(no subject)

[serafina20]

It's over. I'm done. No more student teaching. No more being a guest in someone else's classroom while they watch to critique me. No more sitting in a teacher's lounge listening to teachers so shallow I feel like I'm back in high school. No more being subjected day after day to someone's crappy classroom management. I'm done.

Now all I need is a job.

I'm actually hirable right now. I passed all my exams, passed student teaching with flying colors, and have my credential.

Christ. That still hasn't sunken in. It doesn't feel real. It probably won't until the first day of school when I'm standing in front of my brand new class and realizing that I don't know squat about teaching.

Until I find a job, I'll sub. I'm supposed to hope for a long term job that will then turn into a permanent one, but I'm really not. Because I really don't want to stay in the area I'm in. It doesn't matter if I just move up to the LA area (not for that district, but for one of the nicer areas up there) or down to San Diego (which would be ideal) I just want to find a job where it's too far to commute. Because then I won't have to suffer the agony of trying to decide whether or not to listen to my mother and stay or follow my instincts and leave.

The reasons to stay: Student loans. I don't have many (I don’t think), but it would be nice to start out independent life without a large sum hanging over my head. Plus, free room, free board, and familiarity.

Reasons to leave: I fucking need to grow up. I need to have my own life. I love my mother and my family, I really do, but I feel so stunted here.

For starters, I don’t feel like anything but my room is really mine. For example, I can't watch television in the living room at night without begging because my father has to watch his Law and Order reruns. And, although he's really accommodating about giving up the TV, my mom (and my overdeveloped sense of guilt) always makes me feel as if I did something terrible and selfish. And then there's the kitchen. I hate cooking in it because I feel as if my mom is glaring over my shoulder, making sure I don't mess it up. And it's not a nice kitchen or a well organized one, it's just not how *I'd* do it. And if I don't clean up right away, she throws a fit and then does it herself and then gets angry at me because she 'had' to do it.

Then there's my "social" life. I don't have one, I've never really had one. I don't know if I'd have one if I moved out, but I'd like to see if maybe I would. I'd like to try new things without having my mom's voice of doubt actually sounding out loud. The doubts already in my head, but I could really go without hearing, "Well. I hope it works out for you," in a tone that reminds me that *nothing* ever works out. And if I lived alone, I might try these things because then dinner would be on me. I wouldn’t' have to come back to a messy kitchen with their dinner not put away to try and make something for me. I could just come home and cook.

And dating. I don't date, but I'd like to. I'd like to have the freedom to go out without my parents being their when I leave or come home. I'd like to have sex with someone one day, and I can't do that while I’m living at home. There is no way I'll be able to sleep with someone and then come home with my mom and dad sitting in the living room to ask how my date went. Or being their the next morning when I come home and having them know I've been out all night with someone. I just can't do it, and while the chance of me ever losing my virginity (losing? Hell, I'd give it away [to a woman, at least] at this point. [I'm totally off men again. Any woman wanna go out with me] are nonexistent to ... well, whatever level comes after being nonexistent a girl can dream, right? In her own bed. In her own home. With her own fucking vibrator that she bought and had delivered to her home where no one else lives to ask what was in that package she got.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I like it here. But I am so jealous of my brother for moving out. For being able to stop listening to my mom long enough to move. Because that's my problem: I basically still do what my mom says. Not all the time or in everything, but a lot of things because I know that, in general, she's pretty spot on about things. And I know she's got a really good point about staying for the student loans. And that's what makes things so fucking hard.

In other news, I've been doing a lot of self-reflection recently (what else is new) and decided that the reason I can never make the first move when I'm attracted to someone is I already figure we're going to end up angry at each other and not speaking. But, if we're just friends, we can be together longer than if we're in a relationship and I'd rather get to know the person really well and be friends longer before having the break than a short time. Especially if we go our separate ways because of my attraction, since I generally figure they're not attracted to me. It's sad. And not healthy. And I know this, but I don't know what to do about it. I used to be a risk taker, but it disappeared somewhere after Shaun, I think. (ex-boyfriend).

I'd love to be like Oz in one of my favorite fics. It's called "Are We Friends" by Matthew Haldmen-Time and is a Graham/Oz fic. In it, Oz falls in love with Graham, who's come back to Sunnydale after leaving the Initiative. Graham, of course, is uncomfortable because A. Oz is a werewolf and B. Graham isn't gay. Through the whole thing, Oz is never afraid to show his attraction, is always in control of his feelings (meaning he never blames Graham for anything; even when Graham ends up making out with Buffy and feels bad for hurting Oz, Oz is totally cool and tells him that Oz is responsible for his own feelings and Graham has every right to follow his own heart). I've *always* envied how incredibly brave and mature Oz is in the fic and whished I could be like that. I wish that at least I could show my feelings when I like someone, but I ... I can't even hug my friends unless I know they're huggers. I've done it a few times with that girl I was in love with who's getting married, and it was a delicious thrill, but it was also *hard*. I literally had to force myself to move.

Sometimes I wonder if there's something really wrong with me. No one who hasn't been rape and/or molested should be this introverted and scared. Maybe something terrible happened to me in a past life and it's bleeding onto this one.

Comments

very long (sorry!)

[nebt-het.livejournal.com]

First: congrats on the credential. You should really be proud of yourself. And expect to feel you have lots to learn. The entire first year will be that way and maybe even more. However that does NOT have to be a bad thing. Believe me NOBODY knows it all. I wasn't able to make it thru so I know what a hard job it is and what an accomplishment. Be proud!

Other stuff: Since you posted this here I feel like it is okay to give some advise, which I am usually leary about..but..when you get that job, you might look into sharing an apartment with someone. No, the place would not be "yours"..yet. However it solves a lot of the financial issues, and even some mom issues, and you might be able to get a better place.

Now before you say I don't live well with others, if you actively look for a type of roomate you could feel comfortable with..it might work. I am speaking from experience so it could possibly work for you. Think about it. While I totally understand how you feel on the wanting to be on your own, I will tell you that, after a while, it can also be very isolating. Sometimes, even a somewhat annoying roomate can be just the amount of social interaction you need for a day, without the family drawbacks. We actually have a lot in common so don't feel so much like you are unusual. *smile* Hope this helps a bit, teacher!

Re: very long (sorry!)

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

Oh, I *totally* expect to feel out of my depth for at least the first year. I've felt that way pretty much all of my life anyway, so I don't expect this to be any different. I also have already made a promise to myself that, barring getting so physically sick I absolutely can't work, I'm sticking it out five years. The first three years are supposed to be the hardest, so it's my 'trial' period where I do everything by the rules and slowly incorporate my own stuff. Hopefully, by year five, I'll have a good idea of whether or not this is *really* for me and what I want to do for at least the next ten years of my life (I'm nortoriously open to change, so if something else strikes my interest, I might go for it). So I plan on hanging in there and feeling like a breathless fish. But it's always good to be reminded from outside sources that, yes, this is normal.

As for the roommate: I'm fine with having a roommate or two. I do know myself and I am sure that, at first, I'd be miserable withotu having someone else in the house/apartment. I used to house sit for a friend and would get really lonely. I put it off partly to being in an unfamiliar area surrounded by stuff that wasn't my own, but I know it would be a lot easier if someone else lived there, too (of course, then she woudlnt' have needed me to house sit, but whatever). The problem is I haven't the first clue how to find a roommate. I don't know many people, I don't know many people who don't already have their own place, and I'm not exactly sure what the process of meeting people is. My best friend, whom I will ask to move out with, probably won't since she'll be leaving for Santa Cruz in a year or so again, and seems really comfortable at home. I dont' have any other friends who need a roomate or ... any other friends. So it'll be hard, I know, but I also know I need to find someone. So, as it comes up closer, any suggestions on finding roomates will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for the advice. It was greatly appreciated and needed.

[soft-princess.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I wonder if there's something really wrong with me. No one who hasn't been rape and/or molested should be this introverted and scared.

Then something is wrong with me too. I'm a hugger, but can't touch people until I feel I can call them friends, which can take a loooong while. And I especially don't feel comfortable hugging and touching people I'm attracted to, heck, I can't even look them in the eyes half the time. Which is certainly the reason why I'm still single. *pets you*

I wanna read that Graham/Oz story. *nods* It sounds very good. :-) You still have the URL?

Moving out of your parents' house is a big move, but it's something everyone needs to do. I moved out only 6 months ago. It's weird, mostly because I don't get to see them everyday and I have to cook my own meals and stuff, but at the same time, I think it's beneficial. I felt like I'd done all the growing up I needed to do over there, and that it was time to start growing up somewhere else, where I'd be -mostly- on my own. But yeah, I understand everything you say about this issue, I went through it all last year. *snuggles you* It's hard taking the decision. Give yourself some time, that'd be my advice. ;-)

I'll have something for you tomorrow, or the day after. I'm working on it. *grin* Lil' prezzie for ya. :-) I did promise.

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

And I especially don't feel comfortable hugging and touching people I'm attracted to, heck, I can't even look them in the eyes half the time.

Yes, this definitely is me, too. But, beyond just being uncomfortable when I'm attracted, the few times I've had boyfriends, I spent most of my time worked up in knots because I kept expecting them to try and do something. I really don't want to be taken advantage of, and becaue I have huge trust issues, have never been able to relax around guys.

Of course, I also resented most of the guys I was with because they treated me like a child and I *hated* that, but still. It's uncomfortable and I really don't like the way I feel around them, so it's all bad. I've never dated a woman *sob* but I think it'd be better since I'm so much more comfortable around women. eevn when they don't make sense, they make more sense to me than men. So .. yeah. But at least i'm not alone. ;)

Here's the link to the fic:

Are We Friends?

I felt like I'd done all the growing up I needed to do over there, and that it was time to start growing up somewhere else, where I'd be -mostly- on my own.

This is exactly it. One, two years ago, I still needed to be here. I needed the security and comfort and stability. But it's becoming detrimental now. I'm not going to grow the way I need to grow unless I leave. It'll be weird and hard and frightening, but that's what happens when you grow up, right? And if I'm not feeling any of those things, then I need a new challenge.

I have at least until the summer until I know anything. By then I shouldh ave a job and will be financially abel to move out. I hope it doesn't take a year. I don't want it to. But who knows what the future holds?

I look forward to the prezzie! *purrs loudly*

[soft-princess.livejournal.com]

I have huge trust issues, have never been able to relax around guys.

I hear you! *snuggles*

I've never dated a woman *sob* but I think it'd be better since I'm so much more comfortable around women.

Only just recently figured out I was attracted to women, go denial! *bounce*, but yeah, I'd probably be much much more comfortable with a women. It's the whole trust issue. I think.

But at least i'm not alone. ;)

Never! *pets you*

but that's what happens when you grow up, right?

Yup, exactly. *hugs you tight* It's hard, but you have to do it at some point. :-)

The prezzie has been delayed. Work happened. Sorry. *snuggles you* But it WILL come. Possibly on Tuesday. *hates work*

*loves you*

Huh...

[beet]

How funny that you should post on this just when my thoughts were circling around my own self-isolating tendencies and apartment living experiences. Is it possible that there is some sort of lj psychic network?

In any case, your post sparked these thought from me - maybe just hearing someone else's experiences will help you think through your options?

First, Congratulations! I guess you're a real wage earning, adult-type person now, huh? ;)

Second, if you are thinking about moving out, I'd like to second what nebt_het wrote - give living with a roommate some thought. The one time I moved into an apartment by myself, I became very antisocial. Frankly, I was downright weird. Speaking only for myself, if there is not some small amount of regular interaction keeping my social gears engaged, I get into trouble. Just having someone around to ask how their day was is enough - I don't need them to be my best friend. I, of course, have no idea if this would be an issue for you.

On the plus side of living alone - you can walk around naked and *glances above* enjoy your newly purchased vibrator anywhere you'd like. And if you don't do the dishes one night, they haven't multiplied in the morning. :)

Boy-o. Sorry to just jump in like this and be all about me. I just had these thoughts rolling around in my head about that strange year in my life.

Sounds like this is an exciting time for you - lots of new directions to choose from. Good luck in working everything out. bt

Re: Huh...

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

I'm definitly going to look for a roomate. I mean, yes, I'd love to be able to move out and do the whole independant thing, but I'm like you and need that daily social interatction. i've house sat before where I was all by myself for three weeks and it was miserable going back to the apartment. So a roomate is definitely in order. The trouble is trying to find the right one/s.

Thanks for the self-disclosure. It's always nice to hear what other's have experienced to help make an informed decision.

roommates

[beet]

Hmm... about finding roommates..

Yeah. That's a challenge (and can be nervewracking). Hopefully, your job can you help out. :)
If not, here are some of the things I and people I know have done:

The first and easiest is to let a bunch of people know that you are looking and where you'd like to go. Then ask them to pass on names and numbers (or pass yours on) if any other people they know are looking. Instant character reference!

If you are near a university, there are often websites that list people looking for roommates. I used one this last year and found a good roommate. It might seem a bit odd to look for a student to live with if you are not a student yourself. When I was advertising, I got responses from several people who were not students, so I don't think it would be too strange. A graduate student could be an excellent roommate if you are looking for someone with whom to be friendly, but who is unlikely to try to be your best friend. If you really get along - great! They are also likely to have their shit together and not bail on rent or other stuff - though you'll have to suffer through finals and thesis stress by proxy. :)

If you are interested several roommates, you could also look for communal houses or coops in your city. Several of my friends have done this. There is a lot of variation in how clean the houses are kept, how much they cost and how they are run, so you'd want to check several out. I think often in coops, people don't claim the house as their own. That can lead to just letting things slide. My friends in communal houses - which aren't as large and don't rotate as many people in and out - have better situations.

Finally, if you are interested in queer/queer-friendly roommates check out the ads in local queer papers in your neighborhood, or wherever you want to move. Most coffeeshops have a bunch of them. If you find an area you'd like to live in, you can also check out coffee shops for bulletin boards with notices.

For myself, I have three things I look for : location (I like to walk around my neighborhood and I want it to be interesting and have stuff to do), compatible social life (some people like to have people over all the time and friends hanging out and other people can't stand to have other people touching their stuff) and cleanliness levels. I can pretty much let the rest go.

On a different note, I'm taking a break from finals and am not sure that I can see that moment when I am employable. I'm feeling pretty damn jealous of you. Which may be why I'm going on so exhaustively. *scans* This really is embarrassingly long. I'd feel bad, but I'm guessing that you have time to read it now that you're done. ;) Hope everything works out. bt

Re: roommates

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

Don't be embarrassed about babbling. This is all information I really need. I really have no good idea about how to find a room mate/mates. I'd love to start now, but since i have no idea where i"ll be working in a few months, I can't. But it's all really good advice. Thanks so much.

[garryowen.livejournal.com]

Hey sweetie. Okay, I feel I have (also) some experience to lend here. I agree w/ above posters about room-mates. Moving out of your family's house and suddenly living alone.... It will shock you, and not in a good way. I lived w/ many room-mates after college. Only one was horriffic. The others varied from fantastic to kind of annoying. But, except for the horriffic one, I was always glad to have them. I suspect that whatever job you take might facilitate room-mate pairings among starting-out teachers. Or maybe I'm being optimistic. At any rate... Don't live alone.

But I think it is time to strike out on your own and move out of your parents' house.

And don't worry about that other stuff. Hugging, sex, whatever. It just happens when it happens and it's okay if it hasn't happened yet. Don't worry. *hugs* I'll give you real ones too. *g*

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

I'm going to look for roomates. I don't know if the district that hires me will help, though. I know some districts help teachers find housing, but I don't know how far that extends. I suppose I should look into that, because I really have no idea how to find a roomate.

I look forward to lots hugs from you. :P

[thefirethorn.livejournal.com]

I can't believe how much we have in common. When I graduated from OU I was 21 and still living with my parents, too. I lived with them for the next semester, (substituting) the summer (daycare) and the semester after that (working, saving money.) I was also a virgin until I was 20 years old -- which was fine with me, because until then I really wasn't ready.

Your mother may be discouraging you from moving out because she's not ready for that herself. Are you the last one to leave? She may be afraid of an empty nest.

No one who hasn't been rape and/or molested should be this introverted doubtful. You may just be that, introverted. Inexpereicned, also. These things change.

Why do you think you are all grown? You still have a lot of changing left to do. It's a great surprise, but you will not be the same person in 5 years. Part will simply be more expereince, but part will be you still unfolding, turning into the person you are ment to be. Have you ever heard the term "late bloomer?" That was me. That's probably you.

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

I know that there might not seem a big difference between 20/21 and 25, but from my perspective, there is. First off, I've always been 'older' than my peers. Not sexually, perhaps, but mentally. I'm usually most comfortable around people in their thirties (although even they are now beginning to seem pretty immature). So the fact that I still live at home and have never had a long term relationship (especially now since I feel more secure in myself than i did even a year ago) makes me feel really developmentally delayed. *Especially* since I operate at an older mental level in my mind (sometimes, of course; there are a lot of things I do/feel that are age appropriate/expected, but I'm just explaining where I come from).

I also "know" that there's nothing wrong with still being a virgin since I haven't been ready, but the fact my psychologist (maybe he be hit by a train) basically called me a prude does tend to stick with one. And the frustration isn't because ohmigod! I haven't had sex, but, rather, I want a girlfriend, I'm lonely, and I want to have sex. I'm not rushing, I'm just ... horny.

No, I"m not the last one to leave. My fifteen year old sister will still be here. There's a possiblity I'm wanted as a buffer, but I really dont' want that anymore.

And I don't think I'm all grown. I think I've grown as much as I will *here*, in my parents house, having only my room and the stuff in my room to be responsible for, and knowing my limitations. I will grow vastly older, more mature, and more worldly if I moved out with a room mate or two and had to deal with life without my parents being a constant presence in it. But, until then, I"m pretty much just marking time. Yes, I will still grown some in experience when I start teaching and just from normal progression of life, but I'm ready to move onto the next phase. That's what I mean.