lindsey asked after a moment. Lorne had filled him in on all the details before they had left Caritas.

"Fine, thank you."

"Please don't lie to me. Just tell me the truth."

Wesley glanced up, then back at his drink. "My head is feeling better, and I don't feel quite a nauseated as I have. But not as good as I should feel." He took a deep breath. "Will it hurt?"

Lindsey blinked. "What?"

"Will it hurt? This … what we're going to do. Is it going to hurt?"

"Not if we do it right. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but … no." He took a drink of his coca. "Do you know anything about … about this?"

Cheeks stained crimson, Wesley shook his head. "Only the … only the very basics."

"Does the idea repulse you?"

He closed his eyes. "It should."

"No, it shouldn't. Not if it's what you want." He put down his drink and moved closer to Wesley. "Who told you that homosexuality is wrong?"

"My father. The Watchers. Everyone. They all … they saw it in me, and wanted it stopped. They trained me … I wasn't even allowed to go away to school as did others I knew. I was tutored solely by the Watcher's Council, or by … by women they brought in. They controlled me utterly, even down to when I lost my virginity. So, I'm sorry if … if what I say angers you, but I … I'm scared and I don't know how to see this in any other way." He sniffed and put his drink down.

Lindsey licked his lips. "Are you attracted to men?"

"I shouldn't be."

"There are no shouldn't bes here with us, Wesley. Just feelings and what is." He took a deep breath. "Are you attracted to me?"

Very fractionally, Wesley nodded.

Lindsey tried not to crow. This beautiful man sitting next to him found him attractive.

Fighting his happiness down, he asked, "May I kiss you."

Wesley blinked and looked at him for the first time. "Kiss me?"

"Yes. You didn't think I … this isn't about fucking, Wesley. It might not be about love, but it doesn't have to be horrible. There's not any 'close your eyes, open your legs, and think of England' here. I want you to enjoy this." He moved closer. "I want to free you."

Swaying towards Lindsey, Wesley licked his lips. "Oh."

"So, can I?"

"Isn't my consent implicit in the fact I'm here?"

"I don’t want any misunderstandings between us."

"Very well," Wesley said tremulously.

Lindsey noticed that Wesley didn't close his eyes for the kiss, but he let it slide. He captured the soft lips with his, tongue tracing the seam gently. A spark grew between them, causing Wesley to moan, falling into Lindsey. The contact only made the sensation grow.

Tentatively, Wesley began kissing Lindsey back, arms almost shyly sliding up his spine. Wesley's tongue slipped inside Lindsey's before darting back. Lindsey chased it and caressed it with sure strokes when he found Wesley.

Wesley's body went liquid against his.

"Lindsey," he whispered roughly, breaking the kiss. His pupils were dilated, magic crashing in the gray of his eyes. His cheeks were flushed, lips red.

"You ok?" Lindsey asked, thumb tracing his cheekbones.

Licking his lips, Wesley nodded. Then, he took a deep breath and leaning back into Lindsey, brushing their lips together. He licked Lindsey's lower lip, tasting, before pulling back, closing his eyes.

Unsure what to do, Lindsey moved closer to the other man. Resting his right arm on the couch, he leaned into Wesley and kissed him on the underside of his jaw.

Gasping, Wesley went rigid, hands slamming onto Lindsey's shoulders and gripping tightly. He was breathing heavily.

Pressing his body into Wesley's, Lindsey kissed the spot again, nipping it very gently with his teeth.

"Oh God," Wesley whimpered softly.

"Do you like that?"

"Yes."

Lindsey pushed him onto his back so Wesley's head was resting on the arm of the couch. Laying on top of him, Lindsey began to devote his attention to Wesley's sensitive neck, grazing his teeth and lips over every part until Wesley was shaking beneath him.

Moving down, Lindsey fumbled with the buttons of Wesley's shirt. He managed to get one open, and immediately kissed the skin beneath.

Wesley bit back a moan.

He tried for the next, but it slipped from his trembling fingers. Swearing softly, he tried again, frustrated with his incompetence.

"Lindsey," Wesley said suddenly. He sat up.

Cheeks hot, Lindsey pulled away, bringing his stub to his stomach and holding it. "Yeah?"

"Why don't … why don't we go to the bedroom?" There was hesitation and fear in his voice, but he reached out and touched Lindsey's hand with his trembling one.

Lindsey blinked and looked up at him. "That's probably a good idea." Taking Wesley's hand, he rose and tugged Wesley off the couch.

He looked wild. His cheeks were flushed, eyes a piercing blue that Lindsey knew was more magic than color. His hair was mussed, shirt tugged askew, and he trembled as he walked along side Lindsey.

"It's going to be fine," Lindsey assured him.

Wesley pulled his hand away and quickly stripped out of his shirt. "I … I trust you," he said, his eyes closing.

"Thank you. I promise I'll live up to that trust," he swore, tugging his tee shirt over his head.

Nodding, Wesley opened his eyes again. "What do I do?"

"Relax, baby. You have to relax."

"It's just hard."

"I know, but I'm not going to hurt you. No one is. This is about pleasure." Placing his hands on Wesley's bare torso, Lindsey pushed him onto the bed.

Wesley's breath caught. "I thought," he said, voice hitching, "I thought this was about duty."

"No." Lindsey kissed up Wesley's stomach until he came to Wesley's nipples. Taking one in his mouth, he began sucking, teasing the small bud with his tongue slowly as he did.

Wesley groaned, body twitching.

"This is about desire," Lindsey breathed as he moved to the other nipple. "And attraction." He sucked hard on the nipple until it was erect. "And lust." He moved down, kissing and biting every bit of the smooth skin beneath him, caressing it lovingly. "And us." He began undoing Wesley's belt, tugging down his trousers.

"There is no us," Wesley said, lifting his hips obligingly.

"There is tonight." Lindsey stripped Wesley until he was lying naked on the bed. "Beautiful," he murmured, running his hungry gaze over Wesley's flawless body.

Wesley turned red from head to toe. "Please don't."

"What?" Lindsey bent over, kissing his way down Wesley's chest.

"Lie."

Wesley's fingers threaded into his hair as Lindsey began peppering kisses around his navel.

"I'm not lying," Lindsey said, dipping his tongue into the intent.

"Oh, God," Wesley breathed, body tensing.

He grinned. "Like that?" He repeated his caress.

Wesley jerked, tugging at Lindsey's hair.

"You're allowed to say yes, you know."

(and scene)

I have another one, only this time Wesley is a fairy, and it's a sequel to a fic, "The Night the Lights Went Out". The problem is, I have no idea where it is. Also, it depends heavily on another fic that came between Lights and and Fairy!Wes, but I never posted it anywhere and, again, don't know where it is.

My jaw feels a little better.

Comments

[soft-princess.livejournal.com]

GAH!

Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Your Wesley is totally and utterly adorable. *pets him* And Lindsey. GAH! Lindsey! and GOOD Lindsey at that! *pets him too*

If I pleaded, begged and made puppy eyes at you, would you consider continuing that story? Please??? *gets down on knees* Please please please? *puppy eyes*

[sam-gamgee.livejournal.com]

Yes! You *have* to finish it. This story is so good! :-D

I'll even help if you want.

Re:

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

I'll consider it, sure. Doesn't mean it'll get done,b ut I'll think about it. ;)

Thanks!

Re:

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

I'll try to finish, I promise. :)