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serafina20Thor 1
Once upon a time, before Loki was born, a bunch of people fought over some kind of red floating sand. It was all very boring because Loki wasn’t there, but there were lots of people who had hats like his and also a big ship that looked like a cross between a B-Wing and a phallic symbol. Also, the Ninth Doctor was there.
Fast-forward a bunch of years, and, hey! It’s Loki! Hi Loki! God, you’re hot. Also, your hair has grown, even though, presumably, this scene takes place right after the Avengers. But, whatever.
Frigga, Loki’s momma, immediately steps forward and says, “Loki.” Which is exactly what most of the audience just said, so, hey, look who’s on team Loki.
Loki is all, “Hi, Mommy, it’s good to see you.” And something else that causes her to wag her finger at him about being a bad boy and getting himself caught. And then Odin, big meanie, sends her away and proceeds to prove to half of online fandom that he never loved Loki and is a big old meanie pants with A+ parenting. (The other half of fandom probably thinks Odin is totally justifiable in his words about Loki never really being in the running to be king and also being a spoiled brat. Fandom.)
Anyway, Loki brings up that he was just following in Daddy’s footsteps and trying to be God, and Odin reminds Loki that they aren’t gods, because they’re all gonna die someday (and I throw my hands in the air because, obviously, someone has just been condemned to death and it ain’t Odin). Then Odin hands down Loki’s punishment: sent tohis room prison for all eternity without the comfort of his mother. Loki asks if Thor will get to visit will come down to torment him, and Odin tells Loki that Thor has More Important Things to Do.
cut to Thor doing more important things. Thor eating. Thor talking to Sif. Thor talking to Heimdall.
Also, Jane Foster on a date. Jane playing with science. Science playing with Jane. Thor and Jane going to Asgard. And other stuff that doesn’t involve Loki.
Anyway, we see that Frigga also thinks that Odin has A+ parenting and has been visiting Loki in his prison cell via magic clone even though not seeing her is part of Loki’s punishment (pretty much the main part). (Alternately, Loki may have made a Frigga clone to keep him company, which is just too sad for words, because…) Frigga asks if Loki is enjoying the books she’s sent. Loki bitches about not having an x-box or TV or anything else to do. Then she reminds him that he’s there because of his actions and something about his father and then Loki throws a temper tantrum about Odin not being his daddy. So Frigga’s all, “So, if he’s not your father, then I’m not your mother right?” And Loki tries to agree but, in the end, just bats her away. (See? Even his illusions think he was wrong.)
Odin calls Jane a goat then reads stories to her until the Ninth Doctor shows up. The Doctor’s Companion stages a prison break, which provides temporary amusement for Loki, but he grows bored quickly and returns to his books. He stays down there, reading and planning on new names to call Thor when Thor finally shows us, when Random Prison Guard 1 arrives to tell Loki that Frigga dies. He then begins to throw a tantrum that would probably make the one in Avengers look like nothing, only the director HATES US and only shows about three seconds of it. And then we cut to boring stuff.
Thor finally comes to talk to Loki, who pulls out his best Scar-with-baby-Simba impression, all nonchalant and uncaring, but Thor knows his brother and tells him to cut the act. And then, the illusion falls away and we see Loki, hair all puffy, eyes red and swollen, sitting in the remains of his cell. Poor baby. Why doesn’t Thor just go in and kiss him? Why?
*ahem* Loki agrees to help Thor and bounces next to him like an excited puppy. He even plays dress up, trying on Random Prison Guard 1 and Captain America. He also dresses Thor up like Sif and checks out his breasts. He finally decides his happiest Just Being Himself.
Loki and Thor meet up with Sif, who promptly threatens to kill Loki if he betrays Thor. She also gets his hair on her sword. Gimli… uh… Volstagg also threatens Loki, who asks him to please take a number and wait patiently and that he is a valued customer. Fandral just taunts Loki about not being graceful, because Fandral is stupid (and also didn’t see Loki fighting like a ballerina in the last movie because he was played by Prince Charming. But, seriously, Loki and River Tam should hook up at some point).
Loki reminds Thor that a ship is like a lady and one can’t simply bang on all the buttons, one must press them gently, so Thor throws Loki out the ship. Loki then flies a little boat into a tiny hole and ‘ta-da’, they’re on another planet.
Since Jane is asleep, Loki and Thor fight about who isn’t a big idiot. Thor thinks he wins when he says that Mommy wouldn’t want them to fight, but Loki gets in a last minute shot by pointing out that she’d be shocked if they weren’t. Thor says he wishes he could trust Loki in a voice bordering on tears because, despite it all, he still loves his baby brother so very much. Loki assures Thor he can trust Loki’s rage.
We cut to the Ninth Doctor, but it’s much more fun to imagine Thor and Loki planning their plan.
Thor’s plan: We approach the Doctor from the front. Then, I’ll hit him with my hammer. I shall then yell at him to remove the Red Sand from Jane. He will, and then I’ll hit it with my hammer.
Loki: …. Or. How about I pretend to cut off your arm?
Thor: ….
Loki: Pretend. I would never cut off your arm for real. That would be wrong. And bad. But, with my plan, we can get the Doctor to remove the Red Sand from the mortal before he realizes we’re going to destroy it. And, I get to pretend to stab you and cut off your hand. Win-win.
Thor: How is that…
Loki: Win. Win.
Thor: Very well. We’ll do it your way.
So, they do. Only, neither of them listened to the boring prologue (I wouldn’t have either) because Grandaddy Bor already said that the Aether couldn’t be destroyed. So, oops! It doesn’t work. There is a fight and Kursed Mr. Eko tries to suck Jane into a black hole. Luckily, Loki pushes her out of the way, but, oh no! He’s going to be sucked down the rabbit hole and, unlike at the end of the first movie, this Loki DOESN’T WANT TO GO BACK TO WONDERLAND. It kind of sucked last time.
Thor saves the day and catches Loki, but then Kursed Mr. Eko goes all Hulk Smash on Thor! So, Loki pulls his favorite move of all and stabs him through the back. But, no! Kursed Mr. Eko stabs Loki with the thing sticking out him! NO!!!!!! LOKI!!!!!!!
Unfortunately for Kursed Mr. Eko, Loki stuck a Rabbit Hole grenade on him, so he dies. But Loki…. Loki….
Tearfully, Thor gathers Loki in his arms and calls him a fool. Loki agrees, “I am a fool.” Thor tells him to shut up, but Loki, blue Jotun veins creeping over his skin, gasps out, “I’m sorry.” Or… I was wrong. I don’t remember, I was too busy crying. Whatever it was, Thor forgives him and Loki… Loki…. dies.
Thor and Jane do stuff and somehow get back to Earth.
Random Prison Guard 1 finds Loki’s body on the dark planet. He goes back to Asgard to tell Odin that Loki’s body was found. The scene cuts away to less important stuff.
So, since we all know what happens anyway (Jane, Darcy and Selvig save the day with SCIENCE), let's just imagine the important (aka Loki) parts went:
Loki: (as Random Prison Guard 1) Yeah, so… sorry about your son’s death and all. I’ll just be tootling along. Oh, also, I quit, so if you don’t see me around anymore, don’t be surprised.
Odin: *clutches his heart* I have lost everything! My queen! My favorite son! And now my second favorite son that I didn’t love as much, but I was rather fond of a little.
Loki: Seriously? I mean… *clears throat* Right. You have lost a great deal.
Odin: *falls to one knee* I think I’m having an Odin heart-attack.
Loki: You know, you don’t need to call everything an Odin something or other. It’s a little silly to…
*Odin collapses onto the floor*
Loki: Odin? Odin? Daddy?? *pokes him a few times* Well. Darn. Can’t leave Asgard without a king. Guess I’ll have to take over. For stability. Just until Thor comes back.
*Thor comes back*
Thor: Father, I no longer wish to be king.
Loki: Because you wanna bone that mortal.
Thor: What? No! Of course not! No. I just… Loki would have been a better king, anyway. He got it all. Sacrifice and stuff. I just wanted to show off my prowess, and I can do that better on Earth anyway. So… Here *hands over Mjölnir*
Loki: *oh, shit, I can’t pick that up.* Um… You keep it. You totally earned it.
Thor: Really?
Loki: Yeah. Now… get out of here, you scamp. And, uh… blahblahblah-proud father stuff I’ve never heard-blah.
Thor: *leaves*
Loki: YES!!!!!!!!! I’M THE KING!!!! WHO’S THE KING? I’M THE KING!!!!!! WOOT!
The End
Once upon a time, before Loki was born, a bunch of people fought over some kind of red floating sand. It was all very boring because Loki wasn’t there, but there were lots of people who had hats like his and also a big ship that looked like a cross between a B-Wing and a phallic symbol. Also, the Ninth Doctor was there.
Fast-forward a bunch of years, and, hey! It’s Loki! Hi Loki! God, you’re hot. Also, your hair has grown, even though, presumably, this scene takes place right after the Avengers. But, whatever.
Frigga, Loki’s momma, immediately steps forward and says, “Loki.” Which is exactly what most of the audience just said, so, hey, look who’s on team Loki.
Loki is all, “Hi, Mommy, it’s good to see you.” And something else that causes her to wag her finger at him about being a bad boy and getting himself caught. And then Odin, big meanie, sends her away and proceeds to prove to half of online fandom that he never loved Loki and is a big old meanie pants with A+ parenting. (The other half of fandom probably thinks Odin is totally justifiable in his words about Loki never really being in the running to be king and also being a spoiled brat. Fandom.)
Anyway, Loki brings up that he was just following in Daddy’s footsteps and trying to be God, and Odin reminds Loki that they aren’t gods, because they’re all gonna die someday (and I throw my hands in the air because, obviously, someone has just been condemned to death and it ain’t Odin). Then Odin hands down Loki’s punishment: sent to
cut to Thor doing more important things. Thor eating. Thor talking to Sif. Thor talking to Heimdall.
Also, Jane Foster on a date. Jane playing with science. Science playing with Jane. Thor and Jane going to Asgard. And other stuff that doesn’t involve Loki.
Anyway, we see that Frigga also thinks that Odin has A+ parenting and has been visiting Loki in his prison cell via magic clone even though not seeing her is part of Loki’s punishment (pretty much the main part). (Alternately, Loki may have made a Frigga clone to keep him company, which is just too sad for words, because…) Frigga asks if Loki is enjoying the books she’s sent. Loki bitches about not having an x-box or TV or anything else to do. Then she reminds him that he’s there because of his actions and something about his father and then Loki throws a temper tantrum about Odin not being his daddy. So Frigga’s all, “So, if he’s not your father, then I’m not your mother right?” And Loki tries to agree but, in the end, just bats her away. (See? Even his illusions think he was wrong.)
Odin calls Jane a goat then reads stories to her until the Ninth Doctor shows up. The Doctor’s Companion stages a prison break, which provides temporary amusement for Loki, but he grows bored quickly and returns to his books. He stays down there, reading and planning on new names to call Thor when Thor finally shows us, when Random Prison Guard 1 arrives to tell Loki that Frigga dies. He then begins to throw a tantrum that would probably make the one in Avengers look like nothing, only the director HATES US and only shows about three seconds of it. And then we cut to boring stuff.
Thor finally comes to talk to Loki, who pulls out his best Scar-with-baby-Simba impression, all nonchalant and uncaring, but Thor knows his brother and tells him to cut the act. And then, the illusion falls away and we see Loki, hair all puffy, eyes red and swollen, sitting in the remains of his cell. Poor baby. Why doesn’t Thor just go in and kiss him? Why?
*ahem* Loki agrees to help Thor and bounces next to him like an excited puppy. He even plays dress up, trying on Random Prison Guard 1 and Captain America. He also dresses Thor up like Sif and checks out his breasts. He finally decides his happiest Just Being Himself.
Loki and Thor meet up with Sif, who promptly threatens to kill Loki if he betrays Thor. She also gets his hair on her sword. Gimli… uh… Volstagg also threatens Loki, who asks him to please take a number and wait patiently and that he is a valued customer. Fandral just taunts Loki about not being graceful, because Fandral is stupid (and also didn’t see Loki fighting like a ballerina in the last movie because he was played by Prince Charming. But, seriously, Loki and River Tam should hook up at some point).
Loki reminds Thor that a ship is like a lady and one can’t simply bang on all the buttons, one must press them gently, so Thor throws Loki out the ship. Loki then flies a little boat into a tiny hole and ‘ta-da’, they’re on another planet.
Since Jane is asleep, Loki and Thor fight about who isn’t a big idiot. Thor thinks he wins when he says that Mommy wouldn’t want them to fight, but Loki gets in a last minute shot by pointing out that she’d be shocked if they weren’t. Thor says he wishes he could trust Loki in a voice bordering on tears because, despite it all, he still loves his baby brother so very much. Loki assures Thor he can trust Loki’s rage.
We cut to the Ninth Doctor, but it’s much more fun to imagine Thor and Loki planning their plan.
Thor’s plan: We approach the Doctor from the front. Then, I’ll hit him with my hammer. I shall then yell at him to remove the Red Sand from Jane. He will, and then I’ll hit it with my hammer.
Loki: …. Or. How about I pretend to cut off your arm?
Thor: ….
Loki: Pretend. I would never cut off your arm for real. That would be wrong. And bad. But, with my plan, we can get the Doctor to remove the Red Sand from the mortal before he realizes we’re going to destroy it. And, I get to pretend to stab you and cut off your hand. Win-win.
Thor: How is that…
Loki: Win. Win.
Thor: Very well. We’ll do it your way.
So, they do. Only, neither of them listened to the boring prologue (I wouldn’t have either) because Grandaddy Bor already said that the Aether couldn’t be destroyed. So, oops! It doesn’t work. There is a fight and Kursed Mr. Eko tries to suck Jane into a black hole. Luckily, Loki pushes her out of the way, but, oh no! He’s going to be sucked down the rabbit hole and, unlike at the end of the first movie, this Loki DOESN’T WANT TO GO BACK TO WONDERLAND. It kind of sucked last time.
Thor saves the day and catches Loki, but then Kursed Mr. Eko goes all Hulk Smash on Thor! So, Loki pulls his favorite move of all and stabs him through the back. But, no! Kursed Mr. Eko stabs Loki with the thing sticking out him! NO!!!!!! LOKI!!!!!!!
Unfortunately for Kursed Mr. Eko, Loki stuck a Rabbit Hole grenade on him, so he dies. But Loki…. Loki….
Tearfully, Thor gathers Loki in his arms and calls him a fool. Loki agrees, “I am a fool.” Thor tells him to shut up, but Loki, blue Jotun veins creeping over his skin, gasps out, “I’m sorry.” Or… I was wrong. I don’t remember, I was too busy crying. Whatever it was, Thor forgives him and Loki… Loki…. dies.
Thor and Jane do stuff and somehow get back to Earth.
Random Prison Guard 1 finds Loki’s body on the dark planet. He goes back to Asgard to tell Odin that Loki’s body was found. The scene cuts away to less important stuff.
So, since we all know what happens anyway (Jane, Darcy and Selvig save the day with SCIENCE), let's just imagine the important (aka Loki) parts went:
Loki: (as Random Prison Guard 1) Yeah, so… sorry about your son’s death and all. I’ll just be tootling along. Oh, also, I quit, so if you don’t see me around anymore, don’t be surprised.
Odin: *clutches his heart* I have lost everything! My queen! My favorite son! And now my second favorite son that I didn’t love as much, but I was rather fond of a little.
Loki: Seriously? I mean… *clears throat* Right. You have lost a great deal.
Odin: *falls to one knee* I think I’m having an Odin heart-attack.
Loki: You know, you don’t need to call everything an Odin something or other. It’s a little silly to…
*Odin collapses onto the floor*
Loki: Odin? Odin? Daddy?? *pokes him a few times* Well. Darn. Can’t leave Asgard without a king. Guess I’ll have to take over. For stability. Just until Thor comes back.
*Thor comes back*
Thor: Father, I no longer wish to be king.
Loki: Because you wanna bone that mortal.
Thor: What? No! Of course not! No. I just… Loki would have been a better king, anyway. He got it all. Sacrifice and stuff. I just wanted to show off my prowess, and I can do that better on Earth anyway. So… Here *hands over Mjölnir*
Loki: *oh, shit, I can’t pick that up.* Um… You keep it. You totally earned it.
Thor: Really?
Loki: Yeah. Now… get out of here, you scamp. And, uh… blahblahblah-proud father stuff I’ve never heard-blah.
Thor: *leaves*
Loki: YES!!!!!!!!! I’M THE KING!!!! WHO’S THE KING? I’M THE KING!!!!!! WOOT!
The End
